Dealing with 3 yr olds melt downs HELP !

[Lucylockett106]

Hi all. My son is 3 and a half and diagnosed with emotional and behavioural difficulties at 2 yrs of age. He has had raging temper tantrums which I refer to as melt downs as they are so much more than a tantrum. He kicks, screams, punchings, shouts mum, head butts and is like something possessed. CAMHS have refererd him for diagnostic assessment, but they haven't really given me any strategies to deal with these situations. I try my hardest to prevent them however its not always possible. Today we have had 45 mins of screaming shouting punching because I lifted him out of the car from the door he was sitting by but he had decided he wanted to climb over the baby seat and get out that side. I told him no because I couldn't hold his baby brother and lift him out of the car as well.. He gets so angry and is completely put of control. There is no chance of distraction or reasoning. He has to calm down in his own time.
Has anyone got any tips on how to cope with this while protecting myself, him and my other children??
Tjhanks in advance!

Hi Lucy

My son is very similar. I'm waiting to hear from CAMHs myself. My son is 4.3 though so older than yours. I've been told that CAMHS may not take him on though because he's so young.

I don't have any fantastic solutions for you i'm afraid because we struggle with this ourselves but things I find that do help is getting him to have plenty of sleep because when he's tired his mood is terrible. Also ignoring him works pretty well too. When he's having a massive humdinger I tend to put him in his room and stand in the doorway so he can't get past whilst ignoring him really until the red mist has passed. I make sure I take everything out of his room that he can throw at me that will hurt like books, his bin, big toys. If he comes near me to try and fight his way out of his room I just lift him up and place him on his bed and walk back to the door. I sometimes have to do this several times (60 or 70 - yeah I know it's exhausting as he's a big boy!).

After a while he realises he isn't winning and will calm down, say he's sorry and that's it over. I genuinely don't think he can help it though. It's like he doesn't know what he's doing and when I talk to him about it when he's calm he just says he doesn't know why he did it.

Sometimes distraction does work with my son though but I have to be really, really inventive.
Good luck

Thank you for your reply! I'm completely at my wits end with it all. I try and take him to a room where there is no body in or no noise. He is exhausted tbh had 2 late nights on the trot which is never heard of he is always asleep by 7pm latest! He hasn't slept in the day either so maybe he's been particularly difficult last coule of days because of it.
Thanks again. Push for CAMHS. Don't hold your breath for any fast answers though. We've been seeing them for 16 months and only just been referred and that's because I stamped my feet. They do lots of talking which at first I didn't think helped but it's nice to be things off ur chest to a professional who can tell u if the behaviour is "normal" or not. Good luck xx

My Dd3 has a dx of ASD, when she was younger she used to have meltdowns like you are describing. At first I didnt know how to deal with them but then I found that holding her really helped her to calm down.

I used to hold her in front of me with her back to my front and wrap my arms around her and just gently sshhh her.

When she was in mid meltdown it was risky sometimes and you have to watch that you dont get headbutted but children can sometimes be really frightened by these meltdowns and when they have totally lost control they are unable to calm themselves.

I dont know if this would help with your Ds's but you never know.

good luck

We've tried to hold him and the majority of the time he gets worse and I come out worse off! It's heart breaking to see. He's so angry and frustrated. I just wish I could take away his frustration and help him understand. I asked if it was because of the car and he said yes but doesn't ever talk about the rage :(

Ok, I am sorry that holding didnt work for you and him.

Another thing that people on here have talked about is a safe space.

It can be a small play tent or den under a high bed or something similar. Fill it with cushions for him to thump. Make sure it has low lighting and not too much stimulation.

Tell him he can go in there when he feels angry/upset and have some time to himself. It is not a punishment it is a safe space for him to calm down. You could take a picture of it and if he starts to lose it show him the picture and say go to your safe space.

I am not at all suggesting that your Ds has ASD but my Dd would definitely not be able to talk about how angry she feels.

I have developed a hold for ds... took a little working out and a head butt to the face to get right (ish)

he is held with his back to me one arm between his legs to minimise the kicking, this arm also hols one hand to minimise the scratching, the other arm supports his weight and holds his other hand. his hands are held at his chest level.. too close to his face and I get bitten, he is held at my chest level so he can't head butt me. it looks awful. it stops me getting bitten/headbutted/scratched chunks out of my face/hands arms. this is what I use when he is in full tantrum and trying to hurt himself/me/others

if he is not in full tantrum mode, holding him firmly sitting facing away from me on my knee helps.

I try to give him choices... he gets into the carseat himself, or I do it... (non negotiable option) or he gets more of a choice when it is more convenient/negotiable.

we do not have a diagnosis, though there is enough concern for the drs to want to rule out/in asd

That's a fab idea! I will try a play tent. Thank you! Maybe if I knew how to hold him it may help but the restriction just seems to frustrate him all the more. I think he's got AS but hey I maybe wrong.
Thanks Susan we've not got a diagnoss but the more info I read and the more he develops the more things are highlighted.
Thanks for advice :)

Lucy keep us updated, i'd be interested to know what the diagnosis is as he sounds very much like my DS. My DS has developed a stammer too and I think it's all connected. He also has severe anxiety issues.

The holding doesn't work for me either, i've tried this several times but he's too big and it just makes him madder and madder. Even DH can't hold him and he's a strapping 6 footer.

Just remember you are not alone with this, lots of us seem to be going through it.

DS2 used to be like this - he still can be, but as his language has improved (he was fairly non-verbal until 3) his tantrums have decreased.
I found if I couldn't hold him, then trying to hold him wrapped in a duvet could help - at least it cushioned me slightly from the attack!
Or I left him to it in a safe space - although he did smash his bedroom door off its hinges when he was 2, so not my favourite method.
I still try and pre-empt tantrums so e.g. I know a change to routine will set him off, so try and make sure he knows ahead that a change is going to occur - at that point their may easily still be a tantrum when change happens, but less severe.

Oh my goodness wrapping them in a duvet, genius!

I know what you mean about holding lucycat I could never hold Dd1 as it just made her more angry but it did work for Dd3.

I hope the play tent works

If you are having assessments for AS I would recommend keeping a diary of his quirks/issues what causes them and how you deal with it. You need to show that you are being consistent otherwise the proffs can try to blame your parenting. Dont allow them to fob you off or tell you a label wont be helpful. It can be very helpful even if it is only to help you to understand him.

Good luck

Sorry meant lucylockett, dont mind me I have been taking piriton and cant see straight

I will keep you posted! When he's ok he's fab but any minor thing can set him off. The sleep thing is a valid point. He's had less sleep this weekend so would explain the extreme melt down.
I will try the duvet like you say it gives me a little protection!!
I am keeping a diary... I miss a few days usually good days. I need to be more on the ball. CAMHS referred about 2 months ago and all that's happened so faris I've signed paperwork and posted them back! It's going to be a long road and a diagnosis won't change him. But like you say it maybe allow us to understand him which in turn will help us to help him. Which in fairness is what I've been saying all along!
He was worse on holiday little miss green. We couldn't plan due to the good old British weather, so every Night when he went to bed I couldn't tell him what we were doing and if I did and the weather didn't allow it we had problems.
I wish I could have his pain and frustration :(

Sounds exactly like my ds, he's been terrible today, hitting and kicking me one minute, wanting a cuddle the next. He deliberately spilt a glass of squash all over him and when I went upstairs to get him some dry underpants he flushed his wet ones down the toilet . He then cried and cried for me to get them and nothing would console him.

He went to bed without a fight though, asleep by 7. I'm now recharging my batteries ready for round 2 tomorrow

He's not like it all the time either, some days he's brilliant. He just has trouble controlling his emotions.

It's such bloody hard work! I feel your pain xxx