Behaviour strategies-please help!!

[used2bthin]

DD1 has severe speech and lang difficulties and struggles to understand what is said to her but I find it really hard to know when she is being tricky due to confusion and when its just normal stuff for her stage of development (she is nerly six but prob more like a three year old for a lot of stuff.)

I have just had a baby so am tired and not at my best or as able to keep on top of things. DD is understandably put out that my attention is divided- I am trying my best but often breastfeeding etc.

Yesterday dd1 was really tired and we had some seriously bad behaviour some of it dangerous and I am now thinking summer hols are scary! I will need to be on my toes with locking us in the house hiding keys etc as she is generally ok but when in the mood coukd let herself out or something.

What strategies do you find helpful or is there a book I can ger? Have nver been into parenting books but m really feeling the need for something tht tells me what to do and gives DH something to follow with an explanation.

Visual aids work well with her as do timers and routines. Any ides to heklp keep us sane?

Should have said dd has a medical condition that affects her ability to deal with stress amongst other things-this has made me wary of upsetting her too much and she has recently started having seizures in response to pain or stress so am even more scared! So need boundaries and tbh she feels safer when its all decided-can tell I am freaking her out with having had a more relaxed approach to make p for the new baby and her recent illness.

A breastfeeding basket of toys! Only allowed to play with whilst you are feeding baby! This worked for ds, also had a DVD that was only allowed on in emergency.

Thanks that is a good idea. She had an android tablet for games and SALT stuff when the baby arrived so I should have used that only when feeding!

Struggling a lot to get her to leave the house and also to leave to go home when we do go out (this is a biggy as then we are observed and it gets v stressful)

Hi Used2.

We had a lot of trouble with dd2 (who is nt, but suffers a lot from anxiety and has huge meltdowns) when i had ds. Her worst triggers were leaving the house, going home, and following a set route through town. I found that taking the path of least resistance was the only way I preserved my sanity.....

so I used a double buggy (cheapo bought off ebay)
we used PEC cards as a timetable - so i would sit with her and we would stick the cards on in a sequence - she was alllowed to choose one card (so eg, go to the library/park/cafe).
She used to also draw a map of the route we were going to take (i made her a copy of the Map used in Dora the Explorer!).
In the house i made a place where she could go if she was either having a meltdown or was sad etc - I had one of those popup tents, with a sheepskin and some cushions and blankets, some of her teddies and books, or games. She would crawl in and make a nest. When ds was napping, I'd crawl in with her and we's read or just have a cuddle, I think it made her feel like a baby - which she obviously needed at the time!

There was other stuff, but ds has just woken up, so I had better go. Hope you are doing ok - it is so hard with a newborn and an anxious dd!

Thanks hazey. She is a tricky combination of quite physically able-so can climb up, escape, lock me in the garden etc but doesn't have an awful lot of understanding about consequences! V hard and I always feel better if I have a plan.

Really like your ideas and must must must get better at using pecs with DD-I ordered some great stuff from ebay, a whole visual timetable thing and a going to the toiley visual aid. Then they sent it to my old address and I havent got round to re ordering/having it out with them yet. Plus annoyed at having to spend out twice on it. But I must as I know it will really help.

The nest thing is great, DD actually uses her bed for this as it has a tent over but I could add under her bed as another hidey hole. I also have a bag of sensory toys I could put up there maybe...good ideas. She is v much wanting to be a baby at the moment too, looking at old pictures, lying on the floor crying and saying me a baby!

I have a count down and timer system I use for getting her to go home or leave the house. I will def start using visual aids to plan where we go I really like that idea but my timer system has stopped being so effective, any alternatives anyone has for that?

Would really like to get DH a bit more on board with all this, he gets wound up about her not doing as she's told and its hard to get it through to him that just getting louder with demands will not work!

PS your DD sounds very similar with the going out/coming home stuff! It makes me reluctant to go out sometimes but then it would be such a long day!

Yes, she does. We had some awful days, where I couldn't face going out, and the school run (to get dd1 to school) was hellish (remembers a day when dd2 barricaded herself naked under the bed). Then other days where we would be out and I couldn't get them home, without dd2 kicking and screaming - shudder. Hence the double pushchair, and lots of bribery!

I have been spending the day making a portable board (ie a mini ikea chopping board!) into a thing to use pec cards on for ds, it is all very Blue Peter. I was thinking of having it attatched to my belt, but figured I will look a little odd!

DD1 keeps getting up into her bed knowing I can't physically get her out!Also have been late for school due to her locking herself in the bathroom!

It is so frutrating that I can't get her out without major struggles (and sometimes at all)then can't get her back home!!

Board sounds impressive! I am soooo rubbish at anything creative so ordered the ebay ones, much cheaper than on the officialwebsites must reprder or find somewhere else to do it-cant even remember ebay password again and it all feels too complicated due to no sleep-wish amazon did them.

Anyone seen any cheap visual aid stuff that isnt ebay?

DD1 did so well today at her school assembly. She is a different child when she isn't tired. I think she needs the holidays.

I have just seen this on Amazon, Used2, I have only had a quick look so there may be other stuff on there.

oh wow thanks hazey I think I will order that now-I am going to see if they do the picture sets on there too.

zzzz that is all such good advice, I am going to try my absolute best with the positive stuff , what we are going to do rather than not. This is something I try nut have been slack with and dd always senses when I am overwrought and unprepared!

Also going to try the visual aid stuff to make plans. Am tempted to write this stuff down to show DH so we are both on the same lines.

I had to laugh at the mummy/baby/teddy routine becuse this evening I put DD to bed as a baby-she is scarily good at baby impressions(and dog ones which she got so obsessed with I ended up in lengthy conversation about how to get her to be herself again with the ed psych ). She has ben so angry at me recentky that she hasn't let me near her without kicking me, spitting or thumping but in her character of baby DD1 I was able to cuddle her, rock her, kiss her etc and we had a lovely bedtime with songs and massage and loads f cuddles, I am hoping that makes her more secure.

Feeling terrible guilt about it all today,I keep worrying about the awfulstart she got compared to DD2 and then my mum said ah she is just all angry and hurt and jealous about the baby. Which I know but my mum has a way of describing things very emotively which encourages my guilt!

Thanks zzzz. You make a really good point about the benefits of younger siblings, I need to keep reminding myself I haven't done a bad thing by giving her a sister, long term especially.

dd1 was so poorly as a newborn and had awful medical procedures. She now wants me to talk about poorly baby dd1 and look at the photos. I hate it as it was a really hard time and reminds me even more what an easy ride dd2 gets in comparison but its all part of dd1 needing to be reassured she is my baby too I think.

zzzzz, you are very wise

I was thinking this morning how lucky ds is to have his sisters this morning, as I could hear dd1 helping ds climb up onto her bed, so she could show him a book, and I heard her saying, 'what's the sign for dog xxx? Look there's the dog etc' it was so lovely. Then I walked into find dd2 putting a pair of her disney princess knickers on ds (over his trousers) I guess they are lucky to have each other too!!