playdate worries

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

my dd has been invited to a playdate by the very nice mummy of one of her school friends. This little girl has an older brother who is quite close to ds in age so she has very kindly invited ds as well.
Now, ds has HFA and is on an ABA programme. He is accompanied by tutor at school and I think it's in everyone's interests for him to be accompanied on playdates as well and that is what we have always done in the past. I am at work so I can't do it. Am slightly discombobulated at how I introduce the idea of ds being accompanied by his tutor. I don;t know how much about ds this mummy has picked up through being around school. She may have noted that ds is accompanied by someone but she's never mentioned it.
Any advice welcome. Am floundering in sea of potential social embarrassment atm.

Dd2 has never been on a playdate or a party on her own so i worry about this too. How far away from your house is the playdate? could you be on call if anything goes wrong or ds gets upset? I don't know your ds's issues so can not tell you what to do but i would be tempted to let him go alone as long as the parent understands that he has HFA and knows to phone you if theres a problem.

How old is your dd? would she be able to advise the parent if ds got upset?

I'm sure the parent probably knows that your ds has extra help (i'm sure her ds would have told her), she may even know that he has autism.

Good luck xx

I am at work in London so no, not near at all. There is no issue with his tutor going with him for our side - she's quite happy to. It's more a question of how I introduce that to the other mummy.

Well I'm pretty laidback and have two chilldren with autism but I have to admit you wouldn't sell me on the idea of having a tutor accompany your child on a playdate.....sorry. It sounds as though the other Mum is being really kind trying to include ds when it is essentially dd's invitation. I'm pretty sure she'd have no idea that you might wish for the tutor to go too.
I'd welcome a parent but I'd find having the tutor there awkward tbh.

my ds (AS) is also always accompanied by his social integration worker - at home and also on any playdates (althoug there arent many tbh). recently all our three ds' got invited to a birthday party at our neighbours (who also have 3 boys similar in age). I accepte the invitation but asked if it would be ok for the social integration worker to be there too. she was fine with it, infact she said she assumed that would be the case.

However, your situation is slightly different in that it is really your dd who is invited and your ds to go along (which is very nice!). I guess it depends on how well you know her and how open you are about your ds' dx, and how much you would like your ds to actually attend the party. If it were me and I wanted ds to be able to go to the party I would probably thank her for being so thoughtful to invite ds too. and as she has probably noticed, ds always has a tutor with him and would it be ok for her to go along with him. explain why he needs her there.

if you are in doubt about how she will react to this, maybe I would just thank her for being so thoughtful and explain that it may be difficult as ds is always accomanied by his tutor. I guess that it would be up to her to decide whether to leave it as that or invite the tutor along too?

sorry I know it's not that easy and dont think I was very helpful in finding a solution...

We do ABA for ds too (HFA, 5yo) and I understand your feelings! It is a strange and unusual set-up for those who don't know anything about it.

I agree with outnumberedbymen, andwould completely come clean and explain - ds has HFA and has behavioural therapy (don't need to go into the details of ABA) to help him socially. Social support, particularly playdates, is a big part of the therapy. Ask would it be weird if his tutor came? It's up to her to say no - but I would be surprised if she did say no. Explain briefly how it would work, what your tutor would do etc.

The only thing that might be difficult is if the other child would find it too strange but depends how old they are? Ime 3/4/5 year olds don't notice. 6/7 year olds might.

My ds is 5 too. He has been doing ABA with UKYAP for almost 3 years.
I have slightly bottled it and made an excuse for ds. The main point is really for the dds to play and nice though this mummy is I would rather defer explanations til I know her a bit better. I will offer a return match and the notion of tutor involvement can be introduced that way.
Discretion is the better part of valour and all that ... but thanks for all perspectives. This is the only place I know I will get advice on these issues from people with expereince!