Why does he not understand

[littlelegsmum]

Sorry, I know this is a child's thread but I'm just so worn out with the dc, then dh proves, once more that he has no idea of dc's ways (or difficulties).

He's more than happy to 'go along' with the process but he just doesn't seem bothered by finding things out - I don't know if I've researched too much but no matter what they do dh is on their back, shouting or is saying they're just being 'little shits'. . I can see when they are being naughty and when it's 'them' and will make allowances.

How do I get dh to understand them? Or am I wasting my time? :(

am in same situation with my dh he himself as AS and every thing as to have a reason:( ds 10 as AS dd 5 as medical needs but now looking at asd and adhd he can not understand her at all, he constantly shouts which upsets both children saying they should know how to good.

I have a similar problem with my DP, he says he understands about ASD but he refuses to support me with the strategies I use for Dd3.

He will shout at her instead of using the yellow and red cards system I have introduced, he expects her to comply with everything he says and he doesnt listen to her [or any one else]

I have booked us on a course and am going to tell him he has to come, we are on a waiting list atm but fingers crossed we get on in september.

I end up sticking up for Dd3 and undermining him but I dont really care, its his responsibility to understand about his child and I have tried and tried to help him.

Sorry not much help but at least you are not alone.

Good luck

Thank you trace and ineed.

Maybe today feels worse and I'm just letting it get to me more. I agree that dh should be making time to understand and tell him the reasons why they behave the way they do. It's taken so long for me to reason with ds about brushing his teeth - which he has a real issue with - then dh goes up, shouts very loud and thinks he's arsing about.

It's just so tiring for those of us that deal with this every day yet don't have the back up we'd like. I just stayed out of it tonight but normally I do overrule.

There are a number of us on this board that deal with this in varying degrees. Not that that helps, mind you. But surely it highlights something, right??

It definitely Does, triggles

With DH pre understanding days lol I would quietly suggest different things and if he was insistent to do it "his way" then I went out and left him to the fallout.

Then come back in and take over and it would calm in 5 mins and DH would look aghast at me. I never contradicted him infront of DS because that could give lead to DS trying to undermine DH when mums not there so to speak. But discuss after the event.

Also if I am dealing with DS then DH does not intervene but takes over when I call if I need time out. Same goes for me I dont intervene but at the same time if DH is "doing it wrong" I know I will have my call to take over and put it right.

We use a lot of "sign language in our house!"

Sign Language - I should try that!

I think it would be worth me trying that coffee. That way he'll understand more each time - although he just shouts (really really loud) at the minute! :(

I wonder if you could try videoing him with the kids? Then play it back and see what he makes of it.

He might not like seeing himself shouting at them and it may hit a nerve and calm it for a bit for him to listen to other approaches?

I did that. Made a video on my mobile when DH was going off. He was horrified. He has improved it and is still working on it.

Now That is a great idea and i'll definitely use it in future 'situations' I'm always trying to video bits to show professionals, so this would not look too unusual. Thank you :)

yeah.

wish i knew what to do about it

:(

we're working through this now too, DD is dx ASD and is HF

in the early days of assessment etc DH really withdrew from parenting, he said he didn't know what i was doing, that i was changing the rules on him and he felt like i was 'running with the ball'

it was hard for me to hear, but he was right - i was (and still am) learning so much about autism and have time to read it (SAHM) but now we go to a monthly support meeting together. we got to all DDs appts together, we have a 1 day training workshop soon which we are going to, together.

it seems we talk about little else other than autism at times, but we're getting there - see even now we here on this thread are understanding something by just talking about it, if our DPs aren't in on the conversation, we are parenting without them...

It can be frustrating. With DH, I can explain to him the best way to handle particular situations (that DS2 will react to the best and still maintains house rules), but when it all falls apart, DH gets stressed and reacts instead of trying to remember how to deal with it, and it all goes haywire. If I don't say anything, then he thinks I'm just dropping him in it, but if I step in to reroute it to the way it needs to be handled, then he thinks I'm undermining him.

We're still working on it. What I've been trying to do is sometimes afterwards quietly say "that was okay, but how about trying this next time it happens and see if that's not easier on both of you?" or I'll step in and say "you seem like this is stressing you out, how about I handle it this time, if you don't mind just helping me out with it a bit...." so he can see how much better it is to deal with it in a particular way.

It's tricky.