IEP meeting today(finally!!)need to remain calm and not get angry. Any tips?

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Hi everyone!

Well this bloody meeting has been put off for various reasons for about a month!! Either one teacher or another is unexpectedly absent, can't leave late because of Olympic Torch, it's gone on and on and each time i've just gone a long with it because yes I need them all there and on side.

So it's tonight after school and i'm really nervous. Mainly because I'm worried I wont keep my cool. I've posted on here about it all before, but basically we've always known DD(5) struggles with social skills and certain co ordination and balance problems, but school have always disagreed. Long story short we're now waiting to be seen by a paed. School after almost a year are now saying that "yes she's different. She shows signs of autism, but there's no need to get her labeled". Sorry for those of you who have heard all this before. So i'm sure you can understand why i'm angry. I've asked the question so many times!!! "is she interacting appropriately?" to which I always had the reply "yes, she's fine. She's the same as everybody else". Now they're back tracking and saying that yes, they've always known that DD was 'different'.

I've just jotted down lots of questions for the meeting, but i'm worried that I wont able to keep calm and may get emotional because I feel like they've let DD down with this delay and actually,these LIES. I know that sounds dramatic, but that's what they are!

So really i'm just looking for a little support please. Any advice on how to keep my head and not get emotional.

Thanks in advance. You've always been so helpful in the past!

Oh and should also point out that one of the teachers is renowned for being very up and down with her mood. If you catch her on a good day, she's very helpful and kind, but on a bad day, she's really snappy, moody and seemingly argumentative. So you never really know what you're going to get or how to approach her.

I suppose this could be adding to my anxiety. I really don't want us to clash.

What is happening about getting your dd assessed if you are all in agreement that the red flags for autism are there?

Don't rely on the school to make the necessary referrals and get things moving for your dd, especially as they have already stonewalled and wasted time.

I would recommend going to your GP for a referral to a developmental paediatrician. If there are no dev paeds in your pct - which is possible/probably, then you can go via the community paeds, who can refer you to the appropriate people for your dd to be properly assessed. If you make the phone-call for the GP appointment today, you will feel more in control yourself and also show the school that you are taking control and aren't going to be messed around anymore.

Meanwhile, the school should be bringing in the Ed Psychs to assess how your dd copes in school and make recommendations of ways they can support her.

Ideally both things need to be happening, but realistically there will be waiting lists on both sides, so the school need to get some strategies in place via the IEP/School Action process in the meantime.

As for not getting angry, that's a toughie. I think we all feel like shouting, ranting and raving at these meetings very often, but as you said, you need work with these people to get the best support for your dd, so it's a case of sit on your hands and bite your tongue BUT be firm and polite, even if you feel like being anything but. Very often they will try the parent to child method of interaction with you and you need to make sure that you stand your ground and don't let them talk down to you. Best way, is not to enter into arguments but quietly and calmly keep restating your case.

I have so far only lost my temper in a meeting once in the three years we have been dealing with the school regarding ds1's AS and that was when I knew I was being blatantly lied to by a temporary SENCO who was trying to block me applying for a statement. To be fair, I didn't rant and rave, but I did raise my voice and tell her she was wrong and that I would get a statement for my son, even if it meant taking it to a tribunal. Interestingly she backed straight down after I refused to back down myself and never challenged me with that sort of codswallop again.

Good luck this afternoon. I hope you can get some immediate support in place for your dd.

Having your questions written down in advance is a good idea - You could also make a copy for the others at the meeting so that the questions you want answering become at least part of the agenda. It may be too short notice but is there anyone who can come with you to take independent minutes? Good luck, hope it goes well.

Oh yes, good point pinkorkid.

Either make lots of notes, or even better get someone to come along and do it for you, then send a copy of your 'minutes' to them for confirmation of what was agreed and what action will be taken.

Thank you.

pinkorkid, the minutes would be a good idea. DP is coming along too, but I don't think he'll be able to keep up to be honest He's not the fastest writer, so I think i'll be asking the quesions and speedily jotting down the answers. Actually that's another thing, DP is, if anything, more hotheaded and angry about all the to put it bluntly, f**k ups!! so to be honest, i'd rather he wasn't there. I can't ask him not to be there because he has every right to be, but i'm just really concerned he'll lose it. He doesn't realise how his tone can come across as aggressive sometimes.

Bloody hell, we're talking 2 weeks before they break up!! It's ridiculous! What kind of POA can be put in place when she's got such little time left in Foundation. All of a sudden it's "we think she's going to really struggle with the transition into Class 1" Well, you can't have only just thought that surely!!! It feels as though they're just wanting to pass her onto the next teacher to deal with. Because she's not been disruptive, they've managed to bullshit us with the "oh everything's fine" act!! It's making my bloody boil! Not a good start really is it. Must calm myself.

Thanks again

Blood sorry, not bloody.

Getting so nervous now.............. Time's ticking, got to be there in an hour and even with all my notes etc, I feel so unprepared, physically and emotionally. I almost feel like I should have a good cry before I go and get it out of my system. But i'm trying desperately to bring myself up and be more positive. God i'm pathetic!

I always used to cry! You just love them so much and nobody else cares as much as you do. It depends on the audience whether tears will actually be beneficial or not. Are they all hard nosed bastards or could it help sway them? Too many hard nosed bs at my school! But seriously, cry if you need to, it just sows them how much it means and how much stress you are under. Good luck. X