Rant about my ex and DLA

[DLALuxuries]

I have namechanged for this and will change a few details as I think my ex-h may be tracking me.

So we have been divorced for 5 years. I am a lone parent to 2 DCs with SN. Me and ex-h had a financial agreement through solicitors at the point of divorce. He has rang me the past few days to ask what I spend the DCs DLA money on.

I have a pretty large mortgage but was lucky enough to get the house (and the mortgage) in the divorce settlement. He is asking how I spend the DLA/Carers/Tax Credits.

Is it any of his business? I told him not. The money is spent keeping the roof over their heads and food in the cupboard. Is that wrong?

It is also used for other things like clothes for the children, the endless equipment I have to buy or replace, petrol to and from hospital visits.

He is reducing his maintenance payments as he thinks I am 'rolling in it'. This is the man that saw his DC's about 10 times last year and now wants to resume contact but reduce maintenance.

I can live with the reduced child maintenance but calling me a bad mother for spending their DLA on the mortgage. Really? Am I a monster?

Apologies for the rant. After over 200+ visits at hospital over 2 years - none of which he has attended, I feel kind of bitter.

Opinions anyone?

I think this is where the MN mantra strikes! Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there to fuck off again!

It is none of his business how you conduct your financial affairs and he is responsible for paying an appropriate amount for HIS children whether you have lots of money or none at all! I would be seeing a solicitor/CSA to ensure he doesn't lower his payments (assuming he is not paying you a Tom Cruise -Suri type sum).

FWIW I don't know of many(any)people that can stick away the DLA for their child. What's more it's not a good idea to do so as when our children become adults and end up needing social care, they need to NOT have savings to claim benefits they may need. Sad but true.

My DS2 has DLA at a high rate. Usually it goes into the melting pot of funds for food, petrol etc. In September when his sister goes to uni it will feed her, as it does his elder sister, also at Uni. I feel absolutely no problem in this. We meet the costs of his special needs, his support needs, clubs that are expensive because they are not mainstream etc out of his DLA but the rest helps the whole family! A roof over your head is a need..!

So no, you aren't bad. And he is a knob of the highest order!!

Thank you Medusa. I needed a reply before I can 'rest' tonight. When I talk about a large mortgage, I am not talking millions. It's a bog standard 3 bed semi. Yes, there is some equity in it, but you only get equity out of it when you sell and selling is not an option.

He is not paying me a Tom-Suri type sum. He is not rich. We are just your normal worker bees . Well, he is. I can't work because of the Carers issue.

Thank you for your comments wrt the housing issue. I could hoard the DCs DLA, not pay the mortgage, lose the house and end up elsewhere because of that. What is the point? I would like to keep the family home. They love it here.

It is not luxurious. It is a necessity. It really annoys me that he feels I am frittering away the DLA. He has no idea of the hidden costs of SN children as well. i.e. you can buy them new clothes/trainers from Primark but they won't wear them. One of my dc's has autism and throws and breaks things so I have to replace them. I put by whatever I can. I'm trying my best and he's kicking me in the teeth.

What a dick. Typical bloody man not wanting his ex to have any quality of life.
I got in conversation with a lone dad at a park once. His child had sen. He said "my ex gets DLA but I don't get any of it." Said with a roll of his eyes. I could have cheerfully kicked his teeth in.

I can't work right now due to DS's needs. My income would be in the 40% tax bracket if I could. Does DLA replace a lost career in terms of general affluence in our household - no it bloody does not! We go without stuff other kids take for granted so that I can use the DLA to fund DS's needs from replacing stuff wot he's broken, suitable clothing to last months optremtrist's bill. I'm far from special & my son's DLA does not negate the need for a roof over his head.

Tell him to try living off the £55 carers allowance amount for a couple of months, to include ALL his bills, groceries, rent etc, and only then to come back to you with that kind of nonsense, or alternatively to source & pay for the specialist childcare your children would need so you can go out and work. A quick phone call to the local council for details and costs of appropriate childcare should get him to fook off to the far side of fook for a while .

Oh and while you are at it - nominate him to attend all those wonderful end of year meetings with random "experts" that having a kid with SEN's entails.

To not want to support your kids is low, to refuse to adequately support an SEN child is utterly beyond contempt (& I say this as a sole carer who recieves no maintenance at all).

Thanks for the replies Bochead and kissingtoads

I too had a good job. I would LOVE to work but it's impossible due to the DCs needs. My life has utterly been taken over as a carer. I have 3 pairs of jeans and 4 tops that I rotate and wear. I haven't had a new pair of shoes in I don't know how long. Most of my furniture has been donated by my family (he left me in a lot of debt which I have clawed my way out of, finally).

He has no idea how much equipment I have had to replace due to DCs tantrums. I am on first names terms with the staff at Argos!

Cheeky get. I will try to calm down today and repeat what people say to me day after day "you are a great mum. I don't know how you cope".

Hugs to all other carers out there. Thanks for reading my rant.

Men and fucking money. My ex has real difficulty with me having access to any of 'his' money, wants to support the DC directly as soon as they are 18, and still at school, including my DS2 with SEN. (Like he wouldn't just blow it on the internet!) This is despite the fact that I can only work school hours, gave up a good career to look after our children and he was the one who left me for the OW. He is just trying to control you again. I like 'fuck off to the far side of fuck,' but maybe just say it under your breath?

DLA is not your money its the child's for the extra costs related to their disability. It is not paid in your name and does not form part of your income. It is the child's income. So for maintenance it should not come into the equation as it would be a case of looking at his income - and yours (carers, tax credits).

Of course in practice we all throw it in the general pot to keep afloat and use it for bills etc. But for any legal purpose you should be saying you spend it on things for your child with SN - which will include petrol, equipment, extra heating, house with extra bedroom as cannot share etc etc

Politicians and journalists often don't live in the real world and see DLA as some huge bonus we spend on ourselves and that we should not be using this as income - but as many of us have lost our income there is no choice.

It is none of his business but I also doubt it would even come into play in setting maintenance as ultimately it is not your income. I have to fill out a self employed tax return and I do not have to put DS DLA on it as it is in his name, not mine. I would guess that for child support the same would apply, the child's DLA would not count towards the calculation.

Thanks for the replies.

This whole thing has blown up because he wants to reduce the maintenance as he no longer earns what he did when we divorced - so he says. I can't stop him without taking him back to court to enforce the court order. And to be fair, if he is earning less then fair enough. I don't want to fleece the man and I won't be trying to enforce the court order either. I don't have the money, time or energy.

I know technically the DLA shouldn't come into place in setting maintenance, but when we went through mediation I had to disclose everything that went into my bank account. I would imagine the same would apply if I tried to enforce the court ordered maintenance.

Now we are divorced, I don't have to disclose anything to HIM do I? I am prepared to take the drop in maintenance money. But I am not going to tell him what I spend money on. Ellen are you pyschic ? I divorced him on the grounds on his controlling behaviour.

FWIW I have told him not to ring me again. We have not spoken or met for over 2 years but he withheld his number and I picked up. MISTAKE!

What a nobhead!!!! I think everyone spends dla differently and there's no right or wrong way. We put ours in a seperate account and use it purely for dd2. HOWEVER I've a feeling they will reduce it to low rate as we've just had to renew and if they do this I will lose carers so will have to use dla to live on. I too had a very good well paid job before dd2 came along and we enjoyed luxury holidays and the like. Things change and prioritys change, now we have to scrape along but I wouldn't change me girls ;)

I just don't tell anyone what benefits I receive now, including DLA and Carers, as I've read so much about how others perceive it. Even to close family, I still think it's not worth dealing with any conflicts that might come up. I have heard nasty playground gossip as well about DM-style stories about families receiving DLA for exaggerated conditions, so I have no doubt it would put me in the firing line if they knew I was getting it for DS.

Unless it's absolutely necessary to disclose it, I just wouldn't mention it at all.

Two points - surely maintenance is only based on HIS income not your's? Everyone I know who goes through the CSA gets allocated a % of the ex's income depending on how many kids they have, not depending on their own income. Even if they remarry the ex still has to pay the same for the children. Your income would only be relevant if he was paying you personal maintenance which is more of an American thing?

Secondly, DLA is Disabled Living Allowance, therefore you LIVE on it LOL. It's not called Disabled Save it for a Rainy Day Allowance.

Same goes for Carer's Allowance, I only got the form this week. It asks if I care for him more than 35 hours a week (tick) then I might get £58 a week. That's not even paper-round wages LOL. But when you're used to getting nothing it means alot and will make a big difference to us.

ps LOVE Medusa's first comment!

AnnaMM when I say the maintenance was court ordered, it was not done through the CSA and not done on a percentage basis. Although having digged around a bit this morning (aka Google), I may end up having to get the CSA involved now. The maintenance is purely for the children. There is no spousal payment.

Good luck with your CA application by the way. x

One thing this thread has made me realise is that I don't owe him any amount of disclosure about how I spend the money that goes into my bank account.

Can you send him a copy of your original DLA application as a reminder of why you are entitled to access the money? Or complete a mock-up for him on the newer form as it's a little more user-friendly?

Actually ignore that, have just noticed your point about his controlling behaviour and I can just imagine someone like that picking apart the form with a finetoothed comb and interrogating you.

I would tell him to mind his own business or he may find himself paying more... not less if you are forced to go to the CSA.

Whilst you are at it, remind him that your child's DLA was awarded to your child for your child's additional needs... not so he can reduce his maintenance payments to support his child!!!

Words fail me agree with everyone's comments Tell him to fuck off it is none of his business DICKHEAD