Problems with childcare - help!

[mackerella]

Hi all, have posted on here about a year ago, but am a long-term lurker as well! Apologies in advance about the v long post...

Bit of background: DS is 18 months old and has severe VI (with a small amount of useful vision, tho'). He also has a very serious long-term illness that has required a lot of hospital treatment over the last year - we still have frequent appointments/interventions, but nothing like last year.

I went back to work a year ago, but managed to find a job working part-time from home, which I fitted around DS's treatment/hospital stays. DH was also working part-time so very involved with childcare. We also had help from GPs, which was great and meant that it wasn't just me trying to look after DS. This is relevant because DS has always been extremely clingy, and I was really pleased to see that he was getting to trust other people looking after him. He's still quite clingy and whingy, a lot of which is normal for children with his level of vision and medical history. He's also developmentally delayed compared with sighted children (again normal - at least, according to his QTVI ) so is not yet walking independently and doesn't have any speech. Unfortunately, he's getting to the age where he's finding this very frustrating, so he probably does come across as quite 'whingy', 'needy' and 'difficult' when he can't convey to us what he wants. He's also not great at playing independently, although I'd say he can play on his own for about 50% of the time at home.

A couple of months ago I went back to work properly, two days/week outside the home. We dithered for ages about childcare, but eventually found a CM who seemed great - care experience of various sorts, including lots of experience working with children/adults with ASD. She seems very kind and caring and (which was important for us) only has 2 or 3 children at a time, all of whom are quite young.We had several short settling-in sessions and although DS was very upset when we left him, he was ok when picked up. We've now had a couple of months with CM, and I'm not really sure how well it's going or whether we should radically rethink the whole childcare situation (including my working at all ). Some days the CM seems pleased with how it's gone, but most of the time, she tells me that it's been a bad day and that DS has spent most of the day being whingy and upset. She seems taken aback by how much attention he needs and says that he's far more demanding than other children his age. (I've tried explaining that she should think of him as an 11- or 12-month old baby, not an 18-month old, but not sure if that's sunk in yet.) In particular, she seems bothered by his 'noise' (constant low-level whinging) and seems to feel personally bad about this, although she does concede that this is just 'him' and he's not necessarily unhappy - he just can't express himself in other ways yet.

So I feel we're caught on the horns of a dilemma now. In the long term, we need to encourage DS to socialise with other children and to move gently towards more independence. All the indications are that he will be educated in a mainstream primary school (with literacy/braille support from his QTVI and probably other 1-to-1 help) and we need to work towards making that possible for him. On the other hand, I know he'd be happiest staying at home with me (I wouldn't, but that's another matter...). But although I know he'd prefer that sort of intensive, high-attention care in the short term, I don't think that's best for him in the long term. He's already missed out a lot on socialising through being in hospital/isolation care so much last year and I feel it would be good for him to get out of the home and into a quiet, but more busy environment. But I feel crap every time I pick him up from the CM and she says he's whinged all day.

SO sorry about the epic post! I'd be very grateful if some of you could share your experiences of childcare (whatever your child's SN), because I suspect that I'm not the only person to have gone through this. Please help - what is the best way to resolve this?

Firstly welcome to the board

What a difficult situation for you and your family mackerella

I dont think I am going to be able to give you any useful advice but I didnt want your post to go unanswered.

I have a Dd with ASD who went to a childminder for a very short time, she was a person I trusted and who had looked after Dd2 so I was very confident with her abilities, but having said that Dd3 was a very different ball game to Dd2. She refused all feeds and screamed the whole time she was there, we did settling in visits but it didnt help.

In the end on my first day back at work after maternity leave the CM phoned me at about 2pm in tears and said she didnt think she could comtinue as Dd3 was so distressed. I left work that same day and thanks to a very understanding GP, never went back.

Have you asked the CM how she thinks it is going, if she is experienced she will probably be honest with you. Tell her that you are concerned and see if she is feeling the same. This might help yu to make this very difficult desision.

Good luck

Hi.
Does your cm look after many other children at the same time? And is your dc the youngest?
Has your cm had previous experience of SN? Your local children's services (through county council) may be able to give to a list of SN childminders.

My dd has wraparound care with a cm. cm has had no experience with SN before. But have to say she is amazing and we are very lucky.
Cm looks after the same 2 other children. Dd is the middle one age wise. and most of the time only the youngest is there so 1:2 ratio.
Because dd has other childcare settings cm doesn't have to do any of the early years observation thingys.
Cm (under my instruction) treats dd exactly the same as the younger child. (1yr younger) which works brilliantly for dd.
She's the best cm we've had (older nt dc too), I think what works about cm is that she has realistic (developmental stage appropriate) expectations of dd. she doesn't expect too much from dd. she is like another nan-nan for dd, and babys her a bit, which works for dd (and us) as dd has progressed in some areas which is down to the way cm treats her, big praises for potty use, etc.

My dd, and all dc I think, take a while to settle into a nursery/CM, I nearly gave up work after first gng back and having to leave dd. I would give it a bit longer, maybe another 2months and see how you feel then. I agree you should speak to CM to see how she thinks its going+she might start to get more used to the 'noise' and stop feeling personally bad about it the more she gets to. Know him. Its only 2days a week and I think it will prob do you both good to have that little space to interact with others. Don't know what hours you work but could you maybe shorten the days at all? Like finishing 3pm instead of 5pm? With my dd things changed really quickly+suddenly she was fine+happy to go in without even a glance back at me! I think the more your ds gets to know the cm+vice versa the easier/better it will get. Good luck+hope it gets sorted :)

Wow, lots of replies already - thanks!

Ineedalife sorry to hear that things were so difficult for you and your DD3, and that you ended up having to give up work. I hope things are going better now. I have spoken to the CM - in fact, she has been very open with me about her concerns, so it's a bit of a two-way process. When she was talking about it at pick-up today, I pushed her a bit, and asked if she felt it wasn't going to work out ... and she started back-tracking a bit and saying that things hadn't got to that stage yet! She also tried to push the decision onto me (which is fair enough) but I did point out that I'm not there during the day and that I rely on her to tell me how DS has been and if she feels he's been really unhappy (rather than just a bit clingy and 'noisy' but basically ok). I think it's probably the latter - so the issue is maybe how to give her more information about the development of children with VI and how to manage her expectations of his behaviour/needs a bit better.

frustratedpants she never has more than 2 or 3 children at a time, and they're all quite young (1 or 2 - I think she may have one 3 year old). DS is the middle child both days, I think, in fact her set-up sounds very similar to your DD's. I think telling her to treat DS like the younger child is a very good idea and I'll have a chat with her about this next time I see her. I'm trying to set up a meeting between her and DS's QTVI, and I think that would be helpful in terms of giving her a better idea what to expect about development of a VI child. (I could always give her a copy of the dreaded Early Support Developmental Journal... ) She does have experience of SN, but only ASD, I think (although her experience there is extensive). I did contact the council when we were looking for childcare, and their brokerage service for parents of disabled children was very useful - that's how we found DS's CM.

Do you mind if I ask how old your DD is? And also about 'wraparound care', which I've never heard of - what exactly is it?

osospecial Thank you so much for the reassurance, which is just what I want to hear right now! DS is very attached to my mum, who has looked after him one day a week for the last 9 months or so and I realised that it will only be a couple more months until DS has spent as many days with the CM as with my DM - it soon stacks up when you're going twice a week! I take your point about cutting my hours, but I'm not sure if I can manage that in practice as I do a job-share. DH and I have minimised the number of hours that DS is with the CM: DH starts and finishes work late so he can take DS to the CM at a reasonable time, and I leave at the crack of dawn so I can finish work at 4. DS is with the CM for about 9 hours a day, twice a week. Don't know if that sounds unreasonable?

Makerella, I totally understand that you can't always get your ideal hours so an earlier finish may not be an option, I had to work more days in order to reduce my hours per day to finish at 3pm so its not ideal it just suited me a bit better at the time as well. 9hrs a day twice a week doesn't sound unreasonable to me (my dd was 9hrs a day 3days a week at first-i didn't like such long days but I'd only just convinced my employer to reduce my days from 5 to 3 aft maternity leave then), these days its hard enough to get a job at all let alone one that's suited exactly to you, you have to compromise a bit if you can get something that's close to your needs so I def don't think ur being unreasonable. I hope your DS settles in soon and it all goes well for you :)

Wraparound is the extra care either side of nursery or school as they finish earlier than I finish work (half days). Dd is 4.

Thanks frustrated. And thanks again oso - you've been so lovely and reassuring! :)