a little bit of advice for someone with no experience of autism

[anice]

DS started a new school this year and he's made a few friends in his new class, one of whom has autism. DS likes the boy and the boy likes DS but sometimes - maybe twice a month - DS tells me stories of how the boy throws furniture around the classroom or hit the staff and other children, even though he has a full-time 1-on-1 TA.

Its DS's birthday soon and I've invited his other new friends to a birthday treat after school. I'd like to invite the child with autism too, but I'm worried about how I'll cope if he kicks off?

It will just be me and half a dozen 10 year olds. I don't want to exclude the child and its horrible to see all your friends go off like this so i don't want to do that to him.

DS wants to invite his friend but he says he doesn't know what sets him off, so he's a little nervous of having it happen on his birthday.

Has anyone got any advice? I don't know his mum from Adam so I can't think how to approach her.

How lovely that you want to include him. It's harder later on in Juniors to get to know the other parents. Can you track her down via a note in the book bag to give you a call. Then perhaps ask her if she could accompany her DS to the party to give you some help. Maybe ask another parent also so she doesn't feel singled out? Personally, I would have bitten your arm off for an invitation for my DS and I always went along to parties until everyone knew him better. So long as you say it nicely, that you don't know him very well and are a bit worried about looking after 6 boys on your own, I'm sure she won't mind. Good luck. X

hopefully if you just explained the above to the mother....? though maybe I wouldn't mention the furniture throwing in the first conversation ;)

I literally cried I was so happy when someone eventually invited ds to a birthday party - terrified that he would 'show me up' , as you describe, - but delighted - and just had to hope for the best that things wouldn't go haywire - if someone had given me the opportunity to explain how he could be catered for before visiting their house - I'd have felt a lot more at ease about taking him. There is a good chance she would be delighted to have the opportunity to say what he needs /doesn't need / just to know that you care.

sorry x-posted with ElliJane - who rightly pointed out that you mightn't run into the mother that easily.... good idea about using the book bag

Thanks for your reply. What worries me is what if she says "no" to helping because I can't withdraw the invitation and its sounds like quite a physical job to hold him when he has an episode. Is that just silly because of course, she won't refuse??

YANBU to expect her to stay to deal with /help prevent any "issues" - agree it would be tricky if she didn't

If he only kicks off occasionally I doubt he'll be any problem. One of ds3's best friends has autism (interestingly enough - ds3 hasn't noticed), and he was good as gold at ds3's party. This boy also has full time 1:1 at school.

If he kicks off just separate him until he calms down. Unless parties are a particular trigger I would imagine he'll be fine. Have to say ds3's friend's parents just dropped him with a cheery 'you know he has autism right?' and off they went. I told the dad that I hadn't been officially told he had autism but had spotted that he had . I would imagine if he'd been likely to be difficult they would have stayed around or told us. I probably asked if there were any triggers and whether he was a runner. (no and no). If he's likely to be difficult I would imagine the parents will warn you. I'd never leave ds1 anywhere alone for example as it wouldn't be safe for him.

I seriously would not hold him if he kicks off. Not unless he's about to get himself run over or something. Giving space much better.

But if he only blows once or twice a month it's unlikely to be at a party. Ask if there are triggers. For example I know one boy whose trigger is to be told to do some work. That's not going to happen at a party.

From what DS tells me, the TA holds him in class when he's trying to hit or kick someone. I'll go to the playground today and try to get DS to point out his friend, so that I can speak to whoever is picking him up.

I'm nervous already because I really don't want to get it wrong!

Just invite him as you would do anyone else - through his mum/dad in person or via book bag. Mention that you're happy for him to come on his own if they think he will be ok. And that alternatively they are welcome to come along too if that would be better.

If they think he can handle and send him on his own, just ask them beforehand if there is anything that you should look out for (ie anything that might trigger anxiety or fear in him - eg not totally relevant as my ds is much younger but when he was 4yo he was terrified by those party trumpet things). And also ask how best to look after him and what to do if he does find things difficult.

I am sure they won't send him on his own if they don't think he can manage it.

(Btw I wouldn't put it in terms such as "when he has an episode" - bit more understanding to say things like "what should we do if he finds things overwhelming"? )

Don't be nervous - they'll be delighted to be asked I'm sure. I hope he can come and that they all have a great time.

Agree avoid "episode" use terms like anxious, overwhelming or feel paniky :)

Do you have a garden? A trampoline you could borrow from someone?

If its too much indoors open the garden door up and let the boy run. Give him the option of peace or bounce as some children like one and some like the other.

DS finds school hard going but when out somewhere else he is a different lad so you could find he may not find it hard. Sometimes social skills are hard in understanding the other children wether they are joking, being serious etc it could be took wrongly so its good to be within earshot to help out occasionally if you see the body language changing as he may just not understand someone and it can be easily rectified.

Above all INVITE him! :) DS is 7 and has been to 1 friends party since he started school and he still has the invite on the fridge. You will make a little boy and his parent happy x

Firstly, thank you. It's lovely that you want to invite him, most parents don't and many of our dcs get excluded from parties. In my ds's case he is fully aware that he is never invited to anyone other than his best friend's parties and it hurts, especially when, as has just happened - again, all the rest of the boys are invited and he is the only one left out. He hasn't been invited to anyone else's party since y1 (he's 10 now) and this is a child who is extremely polite, well behaved and never gets physical or aggressive. He gets on with the other boys at school, but is never invited to their parties.

Actually, bialy has said perfectly what I would have said.

Invite him along and tell his parents they are welcome to come too if they would prefer. If they are happy for him to come without them, ask if there's anything he might find difficult or overwhelming and how best to help him if this happens.

I do hope he comes and your ds has a lovely birthday treat.

my son has autism and at his 11th birthday every child that came had autism - i was quite worried in case something happened but nothing did happen - some of my friends came so i had an extra pair hands. if either of my sons have been invited to a party - i often do stay at the party in the background just in case

Ok, I asked, adding that an extra pair of hands would be most appreciated. Now I am just waiting for the answer.

Thanks for all the replies though. i don't know what i was imagining could happen but now I feel more confident that i can cope.

You lovely lady. Even if he doesn't come, the invite alone will probably be treasured.