is the a need of routing? what does 'needs routine' actually mean?

[latterlov3r]

strangly worderd op i know i seem to be doing so much thinking about ds these days and find the advice her invaluable so basically whats on my mind just now is 6 year old ds' school now say he likes to know the routine of the day and when he dosnt it this is when he gets a bit upset fidgety and moves around alot, he dosnt have tantrums or meltdowns or anything though. Dh and i thought thats strange as we dont follow any routines at all and can change plans at the drop of a hat but looking back when he was 3,4 and even 5 he was very routine led he would have massive screaming fits if we went down a different street in the car, didnt say good night in the right order, changed the bed time routine and any plans we had made even if we changed the shop we wanted to go to but we thought he was just being naughty so we broke down each routine with weeks of 'cold turkey' and screaming fits we presumed it was just behavioural.

now at 6 these have all stopped but he has an obsession with knowing what happens next everything you say has another question eg - ds im going to tidy your room up next week, ds - what day next week? i dont know yet, will it be monday? i dont know yet when i get some time? how many days? im not sure yet i said, please can it be monday i want it to be monday, i dont know if it will be monday or not, well tuesday then or wednesday what day? ds i dont know!!

another example - he will say are we going out today mum, yes to the shops later, what time? after lunch sometime, how many hours? not sure exactly what time we are going, are we going to 2 shops? not sure yet, 1 shop? i dont know, but how many shops?? ds i dont know where we are going yet wait and see.

Everything i say he needs to know when why and where is this classed as needing routine? even though its more annoying rather and no breaking down or anything over it? i have found if hes being whining or crying about something if he dosnt get the answer he wants if i say look ds we are going to do x then y then z first then we will do it hes more understanding its just so exhausting! especially when im told there is nothing wrong with him it sure feels like it

im really trying with him now, im making some signs up to put around the house for him, ordering a cushion like school has for him and the out of sync book for myself i just feel like all im doing is shouting everytime he talks to stop the string of questioning and i dont like myself for it at all :(

Yes, latte, that sounds exactly like needing routine to me. He needs to know what's happening so he can have feel he has some control, maybe. I thought my DS didn't need routine because he seemed to manage big changes really well, like holidays etc, but actually he was fine with 'nice' changes, he hated changes to routine when it was more mundane things or unfavourable things.

Once he got to school and the days were more routinely based, he really needed to know what was going on and when and hated all the last minute changes that seem to happen in primary schools. Supply teachers, special history days, sports days etc he hated.

For my DS this was all part of his autism, the rigidity of thought. It can manifest itself as liking routine, or rather having an excessive need of routine when NT DC can cope easily with unexpected changes. It may mean obsessions with certain toys, videos or characters, playing in a repetitive way, seemingly imaginatively, but cannot cope with changes to the 'script.'

I couldn't say whether your DS should have any DX, but generally if you are concerned, you need to be asking for an assessment by a developmental paed, if you haven't already.

thank you i cant believe its taken me so long to click that these questions were an example of him needing routine i suppose i presumed no melt downs anymore so cant be a sign of anything

on another note this thread seems to have dissapeared from the board could only find it via 'threads i started'

That sounds exactly like my DS, he is very routine orientated though doesn't have a dx atm (kept getting the 'wait to see how he goes' approach, finally got referred now he is 6)

Don't you love the 'Mum, how long til the holidays' '3 weeks love' 'how long is 3 weeks?' '21 days ds' ' what numbers are they?' 'A 2 and a 1' 'So how long is that mum'........'insert long drawn out sigh'

He just HAS to know whats happening next and how long until it does but there are some things I've found that seem to settle his anxiety, I brought him a wrist watch(not digital, can't read those for some reason lol) and he knows how to tell the time so for short term things he can see time clicking down.

This even works to my advantage now, I can say to him 'Mummy REALLY needs 15 mins quite time now DS' and instead of constantly asking 'Is 15 mins up yet Mum' he knows :). Sometimes he can take things to far though, like at lunch time for example, he becomes increasingly distressed as 12 o clock comes and goes if lunch is not on the table. Double edged sword there

For the shops I try to have a rough idea of where I need to go, and he has pictures of various shops and a couple of question marks with holes puched in the corner and some string, so if I need to go get some clothes and shoes there will be pic of each of those then 2 question marks a kind of get out of jail free card which means if I fancy a shop or I forgot one I can use my mark and if DS see's a shop he would like he gets to use his.

Bit long winded there but I hope it helps abit, every child is different and what works for one may not with another but I hope you have some luck, and like EllenJane said, if you have concerns see about getting that referral

a watch sounds like a good idea ds cant tell the time but im thinking i can tell him what hands need to be where before x happens, and maybe put some laminated pictures of certain times that such and such will happen on the wall and then he can match the time if that makes sense, will look into getting a watch tomorrow and bought a laminator today so will make a start on that. I did make an appointment with gp about various issues but my youngest was really ill so had to cancel had planned to take him again but dh thought it would be far more obvious if something was really not right and convinced me to leave it, i dont even know how i could talk to a doctor with ds there usually can barely get a word in edgeways when there are strangers around

Yes it sounds exactly like a need for routine.
When ds was about 1 years old ... If we used to give him any information ' ie 'we might go to the park later' he used to get this look of panic on his face and say "but what will happen?!!!"
I always think that everything i have done or stillI do with ds now is somehow still linked to that basic question.
He's 15 now.
Sometimes ... quite raraely...he answers the questions himself now

sounds just like ds1 and 2 to me. Definitely a need for routine and sticking to it.