Please....some advice to help me be effective and deal with this

[soozeedol]

when we are visiting, out for a day trip, shopping...whatever...
this obviously has it's moments when my DS asd/adhd maybe isn't managing or will start to make noises, maybe get louder and repetative or maybe start doing/saying silly things....
so I'm helping him to calm or distract or whatever
BUT this can be wound up and made all the more difficult when my DN of same age 11/12yrs will start to giggle/laugh and seem to be actively encouraging/adding to the situation with laughing.
It makes things quite difficult at times and makes me angry too on occasion.
I have tried several times to explain to her that it is not helpful and that DS is not to be led/encouraged like this and have asked her to try and not laugh with or at him when things happen like this.

Do you find this happens?.... and what can I do or say to manage this better?
We are going away for a few days with DGM and DN and so I am a bit worried about this and need idea's to help me not lose the plot and get angry about it when I know this is going to happen

Can you speak to your DN's parents? Or is that too sensitive? Could you suggest that your DN is your really grown up helper and tell her what she can do to help and reward her for doing it? Nothing major - little comic, sweets or something?

Getting her parents on board would be best perhaps - not as a criticism just as a cry for help!!

My DS2 does the same with DS 1 who is older. I sympathise.

I'd be tempted to use the NT parenting methods just because I can! Tell her at the start next time that you'll be getting the two of them a treat later but if she winds him up etc she will miss hers (or possibly both miss them).

it's probably a bit sensitive...it's difficult to say anything without it being taken as critical or something and as the parents aren't going and it is DGM and us going...I don't want to say anything that could be taken negatively and cause any silliness.
My DN is sort of seen as the perfect child...her DF is very precious with her and about how brilliant she is...and she is a lovely young girl in lots of ways, a high achiever and quite mature in lots of ways...it's also why I think it bothers me as much too and makes me feel it is quite deliberate that she does it.
I like the idea of trying the quiet chat approach and ask her to be my helper as you suggest... though I have several times appealed to her sense of fairness and explained but it hasn't helped stop it continuing.

I'm feeling a bit annoyed just thinking about it....I'd hate to feel our wee holiday might be spoilt with this and my DM in the middle of upset...she doesn't cope well with situations and people getting upset...I'd end up feeling awful if my patience snapped

Has anyone ever really explained asd and adhd to her? Do you have any books you could give her to read on the journey (esp if she's so bright) to get her out of her own head a little perhaps.
Just out of interest re your mum, any chance she's on the spectrum? Just a thought.

hahahaha...never thought of my DM this way...think it's more age related though...she likes to believe we are all so very happy and the garden is always rosy.
The last time I was talking to my friend and her about a report I'd just received with regard to high school transition for DS....she started singing and lit a cig and walked out into the garden lol....she actively avoids RL it always seems....even a bit of road rage is too much to bear!...maybe she is and nobody has ever realised!!

Yes we have books I bought for my DS which are really good and it explain thing well...I might take a couple with us and show them to her. It has been explained and she's been around us enough in 12yrs to have an understanding but actually she has never directly asked me anything so maybe she needs the opportunity for this too...good idea silk...thanks

LOL it usually comes from somewhere. We have both grandads probably on the spectrum in our family!

This girl is NT yes? Then she can be talked to straight and polite.

Try showing her the books and having a chat. Tell her you would appreciate her support when you are all out together as things can get tough and stressful for your DS if he gets wound up. Play to her good side first.

Concentrate on just helping your DS keep calm. Give him maps, lists to check off, headphones with music of his choice to shut out the world around a bit might help.

If your DN starts playing up and laughing at him just be plain about it and say "is this support? or are you going to choose to continue to wind him up? If so go back to the car and wait or sit on that bench and wait till we have finished because it is all getting stressful right now thank you". she is old enough to be told and to be sent somewhere else to wait.

(hard person that i am LOL)

I really think that pointing it out once and removing her from the limelight to aggrivate may just make her remember its not such a good idea to do again. Expecially when your DS comes out with an ice cream or something and you make a thing of it that it was due to his GOOD behaviour.

Precious or not she still has to learn not to do it.

Hi coff33pot....yes she is a very bright grown up sort of young precocious little lady

I'll go the softly softly and tell her I expect her to be helpful and supportive, etc....if not I will try to be calm and maybe humiliate her slightly on her conduct and hope my message sticks.

if she goes too far...maybe I'll have to ground her and stop a treat or exclude her for little while to her room....she can be a bit smart mouthed for my liking so I'm not sure what reaction I may get... and thats where DG will get a bit fussed and upset...she won't like the upset so I'll have a child playing off 2 adults and DG will be all soft and squidgy and I'll be the wicked DA....

Get your mum to take her off the scene for a few minutes.

yes silk...I'll be trying to go off with my DS for some of the time....and I'll ask my DM to let us have some time just ourselves and hope she is happy to do this.

Family holidays can be fraught with 'stuff' can't they?....I'm just stressing about whether this was even a good idea and hoping it goes ok.....maybe I'm stressing too much really and shouldn't

I bet you'll get a few priceless moments of magic/peace/whichever you prefer at least. It's usually worth the hassle. Good luck.

Go shopping or out with them both now before the hols :)

Get it over and done with so she knows what to expect when the hols start.

had a chat with my mum today and made her aware that I wanted her support with this possible situation...she was very quiet for what seemed like an age...prompted her about understanding where I was coming from...she said 'Oh I wouldn't worry,...I'm sure she isn't laughing at him, they are both young and are bound to be silly...blah..blah
So had to go over it all and give her the possible scenario (which she has been party to many times)..step by step...and if have to deal with this and am feeling stressed...etc, etc...I am trying to avoid a scene and any upset etc

She finally could see my point and understood...I think ...she changed the subject to food shopping to take with us hahahahahah...typical!!

I'm looking forward to our holiday...taking the fishing gear and wellies...maybe young girls aren't so into doing this so it will just be the 2 of us...and the peace of a lovely river stretch.....aaaaaahhhhhh....the bliss