Advise please. ADHD/asd child aged 13.

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Any advice gratefully received. I have 13 year old dsd who lives with us full time. Her diagnosis is ADHD with ASD tendencies. I am at my wits end with her and soo tired and would like constructive advice from anyone with ideas please.

She is in the majority of ways around 8-9 in age in maturity, ability etc but 13 nearly 14 really and so I understand teenage hormones etc may be kicking in. I am growing increasingly concerned with comments she passes about me and don't know what to do to stop it. A few events recently....she sometimes has trouble washing her hair in the shower and doesn't get all the soap out plus has been known to just turn the shower on, pretend to have a shower and then just get dressed and come out the bathroom as if she has but with hair just vaguely damp from the few bits of water sprinkled on it! We have explained again and again about hygiene. As this was getting ridiculous I went in the bathroom but just sat and read my book whilst she had a shower behind the shower curtain. Didn't go in until she was in the shower and shouted she was ready and came out before she got dressed. Just checked her hair for her discreetly and thought I was helping out.

Then a few weeks later she was being really stupid about getting dressed and we were waiting to go out. I went to her room, asked her MANY times to get sorted which she wouldn't and so sat on her bed and demanded she get sorted. Then she started going on that I am weird cos I watched her in the shower and also getting dressed!! There is nothing weird in it and so innocent to me but she is a drama queen!! Her Dad says he cant supervise her cos he is a male and so we thought I was the better option but seems I can't do right for doing wrong!

Then this weekend we were away for the weekend and when it was time to come home all the children of the family were packing etc. She was sharing a room with my dd and when the room was sorted dsd had missing dirty underwear (she is known to stuff clothes etc in strange places and invariably dirty washing in a huge pile appears after alot of asking for it and explaining her washing pile is smaller than everyone elses so she must have it somewhere!!) Anyway I knew she must have dirty knickers etc somewhere and they weren't in the clean stuff we had packed to take home.

I asked her to check under the bed etc and she started yelling and screaming at me that I was calling her a liar and no-one believes anything she says etc etc. (She lies all the time and knows she does as well as we know she does) anyway she threw herself on the floor and dragged a blanket over her head whilst she carried on yelling. I pulled the blanket off, picked her up and put her between the two beds and asked her again to look under the beds. At this point she started yelling that I was trying to hurt her.

At this point her Dad came into the room (no doubt from hearing the commotion) and she stood up and yelled that I was hurting her and trying to kill her!!!! Her Dad then took over and dealt with her and I left the room.

The problem is I have done everything to support her now for 8+ years but I to be honest am sick to my back teeth of her. I really have tried everything and yet there are times I really wish I hadn?t bothered to get involved!

Her school and medical reports all say I have been a hugely positive influence in her life, given her stability etc etc but I feel now that she is dangerous and her mouth will one day get me in trouble when I have done nothing wrong.

So do I follow my natural (mothering) instincts and do what I think right or back off and let her do what she wants to protect myself??

Also all I get 90% of the time is dirty looks, scowls and attitude and I know my own children are as fed up of her as I am, I had hoped with time it would get easier but it seems to be getting harder. Last week we went to see Consultant for her regular check up and mentioned problems and she said it would be partly down to her age, hormones etc. I agree with this but we have already brought up teenagers and this is way different!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have huge issues with meals as she is tiny and has to be encouraged with every meal or she wouldn?t eat or drink. This too is very tiring but what do I do keep on with it as she is slowly putting on weight (mainly through my constant encouragement at every meal) or back off and just let her get on with it?? I feel like I am the ogre all the time (and know she prob does too) but what else can I do.

Her Dad does get involved but we both have all the children from both families living with us and he is "the dad" to them all and me "the mum" to them all and so most of the things I am talking about fall into my role if that makes sense??? Ideas?????

Visual timetable - so she knows on Tuesday sfternnon that if she hasn't brought down all her washing and kept her room tidy that that is the day you will go in and tidy it. Sit down and find out favourite foods -try and construct her menu around this. The timetable will also have times on to get up, get dressed, go to school - or whatever else on.

What a nightmare for you, I have been in a similar situation with my Dd1 she was nearly DXed with ADHD when she was 9 but the proffs changed their mind and blamed my parenting instead. I believe she has ASD/ADHD but she is 23 now so not much chance of a DX now.

She used to hide stuff, steal stuff and generally refuse to do anything that involved putting herself out or cooperating.

I dont think you should worry about the step parent part of the problem becasue you have already proved yourself to be a good influence in her life. I think you should carry on working together with her Dad as a team. She would have pushed the boundaries big time with you natural parent or not.

You are obviously doing a good job as you dont have this stuff from your other DC's, it is her condition that is making this all so much harder.

I agree with wassup, a visual timetable has completely changed our house, particularly on school days.

Having a child in the house with these issues is exhausting so I would recommend chossing your battles, if it really doesn't matter let it go and save your energy for the really important things.

My Dd3 has a dx of ASD, she is also a shower dodger, she usually has to be forced into the shower after at least half an hour of crying, moaning and rolling on the floor, once she is in she wont come out. [bangs head on wall]

Keep coming on here to vent!! You are never alone on here

Finally, be kind to yourself, you are a great mum otherwise you wouldnt care if she was dirty or underweight.

Good luck

wasuup3000 - Thanks for advice. I do use a visual chart at breakfast times for things that need doing before school ie Eat breakfast, brush teeth, put lunch in bag, brush hair etc and that works well so will try one with days of week for other needs. Not sure tidy your room by Tuesday etc would work as she will just leave it for me to do and wouldn't care less! Meals, I have tried to tune into her likes and dislikes but they change daily and even with things she likes meals are usually upto an hour and thats with encouragement. Not sure how much is genuine and how much attention seeking!

Ineedalife - Thanks for the encouraging message. I just feel like one step forward and two back all the time at the moment. She is just so tiring. I guess I just have to plod on if I want to be with her Dad. Seems such a slow path though and I just wish for "normal" like I had (but maybe didn't appreciate enough!!) before taking her on!! Then I feel guilty cos I know its not her fault.

My dd is 13 and dx AS with traits of ADHD/SPD/dyspraxia and profiles like PDA! Life is very tough with her. She is functionally about 6/7 years old and academically age 15! We have all the same issues you do. She is more mean to her step dad although he's been her dad from 9 months of age! He once told her off whilst chopping veg. He turned to tell her off with the knife in her hand. She was at the room door leading into the dining room and he was in the kitchen looking towards the dining room door (so not close)l she started screaming that he was trying to kill her with the knife! She will tell them things like this at school and it's not to be nasty, she genuinely believes it at that point in time. She avoids every demand so everything is a challenge. I try to remind myself that she doesn't mean it and always make her apologise but after she's calmed down. I have no advice hun, just wanted to let you know you're not alone xx

Thanks sazale, not just me then, feels a very lonely place sometimes.

How do school react when she comes out with her imaginative stories. It really worries me she will say in school and I will get a knock on door for something I haven't done! I do know the school very well but still feel scared that a 13 year old can make me feel like this.

I have barely spoken to her since the incident on Sunday as curently feeling the least I have to do with her the better but I know thats not the answer really. I am doing the needed neccesaries but thats all.

As for apologies thats what I feel she often owes me but they NEVER come voluntarily and if I do ever get one its cos she has been told to and then its only a go along with it cos she has to,not cos she means it. She is never in the wrong in her opinion and even if you try to explain why she is sometimes,I may aswell bang my head on a wall instead. I am just fed up of giving to her and supporting her for just aload of grief and sad feelings which at the end of the day is by a child that isn't even mine.

I know it is hard, my 13 year old with ASD will never apologise either and will always shout and say she hates me when she can't find something or has done something which is her fault not mine. You are not alone in that x

Thanks. I guess sometimes you forget its not just you and its good to sometimes come on here and realise that. x