AS and bereavement

[BiddyPop]

Just a quick question, and apologies for asking here rather than bereavement, but I thought you'd understand better here.

Both my grandmothers (aged 92 and 96) are suddenly failing fast. 92 yr old is just getting frailer and will probably just not wake up soon (she is not in any pain, but heart v weak and fading away in bed at home now). 96 yr old's 3 kids (i.e. my mum, aunt and uncle) are mtg consultant tomorrow to decide on treatment for her leg (i.e. amputate or not) - she is in pain with ulcers on both legs and wheelchair-bound in a hospital setting (but mostly long term and elderly patients, not acute, so a bit more human).

It could be days for either or both, it could take weeks or months yet. (But I would be surprised if either sees Christmas this year).

DD no longer visits them - she asked to stop visiting one (short term memory had gone so she'd put up with circular repeated conversations too often) and I have been going to see the other at lunchtimes from work more than other times that she could come with me recently.

But DD is also AS/ADHD. The thing that's relevant here is the asperger's and taking things literally.

Has anyone any ideas for helping her get to grips with these 2 ladies dying soon? And also the fact that there isn't a timetable for that (routine is very important to her and ambiguity on anything is very difficult to deal with)?

And help me to watch out for things that WON'T help in terms of language (eg. she's gone asleep forever - would freak out any kid anyway I know), I can't think of others specifically right now, but the sorts of things that people say around death/funerals that will just confuse or distress her.

Thanks for any help.

Hi BiddyPop,
I'm sorry to hear about your grandmothers. My own mum was very ill and I had to prepare my little boys for her death.

ds1 (AS/ADHD) was 4 at the time, ds2 (suspected atypical autism/AS) was 2.5, ds3 a little baby. especially with ds3 I prepared him for my mum's death with bereavement books for children. I found some really good ones, and ds1 and ds2 still get them out now to read and then to talk about their nana.

The books I used would be of no interest to you as they werent in English, but I have heard of this one and this one. they are supposed to be very good.

I have lost both my parents, DS (who has AS) was 6 when DF died and 13 when I lost DM.
We had some warning with DM but not DF, we made sure we avoided any euphemisms when discussing death and explained the funeral service thoroughly.
DS saw both of them after death and was able say goodbye. He was sad but matter of fact about it all.
Children often accept these things better than adults.

oh I just saw that my boys' favourite one has been translated into English. It's Farewell, Grandpa Elephant

This has just reminded me of a conversation I had earlier, in the supermarket, with a lady who'd just had a baby early. I was with both of my additional need kids.

DD: Mum almost had 3 children
DS: Yes she did, but one died in her stomach
DS: I'm glad it died or else I wouldn't be here

long uncomfortable pause

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. They just don't understand and were so matter of fact, the lady didn't know where to look!

Thank you all. DD is 6 now - and we were talking last night over dinner about the 2 Gran's being sick and me sometimes getting sad because they will die sometime soon - but that they are very old. We don't know when (certainty and routine are important to her) but we will have to do things like extra cooking and baking, and making beds because we might have visitors.

Also while having dinner, she was asking about my uncle (a priest) and the church he said mass in - we went through a few different masses that she's been at in different churches and for different occasions (it was a specific memory she was getting at). Which included when Grandad was in his coffin (removal service) in Grandad's parish church, and she mentioned the "other one for Grandad", which turned out to be his first anniversary mass in my uncle's own parish church at that time. So she does remember that.

I am a person who preferes facts and truth to euphamisms and sweeping under the carpet, so I think that probably suits DD's personality better. DH is heading overseas again on Sunday, so I think that isn't helping my though processes, as I try to have things organised and planned (contingencies etc) and also think of everyone else's needs (DD's, DH's, my wider family and farther extended family...).