I just can't get over feeling like a failure and don't think I ever will.

[LargeLatte]

It's just all come to a head now. I only have 2 dcs, both boys. Ds2 has had health problems since birth. Ds1 has always been demanding, challenging and tbh quite manipulative child. Both are struggling at school. Both have challenging behaviour (ds1) more so.

And now after Monday's sensory assessments. I just feel like utter crap. I should've given them healthier diets, not gone back to work when they we babies, done more craft a activities, played with them more.

If I had one well behaved child who was doing ok at school at least I could have some confidence that I had a clue what I was doing.

But they're both the same. So what if the problem is me? What if being looked after by me is making it worse? I still want to be with them every day but I wish someone else would take responsibility and tell me how to look after them because I just don't know anymore.

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I don't know the background. Do you think you have done your best? I'm sure you have. If you can see ways to make changes do it. If you feel like you need to make changes and need help ask for help. No one knows what they are doing when raising kids we only can do our best.

I just feel like I did my best but that is never going to be good enough so carrying on as I am is not really going to help them.

It's rare for a dc to have serious problems that are all due to poor parenting. And also rare for rubbish parents to blame themselves, so you're probably ok.

Luckily, it's even rarer to find a dc who's so perfectly parented already that every need is fully met and there's no more help their mum can give.

So, pat yourself on the back, make a list of the problems and get started by posting your ideas for getting started tomorrow on the quickest, easiest one.

what happened at this sensory assessements that made you feel this way?

Did they tell you that you should have stopped work? If so they were way out of line or are you just on a "blame yourself moment" which we all get from time to time.

I can hand on heart say I was "doing it wrong" for DS to start with as I was expecting him to be brought up the same as my other two and act appropriately, be sociable, and follow the instincts and learn from the others too.

NOT SO DS had issues I was unaware of at the time and presumed boys will be boys. So mum got it wrong to a degree but that doesnt "make" your child the way he/she is. All it means is you have a revamp and a rethink and research other strategies. It doesnt make you a bad mother in any sense of the word.

You are on here asking advice, you have seen proffs to try and sort concerns out and you are obviously caring enough to rather blame yourself.

I think we all go through the feeling of failure and feeling that we could have done better. And even knowing DS2's SNs, I still have days (fairly often) that I feel ill-equipped to deal with it. I have been told a number of times by the paed, the OT, the senco, etc, that we do so well with DS2, blah blah blah. But as I told the OT.. I don't feel that we're doing that well, I feel that we're mostly reactive instead of proactive sometimes. I wish I could be calm and relaxed and cope with it all without having huge stressful moments (after the boys are in bed) and having a good cry (or argument with DH) or whatever.

I do feel some of it is due to the whole "we are our own worst critics..."

I was told that some of my ds2's poor behaviour was due to inadequate parenting skills, my mental health, Dh shouting; I would have managed with 1 but not 3 with my current parenting style - that sort of thing . All in course of 20 min meeting I felt very bad. And angry, as the professional in question hadn't even met my child, and I had asked her for help dealing with tantrums.
Then after lots of tears, anger, I took a deep breath and said. Okay, I HAVE DONE A GOOD JOB RAISING DS2 SO FAR, perhaps he would be even worse if I hadn't given him all the love and care I have given him, and NOW, I AM GOING TO DO AN EVEN BETTER JOB parenting him. I swallowed my pride and tried to do some of the things the professional had suggested (ie: no shouting, raising my own confidence) whilst consigning some of her opinions to the dustbin.

I think the worse thing you can do as parent of SN child is to decide that you can't do ANYTHING, because problems are set in stone. They aren't and you can move forwards, whatever the problems. That is your decision, no one can tell you what to do, or tell you off for not doing it - the judgement of other people is not important. They can offer support and advice, but don't feel other people have the right to judge you.

This morning, ds2 has refused to go to school. He is obsessed by somethingon tv today, which we have told him he can't watch (it is school time) I know part of problem is that he stayed up too late watching the football, so that is my fault - spiralling obsession. But at same time, I'm not going to get upset about it. I'm waiting five minutes, and then he is going to school. Boundaries, calm, distraction. Wish me luck

zzz - ds2 has a twin sister too. With no ASD. It has shown school for example that ds's behaviour is due to SN not my parenting skills.

largelatte start listing all the things you like about your children. You did that, you made them that way, you created them out of nothing. It works two ways, if you are responsible for all the bad things about them, you are also responsible for all the lovely things about them.

I must get ds to school! Help!

It isn't you LargeLatte but I posted something very similar about this time last year. Lots of these conditions seem to be hereditary so maybe your genes made them this way but you can't make a child dyspraxic or have sensory issues. It is inbuilt in them. As Coff says, we can make changes to make things easier for them once we know what their difficulties are. My mum was a primary school teacher for 30 years and we still didn't even think that DS had any difficulties.

These assessments are always horrible as they tell us what is wrong and not what is right half the time. Do what the PP said and think about all the great things that they do.

Take care x

Thanks for your responses everyone.

coff33pot- the doctor at the assessment was brilliant and didn't imply that it was my fault. I was just so taken aback by how ds1 could not multi task at all, his eyes aren't working together - it was a long list and it surprised me as I only asked for his referal on a hunch because we have a lot of behavioural problems with him. Then ds2 had his assessment and has almost the exact same problems - so I am feeling really overwhelmed by how much work we have to do here.

Its because we have problems with both of them that I feel so down about it. At school ds1 rarely (if ever) speaks, and does not complete any work in maths, is doing OK in literacy. He tells me a lot that he is confused and doesn't understand what is going on. At home he is jekyll and hyde - wanting to do anything to please, playing happily with his brother, and then extremely violent the next.

Doctor said at the assessment they have almost identical sensory profiles,but that the problems are manifesting themselves differently in each child. That's why she said it may be something genetic, because their problems are so similar. I can buy into this to a certain extent. My cousin was a violent child, who went on to under achieve at school and eventually flatly refused to attend school once he was big enough to physically fight my Auntie. He has never explained why he hated school so much. He also had problems with getting his eyes to work together (ds1 and ds2 both have this), an extent of hypermobility, and low muscle tone (also ds2). He is a lovely young man now, but very limited work prospects because of lack of education.

Previous generation was two girls (my Mum and Auntie) and no obvious problems, generation before that, my Grandad's brother was 'retarded' (terminology of the day, and as much investigation as was ever done on the matter).

Sorry I am getting more and more rambly. I have got myself in such a state that I am simulatneously thinking:
a) Its both of them,I have messed it all up and should just walk away and leave them with their dad
b) Its genetic, I'm doing OK and should stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, and crack on with doing the exercises, getting help at school, sorting out some uderlying health problems.

But I am literally thinking both completing opposing view points at the same time. I really just want to get over this and get on with it because I know in reality I would never leave them - just don't seem to be able to.

The sensory stuff is not your fault. He is reacting to his environment, and triggers are probably setting off the violent swings. Or perhaps he just feels very frustrated when he can't do things. School should be helping him, really they should.
Once you know that, everything becomes much clearer, and you can deal with behaviour so much better. You can mitigate all the things that make his sensory world alarming overwhelming. For example you can make routines rather than sudden orders or commands, you can reduce over stimulation where you think it will lead to a breakdown in control, you can distract him from things that are upsetting him rather than confronting him.
You can also get him used to things he doesn't like by making them more comprehensible, giving them visual or concrete cues, so it is not just a sea of words.

Ds2 (10) is now making me a cup of coffee. This is his way of coming back to RL from a strop I still have to get him to school

In our family the ASD is genetic. It helps me, because I know how I don't want ds treated.

It is OK to feel like this. I also went to CPOC on a hunch and didn't think they would find anything wrong. I was gob-smacked and felt guilty that I had not noticed sooner. There is also a similar emotional response to bereavement - grieving for the loss of an imagined child/future.

What you are experiencing is likely to be a radical paradigm shift - a bit like looking at things through a different lens. However, difficult though it may be, a diagnosis gives you something to focus on and build around. CPOC do not diagnose a condition and so the shift is not clear, it is not from A to B but from A to not-A and this creates difficulties in understanding the past, present and future and a strong desire to return to the solidity of A.

Give yourself permisson to feel like this - it is unavoidabe and unpleasant and there will be days like this but it won't last forever. You may feel like you are going around in circles or vascillating wildly but you won't get stuck. There are lots of people here who have been where you are but with information and support have been able to take the steps necessary to build a good life for their DC, are confident that their parenting is good-enough and will freely give of their time, knowledge, experience etc to help you.

Don't worry about DC's initial performance in tests like tracking - I found that DS was not able to succeed at first but once we overcame that hurdle he made rapid progress. Another boy in his class also made rapid progress in the exercises despite having more severe problems.

Thanks for all your support.

Yesterday was especially difficult as we had an all day school trip which both ds's were on, as well as me, and it is those kind of situations when I can really see how they struggle when compared to their peers so I was feeling especially low.

Then, as seems to be the norm for us, I am getting let down by my family who are vocally very supportive, but when it comes to the crunch, not actually that helpful.

I know I will eventually get used to how things are and there's a whole heap of people who would rather have my problems than their own (although the list of problems seems to be growing a quite a rate).

All what is going on in your head is perfectly normal.

You have just sat through your childrens assessments listening to the struggles they have. You had this hunch because you are a good mum that trusts her instincts :)

It used to break my heart every time I had to fill in another diagnostic questionaire or another meeting listening and filling in the negative or receive a report in the post. It still hurt like hell when I got ds dxs but also at the same time because it was so final it was an imense relief. Suddenly the protective, proactive fighting mother comes out.

Families can be a pain in the * I am lucky as my side have been great my DH side...........dont exist as soon as dx arrived. Concentrate on your own family circle within your household and dont bother about the rest. Seek support elsewhere and then if your family see this and suddenly say "why didnt you ask me?" Just plainly say "oh great! can you help out next tues blah blah" if they dont offer then you are still covered :)

Try to sit back and look at the positives. You cant put all the positives down as this is not going to get you a true dx and help. But deep down you know your kids are amazing and just need a help up the ladder that is all.

The Out of Sync Child is a good book to buy for sensory issues too x

Thanks coff33 - that was a lovely post.

Their reports just came through the door from Monday which is good because I have copies to give the school so we can get cracking with IEP writing next week, and because report focusses on what needs doing now it is not so overwhelming - ie ds2 had a lot of ds1s problems and then some, so some assessments abandoned as too difficult - at the time this made me feel terrible, but now I have in black and white what we need to focus on first, I can put the what-might-come-next worries away in a box.

I'm going to cut the family some slack for a week or two - in fairness today is the anniversary of a bereavment, which coincided with a serious illness in the family so I am being exceptionally selfish expecting anything from them right now. I've been so caught up in my world that I haven't considered we aren't their #1 priority right now.

I've got the out of sync child and well balanced child - both excellent and well thumbed, but will revisit over the weekend.

We went on a parenting course last autumn, as part of what we were trying to do to help DD (base don an initial working DX of AS/ADHD). We couldn't do the specialised parenting course at the clinic (12 weeks of 1 morning or afternoon per week, and no evening options - both DH and I work FT, he travels a LOT overseas, and we also had a load of other apts for DD in the daytime that I had to cover a lot of due to DH's travel committments, although he did some). So we did a general parenting course which seemed reputable - where we heard all the things that we were already doing, nothing new to us at all, and on the 2nd last week of the course, the guy who developed it (and directly trained the girl giving it), wrote a newspaper article effectively saying that there was no such thing as AD, AS etc, that these are all down to ineffective parenting and not enough love for the kids.

You can imagine how much THAT helped on top of the lack of help we got on the course.

The clinic still won't run their course at nights. We are hoping to meet the school this week to set a plan in place (got Dx about 9/10 weeks ago, and Ed Psych report arrived on Friday so now we can all work out a plan).

I often still feel a failure, but in school, clinic, my own GP, specialist bookshop etc - I keep hearing that it's great we have got the Dx so young as that's the time when we can help most. And we DIDN'T learn anything new at the parenting course, because we WERE already doing everything she recommended. So I try to hang on to those when I am feeling low - and go read a bit more to see what different things I can do to help DD better - not that we've failed her but to help her better than when we didn't understand everything about her.

I really feel for you, OP.

I have days when I beat myself up for my DS's issues (diagnosis of Asperger's and possible PDA, violent at times and school is a complete failure so far ).
I can totally see how having two children with complex needs could make you feel a failure. it is so hard, sometimes, isnt it?

My situation is different. I have a NT DD who is pretty well behaved. I had PND after my DS was born, and feel that I wasnt a good, emotionally available mum for the first 2 yrs of his life. I felt much better after DD was born, and she is fine. Its hard not to 'do the maths' and come up with ME as the problem.

If you are in London, give me shout.

But postnatal (and other) depression is often triggered by knowing deep down that there's a big problem. Like subliminally noticing a baby who interacts differently, like having a husband who 'works late' when a new woman joins his team, like knowing the company is in dire straits even though the accountant tells you the books aren't that bad all things considered. The surface is ok, the reality isn't, you can't reconcile these but no-one sees a problem... Hey presto, depression.

Aargh at ignorant course man. Does he not know the basic point that everything has a nature and a nurture component? Even an undeniable genetic disorder like down syndrome will be somewhat modified by environment. And there are children with really extreme deprivation / abuse, who somehow emerge more or less unscathed.

LargeLatte you sound as if your head has started to come the right way round. And theres been excellent advice.
I wanted to chime in to say that I fell like this many many days before and after our diagnosis. Then I get to a point where I say 'it is what it is' and crack on with what has to be done.

UnlIike Biddypop I did a parenting course off my own bat which was with a wonderfully sympathetic play therapist. I did find it helpful. I also found 'How to talk so kids will listen' book really helpful with ASD DS as when he is anxious/overwhelmed he gets very angry with me or DD. But his blow-ups are much less since I started using this. It gave me great confidence too.

I would second HotheadPaisan's suggestion to google PDA because neither regular parenting nor ASD parenting works for that so if it rings any bells you can definitely let yourself off the hook!