I don't like the mother I have become lately :(

[lisad123]

I'm shouting too much, losing temper quickly and am soo tired all the time.
DD2 has gone to bed in tears because I yelled at her again.
I hate they way they talk to each other and the way dd1 talks to me (she tries hard and doesn't mean to be rude but she is).

Its only been the last few weeks as everything is very stressful BUT it cannot continue. I hate feeling so stressed and hate that I tell at them and the house is a tip
I don't know what anyone could say, but feel if I write it, I have to do something, and I will.

It's horrible isn't it, on top of it all you resent them for giving you these feelings. And then you start beating yourself up for that and it all chips away at your self esteem and you start to lose confidence in the things you do well.
Since we worked out my DS2 has Pathological Demand Avoidance we've been treating him differently - we've been less stressed and angry and consequently his behaviour has improved. Worth googling because even if your child doesn't have PDA, the methods might be helpful. It is quite different from normal ASD parenting, you just let go of an awful lot of things and keep a few basic rules.

((hugs)) lisad.
I officially diagnose you with a clear case of being a normal mum.

You shout, and get tired and your house is not where you want it to be. Give yourself a day off from your standards, recharge your batteries and then get back to normal. You know you can do it because you have before.

Hi lisa. Just wanted to lend my support. I feel exactly the same. DH has been away a lot for work lately, and I am struggling on my own with my two (Ds has AS, DD is NT).

I have so little energy when it comes to bedtimes that they almost always end in me shouting and threatening .

I have good days and bad, but the bad days leave you feeling so worn out and guilty, dont they?

I'm like that most of the time too. Shouting all the time, and seeing as we hardly see each other 4 days a week that's not great. I've muddled through for over 2yrs like this.

DS played up at bedtime and had a bit of a meltdown so went to bed without a story, very rare for him. I did go back in a few minutes later and gave him an extra cuddle though.

Hi lisadI used to get in to these negative spirals with Dd1, the more stressed I became the worse she got and so on.

I have felt myself slipping into it with Dd3 lately too. The trouble is when they question every single thing every single day it is exhausting.

It really isn't your parenting, it is damned hard work to stay on top of them every day.

I used to be frightened to let up with Dd1 because I knew she would go in for the kill if she suspected that I was not going to keep on top of her.

With Dd3 I am so much more laid back and have realised that hugging and smiling makes everyone feel better [well back hugs from Dd3]

I used a positive diary in the end with Dd1, we used to share nice things that had happened in our day before she went to bed. It really helped both of us to get up in a positive frame of mind if she went to bed in a positive state of mind.

Don't beat yourself up, be kind to yourself. Try going for a long walk occassionally to get rid of some stress, or whatever else floats your boat.

Good luck

oh dear, I didn't notice this was in SN. sorry! I was browing active convos!

Dont be sorry Meglet, good to know that NT kids (and mums of) have a tough time sometimes, too

TBH I do wonder if DS in particular might have some things we need to investigate, both the dc's are very hard work!

I stopped shouting years ago. I now speak very quietly (which means DS actually has to pay attention to hear what I'm saying).

My house is a tip and all my DSs have been spending ages on the computer, Wii and iPods. I feel guilty, but it's hard! I'm sure I should be doing more with them and MNing less, but as they've got older they don't want board games, they've never liked sport and they don't socialise. By the time I've done dinner and homework I don't have any energy left.

You are not alone, Lisad. And it's not just parents of DC with SN, either.

Thank you, I'm not normally the shorty horrible type of mother and I know it doesn't work, I have so many strategies to use that I know work!
We limit computer use and they still like board games and time together. They also know how to press each others buttons.
I think tomorrow will be a good day to sit and talk about house rules again, re look at pocket money jobs and praise power. I cannot stay like this, I know it's crappy for them.

Just do what I did - buy everyone in the house their own PC and permit unlimited time on them.

I don't think DS1 recognised DS2 after years of being in the same house but in different rooms.

My life was certainly quieter

(and I'm not joking)

Wet, I am severely tempted! I used to be so good at restricting their 'screen time' but it's all gone to pot this last year since dickhead left.

As tempting as that is, I couldn't do that.

Funnily enough, i have never restricted screen time for any of the Dd's but it is my NT Dd2 who will sit in front of a screen all day.

The 2 with asd busy themselves in many different ways. Not always good ways though

DS2 would be on the laptop, the wii, or his DS literally all day if we let him. I just don't think it's healthy for him. And I've noticed the more time he is on there, the more of a meltdown he has when he has to stop.

Have you tried iron supplements for the tiredness? It can really help if you're running yourself down.

Is dd1 9 Lisa? My dd is 9 and the attitude is just kicking in. I'm not good at accepting any rudeness and disrespect but have trained myself to just reply "speaking nicely please" which takes the wind out of her sails without being drawn into any sort of conflict about it.Thankfully the others provide good role models and when other dd 19 slips up occasionally because of PMT I do ensure that I pull her up sharply as an example to little dd that I don't tolerate it and I always grab the chance to point out how little dd speaks nicely at that point as positive reinforcement works better for dd 2.
It is hard I feel tired a lot of the time too and the relentlessness gets me down too. I really would like a day off occasionally. Maybe a trip to the GP for a chat and see if you need something to pick you up a bit.
I try and keep a happy medium with the screens, I'm sure they have more time than their peers but they don't have free reign.

Can I join the club, please?
We are awaiting a diagnosis for dd3 who is 5.
I feel tired, stressed and in a lot of pain with an ongoing back problem.
Let's cut ourselves some slack and tell ourselves we are doing the best job we can.

I think there are times when life (especially as parent /advocate/therapist/carer for sn children) when life is plain overwhelming and there is no energy left! We all know that parental time out is needed before our batteries go flat but it isn't always possible. Perhaps a few moments to reflect on what you have acheived will help reset things. Rudeness and disrespect really get to me too -much more so when I am exhausted and already feeling a little fedup.

Yes dd1 is 9
Today is better, been very careful not to snap back quickly and be calm. It's worked well, the girls are settled and calm too but could be tag teaming for later.
I get a few hours to myself when girls are at school and odd night so not unsupported.
I know people say I should cut slack BUT I also think that being real about my own behaviour needs to be done. The way I behaved this week is not a good example, is horrible for the children and not acceptable in any terms. It's my reasonability to act like an adult and lead by example. I understand the odd blow off but I am not becoming a mother that treats my kids like that in a daily basis!

I agree that it is your responsibility to set a good example lisad but you are human and no one gets it right all the time.

I am really glad you have had a better day today and hope that tomorrow is good too.

Good luck

Glad it's a bit better.

Lisad I too am glad things are better. You are right of course that you are the adult and its your responsibility to set a good example. But dont be too hard on yourself...you are setting a good example too when you get ratty, get over yourself, apologise and get on with it.
I find it goes in cycles TBH, where I get ratty and worn out for a little while, I adjust the settings, aplologise, change stuff if I need to and resume without fuss.