Nothing like a guilt trip from the school to make my morning complete...

[Triggles]

Just had another routinely chaotic morning - got DS2 to school after his RDA session (he goes in late once a week). Cornered by his class teacher about an event the whole school is attending in town next week. It's a track and field event with 3 other schools also attending at a local sports track (they're bussing the children up there).

First, if she said it once, she said it 8+ times "I just feel so badly that he misses out on these trips...all of the school is going and I feel so badly he'll miss it. It'll be so much fun." Really?? Fun??

Let's see... a 5yo with ASD, ADHD, DCD, hypermobility, comprehension problem, and major sensory problems.... going to a track and field event with 4 complete schools attending. There'll be crowds of people/children, noise (including starters guns for the races they'll be watching, cheering and screaming, loudspeakers), they'll be expected to sit and watch other people running, sit and watch other people doing a dance programme, sit and watch a results and awards programme, they'll have to sit in the stands (where he'll feel surrounded and hemmed in, surrounded by noise and people).....

Fun?!?!? It'll be a nightmare not only for him but for his TA. And when I explain that it contains all the elements of things which distress him... her response "But I just feel so badly that he'll miss it..." Does she think we ENJOY him missing out on experiences?? Does she think that we happily say "no, he can't go" just for our own amusement?? I just can't see putting him through it! He will be a basket case by the time it's done and it will take us days to calm him down to normal again.

And then, the final nail.... she says "If he can't go, we'll have to have his TA stay at the school with him and she'll miss it too. And because the whole school is going, another teacher or staff member will have to stay too for H&S reasons, as we can't leave just him and the TA alone at the school." Yup, thanks. Because I don't feel shitty enough having to say he can't go because it will only distress him, but now I get additional shitty guilt heaped on me because two staff members will have to miss it as well. (We won't even go into the details of me trying to explain to her that I couldn't bring him up there myself as I have a 2yo at home as well, who would be bored silly at such an event and I was not going to bring both DS2 and DS3 to this because DH is working at that time!)

So fine. After discussing it with DH, DS2 will not be going in to school that day. And I will be speaking to the SENCO about the approach of bombard and guilt trip over this. I am NOT happy. I've been steaming over this for 2 hours now.

Surely the admin staff will be in school so TA won't be 'alone'. DD spent a very happy morning in school with her TA while the rest of KS1 went to a similar sports morning. I suggested she wouldn't enjoy said event, school agreed and hey presto she did loads of lovely activities on interactive board and worked on her SALT in peace. I really can't understand why some schools make such heavy weather of every little change or adaptation. If a dc has individual support it should be easy to sort these things out!

It's really frustrating. He went to one trip (to a farm), and missed 2 other trips - one to a rounders game (again, issue with long walk involved to get there and then having to sit in one place for long period of time watching game, as he is unable to participate due to SNs), and one to the ruins of a castle (lots of walking on uneven ground as well as safety issues with lots of open dropoffs - he is a runner with no regard for safety, but also has difficulty with loads of walking).

I get why they sometimes think it's odd that a child that is a runner also has difficulty walking long distances (and sometimes short distances)... but to be fair, he doesn't usually have to run far to put himself in danger. Is it really that difficult to grasp??

I do think it's odd that she has so little understanding that because these things distress him, it will not be a "fun" activity for him.

I think you need to get in writing that he's been excluded, actually, and keep it in case you need evidence of how shit they are in the future. Their arrangements for his care on a school day are not your problem. That trip sounds like hell on earth!

Honestly, the school is generally really very good in not only dealing with him, but coordinating things for him. I'm truly puzzled why the teacher is taking this approach. Although tbh, I usually discuss these things with the TA, who generally agrees with me.

sigh...

Purple But he's not technically been excluded. The teacher insisted they are perfectly willing to take him - was very pushy about wanting him to attend actually - I just could not get her to understand that he would not enjoy the trip, but become very upset and distressed by it.

This is really crappy!

A) the teacher not being able to grasp how this day would affect your ds - it's not rocket science!
B) the guilt tripping
C) having the school's staffing issues put on you - that is not your concern

I wouldn't roll over and keep him off school - I would write to the school SENCO and ask for clarification. Stating that the trip is unsuitable, and that you would like reassurance that the school can accommodate him in the building that day. They would then have to say yes of course we can have him in school (and rightly so) or they would have to put in writing that they are excluding him from his education for the day.

The other tactic is to let them take him, then make them deal with the consequences? Drastic and shitty, but likely to work...

If you refused permission on religious grounds, they'd have to accommodate him. How is this different? They're failing to make reasonable provision for his health needs!

No, I definitely cannot let them take him. He'd never cope, and I just can't put him through that just to prove a point. Not fair on him at all.

The SENCO is off duty until Tuesday. I'll have to speak to her then. In the meantime, I will speak to the TA this afternoon and forewarn her that he is not going on the outing, so she is aware.

No, I SHOULDN'T have to take him out of school that day, they SHOULD be making reasonable provision. I will point that out.

Quote DDA at them - he's unable to attend due to a medically diagnosed condition. Therefore they need to make alternative arrangements. Would they take him if he were in a wheelchair? Visually impaired and unable to watch? Fatally allergic to a certain type of pollen in the area?

I am on your behalf. Had a similar issue with dd at her 'special' unit where due to sensory seeking issues she was eating mud from the school yard at break time. Played holy hell and class teacher suggestion was that maybe I could come and take her home at lunch. I did not dignify her suggestion with a response. It's their responsibility to sort it out. I agree that it would not be a good idea to send him but dont feel guilty about the TA. It's her job to look after your son not to abandon him to flit off to sports day.

I'm so for you. Clearly this type of event would not be good for your dc BUT did she really need to go on about how much fun etc it would be on the day - thats disgusting!!

I'd be tempted to insist he went and let them deal with the things you do on a daily basis. I really am speechless at this

The TA this afternoon said she'd be quite happy to take him, and if he got upset, just take him for a walk around the stands or something, but honestly... if they have to keep walking him around, how much is he getting out of it??

She did say that if the entire school went and he stayed behind, he would most likely be upset at being left behind. sigh... which is probably true.

I'm going to speak to the HT tomorrow. I will point out that their staffing issues are not my concern. I will probably keep him home based on the fact that he WOULD be upset if everyone else went and he didn't, however, I'm not offering that information to her until after I hear what she has to say about staffing and accommodating his needs.

do you think school want the TA there as extra pair of hands /cynic?

Not really sure. She's pretty much FT with DS2 so I don't think they ever really count her in numbers for that kind of thing. They were fully planning on DS2 coming along, and he is absolutely full-on, would literally not leave her with time to help with anything else, and they are well aware of that.

I pointed out that we are fine with the Olympic activity stuff next week, just not THAT activity, as it's not only distressing due to the activities involved, but there will be loads of unfamiliar people as well as it being in an unfamiliar place - just too much for him to deal with IMO.

Although we just got a text that they are all attending some Olympic activity tomorrow that I know nothing about. argh. ... don't they STUDY and do stuff in the classroom anymore?!??!

I think that was a horrible, manipulative, passive agressive thing to do to you OP but don't listen to her for a minute. I've worked in 3 schools so far (1 mainstream primary, 1 MS secondary and currently a special secondary) and the staff at every school have clambered over themselves to come up with excuses to miss sodding sports day!! If your son doesn't go (which he shouldn't but I also wouldn't keep him at home...) someone will be thrilled to stay at school with him I'm sure. Sports day is soooo boring for the staff!!