sob

[Jimjams]

Ds2 is 2 in January- and stil not talking. Anyway I have been doing my own little language assessment in him - and he is fine. In fact he is bloody amazing, he understands, my, yours, his, me, and on, under etc. He is now streets ahead of ds1. Ds1's language has been stuck at 12-18 months level since he was 12 months! (Which kind of makes sense as he got ill at 11 months and I think that was when he was pushed over iyswim). He understands more set phrases than he used to - but his understanding of raw language hasn't come on at all. He doesn't understand my your etc. He still hasn't really got the ideo of "on" although we've been doing it for months. Pleased though I am for ds2 I feel bloody depressed for ds1.

it must be so hard for mums like you jumjams who have other children - for me the closest to feeling like that is when my friend's daughter visits or I hear my niece on the phone - but it is not like having it there every day - each milestone for ds2 must be even more poignant for you as it reminds you where ds1 is at.

I know you are proud of ds1 because each little achievement for him is so hard won ..... and he has achieved even more through your determination and input.

don't know what else to say .....

I know that nothing I can say can make any difference so I won't try. Hugs anyway.

Oh Jimjams. It's awful when the differences between your own child and other children grow more obvious. It feels a thousand times worse when you see the differences between your own child and their younger sibling. At 10mths ds2 does more than ds1 did at 2yrs 10mths. Apart from already having a few words, he(ds2) waves and yesterday he actually pointed at something he wanted!!! I felt like jumping up and down with joy, but saw ds1 and felt like having a good cry. I cheered myself up a bit by thinking about the truly amazing progress ds1 has made over the past 6 months. I know your situation (like everyone else's here) is different to my own but I just wanted you to know that I understand that "happy for one child, feel bad for the other feeling". Lots and lots of sympathy and hugs xxx

sorry just read my post - i really must preview - jimjams.... did not mean to call you jumjams....

Sympathy too Jimjams. I found that, at first, I felt awful all the time. Then I started to come to terms and after a while I was really quite sorted and used to "planet autism" but every now and then something happened to make me feel like sh#t, like a kick in the stomach. It was often related to being with other kids (often ASD too) or being in a mixed group. Unfortunately I suppose its unavoidable and quite understandable that you feel awful. When you're down though you just know that you're going to get back up, its just so awful at the time. Can't say any more than big hugs and chin up!

Thanks. I am pleased that there's almost 3 years between ds1 and ds2- seeing other kids the same age as ds1 is the biggest stomach boot iykwim. I am pleased for ds2, but just feel sad that it's so easy for him and so difficult for ds1. Also it kind of gets to me that ds1 is really keen to please- really wants to do well and be a "good boy". Ds2 doesn't give a stuff - and yet its ds1 who is so much harder work and who I get exasperated with in a "will you just leave that washing machine alone and come and do some painting, you don't have to watch it finish" type of way. And yet of course he does have to watch it finish. In fact I am so fed up with the washing machine I am going to avoid washing when ds1 is around. Can't get any sense out of him while its on.

Jimjams - people have so much admiration for you on mumsnet.
You are always there to offer brilliantly genuine and supportive advice to all of us. You are so knowledgable in really important areas of parenting and are always ready to share your experiences with us to help us with our problems..
Your ds1 has real difficulties but you are still there to support us with what must seem like trivial problems sometimes!! You seem to be doing the most amazing job to ensure that he gets everything that he needs. You are brilliant and inspirational.
You must also remember that you too are entitled to a rant every once in a while......you deserve it more than most!!!
Take care...
By the way...you could always do your washing at my house....if you want to put my stuff in there aswell....
Pops x

jimjams, much sympathy, know how you feel. I think it's a bit easier for us as dd1 is NT and dd2 is SN, so there's never a situation where dd2 is catching up and overtaking dd1. It's a bit depressing at the moment because dd1 is finally beginning to realise that there's something "different" about dd2 and keeps telling me she doesn't like her "behaviour" She was teasing her yesterday and I think dd2 sort of picked up on it and went quiet and subdued. All fun and games isn't it?

Hugs Jimjams {{{}}}.

I worry a bit about ds2 as well mary. I know that sometimes he does something - like - day count (he seems to have got the idea of quantity as well) and rather than encouraging him I can be a bit "uh oh no thanks stop that right now"

Oh Caroline I dread that day - I know it will come though

jimjams - I was at a friend's house a few weeks back and she has an autistic daughter who is 6.5 who is just starting to speak. She hardly said anything at all before then. Her mum says reading has really helped her to speak because she can 'see' the language and it helps to set it in her mind. So don't lose heart. Hope you feel better soon.

I was nearly sobbing yesterday in Somerfield. We'd just been to see Santa arrive by boat (rather bizarrely) and ds got a helium filled balloon. He managed to hold onto it all the way back to the car and then wanted to take it into the shop. As soon as we got in he let it go by mistake and it floated up to the very high roof and was screaming and sobbing and wanted it back down. The other customers were really sympathetic and one got the manager but he said he'd not be able to get it till the shop was closed. Fortunatley it floated away and ds did calm down a bit thinking it had gone and I told him that Santa would get it and bring it back at Christmas. I even bought some balloons in the shop and blew one up and he seemed happy enough. At the checked out dd grabbed some chocolate Santas and started eating them and the customer behind paid for them. I was quite traumatised by the end of the trip but pleased that so many people had been so supportive.

Anyone know where to buy a helium filled balloon at chrimtmas eve?

Jimjams - sorry to hear this, I suppose it's unlikely to get any easier for a while, but maybe something to look forward to is when your ds2 will be able to recognize the differences in his brother but love him and stick up for him fiercely too?
Do I get the feeling that I'm not the only one round here who would like Christmas just to be cancelled? We had the school fair yesterday, and it was an absolute nightmare. Ds1 screamed about just about everything - too many people, too many queues, not the right sort of lucky dip, not enough hair to get it braided like his sister (!), all in close proximity to all these crowds of other parents and their perfect little children. Dh thinks I'm far too sensitive about other peoples' 'looks', but I still find situations like this dreadful. Why don't I learn, and just stop going?
And the deputy head head cornered me 'just to have a quick word' Apparently some other Mum is on the warpath, not only about Piers, but also about our nanny, who is accused of not supervising him properly in the playground after school. I know who the woman is, and have been got at by her before, but still I'm not looking forward to taking the children to school tomorrow.. She's got a cheek too - she 'supervises' her little darling from inside her car on the other side of the road!
Sorry to hijack the thread Jimjams, but felt like a good sob too - I've been fretting about this all weekend, and it's been a long one as dh is away in London I moan that he doesn't do enough, but by God I miss him when he's not here!
On a brighter note, I took them to the Museum of Flight today - hours and hours sitting in a cockpit fiddling with real controls - ds1's Santa list now includes a cockpit, as well as 'a ship's steering wheel (with carving and varnished), and ... a stress ball'! (Not my idea, but he must have heard of them somewhere!)

Hi jimjams - gosh, people say it gets easier don't they - BUT when??? My DS2 turned 1 yesterday - already, he is a very capable wee boy (sometimes more capable than DS1) I know how you feel, I get quite down myself with the huge difference between my two boys. Like others have said, you are a huge inspiration to all of us - you have a wealth of knowledge which you so freely share with us all, I honestly admire you and your superior parenting skills - you hang in there jimjams and let it all out to us (others on mumsnet) -
Over here in NZ - I am so glad to be part of MUMSNET!!

aww thanks everyone.

Jmb your school fair story made me smile. I thought about going to ours - for about 5 minutes- then thought no way. GLad I didn't now.

SOrry to hear about other mum- she sounds vile. Poke her in the eyes for me Whenever I meet people like that I always feel like being all sickly sweet and inviting them back to my house for coffee. Then I imagine watching them squirm- whist the chaos that is normal life breaks out around them. "I'm sorry? Oh no he won't hurt himself he's just upset because the washing machine has stopped going round- what was that- oh another poo on the floor is there-never mind I'll just clear it up- oh osrry on your coat is it? Well really you shouldn't leave it hanging over the bannisters you know- it spoils the architectural line of the stairs". Hee hee- I'd never do it, but I have my fantasy- a DLA day for those people (even better and if it wasn't unsafe I would ask them to pop to Somerfield for a pint of milk with ds1 in tow). I have the advantage that I can get rid of anyone I like by saying "I'm sorry what time did you say you had to go?" becuase as soon as ds1 thinks someone is going they are picked out and shoved out of the door which is slammed behind them.

Think of a fantasy where you ram your life into her perfect little world, then poke her in the eyes

I want to say what Popsycal said so well!

You are a triumph, Jimjams!

Hi JimJams - I think Pops speaks for most of us - lots of love - Thomcat xx

Jimjams, I've just had a Christmas card from friens who have 3 ASD boys, 2 high end autism, and oneAspergers. The eldest has just left year 2, with no major problems and the younget 2 are repeting nursery. One of the younger two had no language at all 13 months ago, and could only grunt. He now has enough language to carry out small converstations. His mother is so pleased with them all, and can't believe how much easier it is to cope now that all 3 are now verbal.

It must be so rough for you Jimjams, and all credit to you for working the amazing things that you do for your ds. But as you have said before ASD kids have amazing and wierd learning curves. My firends son went from non verbal, to conversations in 13 months at the age of 6.

Big hugs to you both. Hope I haven't come across as a Pollyanna!

Thanks hmb I love hearing stories like that. My friend met someone at a conference who had no speech until he was 14!!! Yet when she met him he was a bit AS but was perfectly able to sit in a bar drinking beer having a perfectly normal social time!

I have Temple Grandins book ordered. I've never read it, but I think she sounds very like ds1- he is so so so visual. Hoping it will give me a bit more insight into his mind.

Eulalia- I think you are right about reading. Ds1 is really being helped by PECS. His SALT reckons its the way to teach him language and it really seems to be working. He's saying "I want" whatever all the time now- and even adding it onto things he hasn't seen first with PECS. He's chatting away to himself more as well.

sorry I havent replied earlier jimjams but have had a hectic few days. Just to say I know exactly how you feel. My ds is talking loads more than dd now and seems to understand just a much. Sometimes it does make me sad and other times it doesnt bother me. I think it is hard when its your first child that is having the problems.

Sorry this isnt much help, but to let you know I am thinking of you. You most probably feel a bit better now for getting it out of your system!

Pollyanna, I mean hmb, its lovely to hear stories like that. Especially for someone with more than one ASD child which must be very hard. I'm not under the illusion that my son will speak and I accept that but you never know and must never give up. Jimjams, I've seen Temple Grandin speak a couple of times. She's very interesting. After one talk I queued up to get her to sign a book and, like everyone else, tried to make eye contact and exchange a few words when my turn came but she just looked into the distance and didn't notice everyone's interest in her! I don't think she's been over here for a while but definitely go and see her if she does come back. She's also very clear that she's HFA and not AS. Personally I think she's much more interesting than Donna Williams, Wendy Lawson or Ros Blackburn although, to be fair, I haven't seen them. Hate Donna Williams' first book though and couldn't read the others!

The family have managed to help the boys just as you all have by putting in vast amounts of work. In the end the system that worked best for them was for the boys to be in a NT nursery, but each of the boys had a 1 on 1 helper at all times. All of the boys had very poor language skills but have improved a huge amount.

They are a wonderful and intersting family. The dad would almost certainly be dx's as ASD these days. His mum took him to the doc and was told to take him away and love him more Still, can't imagine a better dad for 3 ASD kids.

Jimjams, I found this site while researching something else and thought you might find it interesting and maybe helpful. Some of the children sound a lot like your ds. It's www.apraxia-kids.org - a US site all about childhood verbal dyspraxia with lots of helpful info, I thought.

Thanks aloha- you're right its a great site. In desperation I contacted the SALT who is mentioned on there a lot (nancy kaufman) and she was very helpful. Thanks for thinking of me I'm touched.