Sensitive one. 13 yr old boy and, erm, how to put it, 'physical activities'

[HecateTrivia]

My just turned 13 yr old autistic son has started 'going to the toilet' a lot, and 'going for a rest'. I am fairly convinced that these are euphemisms (iyswim) and am being very careful to not go into his bedroom without knocking and to stay away from the bathroom. However, it is currently at a few times a day.

While I am pleased that he has clearly grasped the need to be private, I am concerned by the frequency of his 'rests' and also, do I - well, my husband, he'd die a thousand deaths if I tried to talk to him - need to have a chat or do you not talk about such things, given he is clearly behaving appropriately with regard to being private.

I am deeply uncomfortable with the whole thing, I'm his mum but I feel that there's probably something we are expected to do or say, I just don't know what it is.

I have talked to him about sex and where babies come from, and feelings and privacy and how you never touch someone unless they want to be touched etc and I think he would rather jump off a cliff than ever have another such conversation with me

How have you/do you/will you handle this? I would ideally like to stick my fingers in my ears, go lalalalalala and ignore the whole thing, but that is probably not an option.

I have 3 boys, AS(19), ADHD(13) and ASD(6). I would just leave him to it, it is more than likely a novelty at the moment. He will talk when he wants to. You have had 'the talk' with him, no need for more unless he wants to. Also a lot of the privacy thing is age, ds2 is now 13 and we hardly ever see him

I think leave him be! Like you said he's being private and discreet which is all you could ask of any teen! And tbh what would you even say?!

Same here, I have a 13 yo with ASD. I had chats with him a few years ago about the basics of making babies and what puberty would be like, but now he's actually reached that stage he definitely doesn't want to talk to me about it!

I have got him the book 'Making Sense of Sex' which is brilliant for those with AS/HFA (written by Tony Attwood's wife), though it's a bit wordy so not suitable for all. I know there's a lot of work being done in school about it (specialist AS school so PSHCE is pitched appropriately to their understanding). This subject must be covered in school though, even if he's in mainstream?

For us, as long as DS is being private about things I have left him to it. As others have said, there is not much you can say and it's part of his development.

my ds (14) has started ordering me out of his bedroom and making sure that he shuts his door properly at bedtime...dh mentioned that he would be wanting to go on his ipod, but I don't think it's what he has in mind!

I thought this was going to be how he'd whipped it out for one in the school canteen (yes i have known this happen) :o

He's doing all the right things by not referring it to it directly and going somewhere private, so as long as he's cleaning up after and isn't physically hurting himself there's not a lot more to do.

Congratulations, he's acting in a socially appropriate way!

yes, I have been summoned into the bathroom to see that it's suddenly and inexplicably trebled in size! That's when we knew we had to have several Talks

Thanks for the input. Leaving it well alone is the way to go. i am pleased that he is understanding what is private.

I'll have a look at that book, too.

I'm so sorry to barge in on this thread but my ds (9), who is being assessed for 'something' but lots of traits of some ASD and he has constantly got his hands on his thing! A lot of the time it sticks up too. I'm sure he thinks it's a comfort toy! But it's so embarrassing and no matter how many times I tell him he needs to do this in private, he really can't help himself. I just don't know what to do?!

Not barging in at all! First of all, it's totally normal for them to be faffing about with it it's teaching them time and place that's the thing. And that's difficult when they're on the spectrum.

I appear to have possibly more or less cracked it by accident lots of talking and stories about privacy and your body and appropriate touching and other people's rights and feelings and your rights and feelings. And mostly I think he wants to be private. So it's coming from him more than it's anything I've done, if that makes sense.

But not every child is going to be able to understand. My youngest can't - also autistic and the more severely affected of the two. It's distraction and removal for him. As with all things with him it's just constantly stopping him behaving inappropriately over and over and over again, because you can get him to stop there and then, but it won't stop him 5 minutes later, iyswim.

removal of hands from pants, not removal of equipment

I just find myself giving the same instructions over and over and over again, and accept that I'm going to be doing it all again tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that, and keep everything crossed that one day, it will click for him, you know?