Advice for talking to a friend about her child

[Allyinoz]

I am a Special Needs trained teacher. My friend has a young DD 3.5 years old. For sometime now I have noticed that she displays quite significant ASD symptoms. However I acknowledge that I am not trained to diagnose and I could be wrong. I think however she might have been flying under the radar as she is not an obvious case.

Very recently her mum has become worried and asked her best mate, another mutual friend, what she thought, who in turn asked me. She has also seen a paed who has told the mum not to worry and come back in another 6-8 months. I personally think this is bad advice, I know that he only saw her once so it is hard to make a judgement.

I think it would be in her interests to get early intervention, early! not when she is 4/5. Also she is eligible for a government package which could help and on top of this there are long waiting lists to get diagnosed.

Should I broach the subject with the mum, I know her well and get on well? How best to do this if so? I know it is a tricky one.

I would say leave it and wait until your friend asks for advice. When ds was 3 and incredibly challenging a friend said to me 'you need professional help with him'. I was devastated, grabbed our stuff and left, driving 3 hours home in tears. It wasn't until 6 months later and his Pre school teacher's intervention that I was ready to accept there was a problem. It is incredibly difficult to accept your child is different and it sounds as if your friend is already on route to this conclusion. Your professional advice will be really useful when she is ready.

i would also leave it. I knew about dd's problems long before I was ready to face the world with them and get a diagnosis. I wouldn't have thanked anyone who forced the issue tbh. If your friend brings it up then fine but otherwise I would wait. This comes up quite often on here and there are some people who say they would much rather have been told but I think shopping bags reaction would be more common.

I think this is a very difficult situation. As shopping and cansu have said she may take offence if you say anything, however it does sound as if she is aware of a problem and has been seeking advice. (if she has seen a paed and asked a mutual friend).

I knew there was something wrong with ds1 but friends and professionals alike couldn't see it. I was told "boys will be boys" or "all boys are like that" or "he's frustrated because he's so clever". [sceptical] I was sure there was a problem but was made to feel that the issue was mine. After he was diagnosed "everyone" had always known there were problems and one friend wrote a very comprehensive letter, to support my DLA claim, outlining exactly what he was like. The letter alone could probably have got me an earlier diagnosis.

I think you may need to tread very carefully. Could you get your mutual friend to say that she mentioned it to you and ask if she would like to talk to you.

I usually think its better to say something, but if she's been told to come back in 6 months you talking to her won't get an appointment any quicker than that.

If it comes up naturally then tell her what you think, but other than that there's really no point.

If she has initiated things herself and asked your friend as well as a paed, I'd say she was already facing up to it tbh. Unfortunately you are righ about the paed advice denying the parent access to early intervention which coukd be successful (although a bit confused about her entitlement to a government package - are you in the UK?)

I presume she knows your line of work?

Coukd the mutual friend suggest that she asks you for your opinion? Or is there a reason she hasn't already?

I would have preferred if someone had (tactfully) agreed that my concerns had a foundation, rather than the brush offs from family 'oh he's fine, boys are like that, he'll grow out of it'. Very much a treading on ice situation though as I would equally have got very annoyed with an unqualified 'diagnosis'. Despite all my worries I did not want to hear ASD.
She sounds as if she is testing the waters though...presume she knows that you work in the field though so I think its significant that she hasnt asked for your advice but has gone to another friend.
I think I would be telling the mutual friend that she suggests to mum to ask you directly and that sooner is better in intervention.

Since the mum has been sufficiently concerned to get her child in the medical system already, I think the usual advice of steering well clear in these situations is a bit overly cautious. Can you trust mutual friend mum to filter back your views appropriately? When I was in a similar position with a friend of a friend consulting me, I didn't know the parent or child in question so there was no way I could have spoken directly.

I think it's important to stress to the mum that early intervention would be play/speech therapy based so would not harm a non-ASD child in the slightest, there's nothing medical or invasive involved.

Thanks all, I know it is sensitive and I do not know how she will react. She is a private person and the mutual friend is her long time best friend, who she has known longer than me. I actually think she may have been trying to talk to me for a while now but missed the opportunity. I might see if an opportunity comes along and see if she broaches the subject.

I am in Australia. Getting in earlier could mean up to a year more of intervention. I think though she has to be really to accept it, I don't want to be the one that spoke too soon. I will tread carefully.

I personally would love it of a friend, or otherwise tactfully approached me and said that they could see some concerns that I had. You know the type of friendship you have and if she's had concerns herself then I'd of thought shed appreciate someone 'on her side'

Could you not try to start the conversation and gradually talk about her dc?

Good luck!

Yep, another vote for say something tactfully.

Friend who is OT told me after dx that she had 'clocked' ds at 24m, but I thought I was just a rubbish mum as everyone unqualified said 'he's just a boy'

If you could just get the message to her, maybe via the other friend, that if she feels there is something that needs attention she doesn't have to take no for an answer from the paed, that could be a big step. People often don't realise they have a choice or that they have to fight or that their instincts might be more accurate than a paed's brief first impressions.

hi new here but ive started a thread about my DD. I have buried my head in the sand as such about my DD for the last 12 months.
My dad passed away in march so ive started seeing more of some of my family then i used to. My cousin works with children with special needs an noticed that something wasnt right with my DD, an she told me.
It was crushing to hear someone else say it but i am gratefull for it as it has given me the kick up the backside to get something done.
An i suppose its about my DD an not my feelings