One ds with ASD - dare we have another child?

[Chelseagirl72]

I know there's no 'right or wrong' answer to this one but I would really welcome some thoughts. I'm sending myself mad with this going round and round my head.
We have one ds 2.8 years and currently going through the process of dx for asd.

DH and I are knocking on a bit (very late 30's) so if we are going to go for another child we need to crack on. I'm so scared though - what happens if we have another child with ASD? Of course I would love them regardless but I worry about how I'd cope - I can barely cope with one.

I worry that if we had another child, how ds would deal with it - he has huge issues around interacting with other kids, the sound of a baby crying sends him into meltdown. But then I've also heard that kids with ASD can benefit from having siblings - like all kids can.

Also how would I feel if another child didn't have ASD - would I be constantly comparing? Would it be too much for that child to cope with - having a sibling who requires support when I've long gone?

Obviously there's no genetic test for ASD so I know I'd be worried throughout my whole pregnancy and until the child was at least two - constantly looking out for asd 'signs'.

I know that several of you on here have more than one child with ASD/ complex needs and I apologise if my post comes across as insensitive.

I also know that I tend to worry about things too much!

I have 4, 3 with extra needs/difficulties and They are not their diagnosis, yes some days are harder than others and we generally can ignore the stares of the general publc when out and about with ease. The one without difficulties has grown into the most caring, lovable and wonderful sibling and we work as a family which maybe a bit quirky to the outside world. It is hard with the first but after that you know the system re statementing/professionals that another poster mentioned and know what you need to do and what you can and can't cope with in that respect. I know that my family is complete I have tried taking 5 children/ or more out and about either with or without difficulties and I know that technically speaking that I can only manage 4 whatever needs they do or don't have. I had my 4 before any diagnosis was made and we manage fine but you have to consider what you can and can't cope with and what your needs are as well. Everyone is different and sometimes whatever anyone else says you just need to go with your gut instinct.

Thank you all for taking the time to share your stories and advice: especially you, Star - who I understand has far more pressing things going on at the moment!

I think you're absolutely right that as we're still on the road to a formal dx for ds then it all feels so overwhelming at the moment. If I had time on my side I wouldn't even be considering another child for a long while. It took us 18 months to get pg with ds though so I know we need to make a decision to start trying sooner rather than later.

Of course that assumes that dh and I will ever find the time or the energy!

If you do go for it, maybe enrol here: Baby siblings research

It's good fun and makes up for a lot of the nonsense you get from the LEA, rather refreshingly they treat the mother as an honoured colleague.

Ds1 has AS.
Ds2 does not.
Ds2 has been the making of ds1. They adore eachother. And I think ds1 was alot more lonely until he had ds2. Ds2 worships ds1. Actually they worship eachother.
Not every ASD child, necessarily has an ASD sibling.
We are proof of that , NOT happening.

My DS1 is NT, just geeky, DS2 has ASD, DS3 is 'quirky' but he has so many traits I know he's on the spectrum somewhere. Three was hard work for me, especially as DS2 was a really challenging 'toddler' until he was 6 or 7 so it was hard to manage a lively toddler and a SN 'toddler' as well as a slightly older one. But I have no regrets. DS2 and 3 have a love/hate relationship, but only DS3 will listen and actually be interested in DS2's obsessions.

If DS3 had been severely autistic I may well have regretted things, though. My ex and I were 34 having DS2, 37 having DS3 so no spring chickens, but DS3 will probably never get or need a DX. Can't say I envy your decision. I was pregnant with DS3 before I accepted that DS2 had a problem and had no idea about genetic chances. There's a BBC news article somewhere, I'll search for you.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14507532

We have one ds who is awaiting diagnosis of ASD / ADD or both. He is 6. Our DD is nearly 3. When we decided to have her we didn't know about DS's ASD.

DD has helped DS in so many ways. She helps him to share, understand friendships etc. She is also our little light and has helped us to realise that it is not our fault and we are not bad parents. (We felt DS's difficulties were somehow due to our parenting). It is also lovely to see DD develop and the little things that we may have missed out on with DS.

We are hoping that they will be friends as adults and this may be an extra source of support for DS as well as us.

When DD was born, DS was fine and wanted to be fully involved. They argue but then I think this is probably quite normal. I would go for it. There is the risk but then there is with the first one. We are now considering a third - but obviously have the same concerns as you.

I did consider that we may have more special needs, possibly worse, when thinking of having another child and took the risk. We had 18m of lovely calm baby (my prize! my reward!) and then he became much harder work and at 3.5 we worked out he has PDA which is actually harder work than our DS1's Aspergers and requires a whole new set of parenting skills. But our experience means helps us deal with it, we know we have done our best and now we know how to handle him much better and have (hard-earned) confidence to say 'thank goodness he came to us'. We indulged in some self-pity for the déja vu and are moving onwards and upwards.
This sounds really smug and saintly etc and I'm not, I really do worry I might hurt him one day but I try to put a positive spin on things. Like the reason for it all might be to spread a little understanding in our community , remove a little ignorance from the world etc, just by raising our kids we are making the world a better place.

Oh and in terms of prevention, I did everything differently - breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, fish oils. ASD is mostly genetic and on both sides of our family so the fact we only have 2 out of 3 SN kids is a pretty good result in my book.