Guilty

[Eliza22]

Im eleven years on from having my oly child. A beautiful boy who has HF asd and now, OCD.
My guilt comes from the circumstances of the birth and his dx of asd. Throughout my pregnancy, I had high blood pressure and was medicated by a cardiologist for that. In the final 8 weeks of pregnancy, I had a weekly scan cause they said I had very little amniotic fluid, but all else was fine.

I was induced, 2 days after the due date but that very morning, I started with contractions and "wet myself". The midwife wouldn't believe me when I said, my waters had already broken and that there wasn't that much of it. She just poo pooed me and said that had my waters gone, it would have been a flood! I asked her to inform my husband at midday and ask him to come to the delivery suite but she said "inductions a lengthy process, get up and go for a shower". So, I went for a shower and collapsed, and then all hell broke loose. They said I was "suddenly" 8 cm dilated. There was no time for pain relief, gas and air, nothing. Dh arrived just in time and I heardmthem send out a "baby in distress" call over the room's intercom. Twice.

Ds arrived. Beautiful. But, he was different, right from the start.

I wonder, years later. Was that the cause?
The day after he was born, whilst I was on the ward, two midwives, an administrator and the "patient services" woman came to see me, to see " how I and baby were". I was angry. My baby's arrival I to this world was a utter shambles.

God.... IPad drives me nuts. Sorry for grammar and typos ! Hope you can get the gyst

I'm a mw and mother of dd who is 14 with AS.

Honest opinion is no. Your birth experience wasn't as good as it could have been but i don't think it had anything to do with the autism.

I dont know if we will ever have answers to this. Our DS2 has HFA and will be 5 this summer. I had a very similar labour with both my boys-DS1 is NT. Both were very slow labours, irregular contractions, waters went just before they were born; both got stuck, both normal births if difficult. I dont think DS2 is ASD because of the birth, i do think it was something that happened in his brain development in the womb, but i dont know what. I was poorly with a bad chest infection but i looked after myself, am healhy. It is so hard and i do think it must be something i did wrong but i dont know if we will ever get answers. Dont feel guilty, you will drive yourself crazy looking for answers.

So sorry that your bith expereance was not great. I have 2 dd's with ASD, dd1's birth was very stressful, i was pushing for 8 hours, baby started to get destressed (as did i) but midwife refused c-section, eventually dd was born but i often wonder if something that happened triggered her ASD. 2 years later i gave birth to dd2, it was the perfect birth, no pain, had epidural, 20 minutes after told to push and she came in 2 pushes (perfect) but 2 years later we were told she has ASD. I no longer look for a reason why dd1 has ASD, its probably just something they get from dh and i.

Dd1 was different from the start (she would never settle, hated being icked up), dd2 was perfect (slept all day, would go with anyone), each child is different.

Have you had any counceling for your bith expereance?

I understand the guilt. And the need to find something to explain it.

I have considered my 9 solid months of puking and her very quick birth. I know that logically that wasn't what made her autistic. I think.

Thanks for the quick replies, all.

I guess I just wonder and I know, I'll never KNOW. I think a lack of O2 at birth troubles me. My son's so clever but typically autistic and he's an "only" so, I have no comparisons.

Again, thank you

unnecessary guilt is something we all share, so try and let it go, with counselling as required. it isn't limited to asd, any old sn will do.

personally, i have at various times felt guilty because i caused dd2's cerebral palsy with:

blowing up ballons for my friends 40th whilst pg

skiing whilst pg

not being forceful enough trying to explain to health profs about my swollen fanjo for the last 2 months of pg (yes, really)

not being forceful about baby movements being 'different' to the other two.

not being forceful enough about having a elcs and going for vbac 2 whe vbac1 had been an unmitigated disaster.

ummmmmm. there are loads.

did any of them contribute to dd2's cp? nah.

did the crapola vbac1 contribute to ds1's adhd/ aspergers traits/ anxiety? hmmmmmm. did the fact that dh got blown up when ds1 was 10 weeks in utero contribute? hmmmmmmm.

honestly, let it go. let it go. let it go. sometimes these things are completely unnatributable and just happen.

have a cup of tea, a slice of cake, think about whether you would like some counselling (i waited 7 years - 11 sounds eminently doable ) but try to quash the guilt thing. it won't help you, and it won't help ds. tis human nature to fret, but won't alter the outcome.

Madwoman.... You're inspirational. That is all.

Thank you.

We all do it. Both my girls have autism and birth for both was pretty nasty. Nearly lost them both.
I don't think we will ever really know, and there's little point in blamin outselves when some many others already do.

I have dd NT and ds asd. DDs birth was frantic, dilated fast, ignored by mw, all hell broke loose on antenatal ward when I said I needed to push - cord round her neck, people rushing round etc. She is fine.

DS birth was induced 24 hrs after my waters went - took 1 hour on the syntocin drip, fab delivery, everyone happy! DS has ASD.

Both pregnancies were the same - dreadful, I had sickness for 40 weeks, high blood pressure, in and out of hospital in third trimester etc

OP Please don't blame yourself.

DD has a rare chromosone disorder. The geneticist said it was a 'sporadic event', so I have never looked for anything to blame - have just accepted that it was one of those things.
However, because of DD, I had a CVS test done when expecting DS. The consultant made a bit of a botch as he didn't get enough 'material' when he went in the 1st time with the needle, and went back for more. I have often wondered if this has caused DS's HF ASD.
Realistically, I know that it probably has absolutely nothing to do with it (I know 2 other mums who had CVS around the same time as me, and their children do not have ASD). But human nature means we look for something to blame, we want answers, there will always be the 'what if' at the back of our minds. But you can't turn the clock back. The events that led up to the birth cannot be changed, and no amount of ' What if's' are going to change our DC's.
Don't beat yourself up - if you think counselling will help - then go for it. Otherwise just accept that what you are feeling is normal and the same as many people feel aboout lots of 'life changing' events that befall them.

Thanks all.

Yes, my ex, ds's dad, is definitely on the spectrum. So.....

I suppose I felt angry and highly suspicious at the many praised professionals who trooped onto the ward to see me, baby and to check how "we were doing". I always think they knew they'd buggered up. No one listened to me and I just remember being told that I was NOT in labour and to get up and basically, pull myself together. Ds was born 45 mins later. Dh oly just got there and baby was in distress. It felt like we'd struggled along for hours and no one was interested.

But, I think in my heart of hearts, ds had a genetic predisposition.

When I was on the ward following delivery, I overheard some women close by me complaining that they'd had to have portable canisters of gas and air wheeled to their bedsides as the wall outlet wasn't working. I do remember shouting at the midwife that nothing was coming out of the tube coming out of the wall so, I'd effectively had not one bit of pain relief beyond the 2 x paracetamol I'd had for a headache (i had raised bp) in the early hours of the morning. Again, she said I was getting hysterical and to "calm down".

I guess, the birth of my son was nothing whatsoever like the event I had (vaguely) in mind but then, many aren't.

All my births were good, very big healthy babies and only 1 out of three has ASD. I put it down to us being older when he was conceived. Its the only risk factor we have - no family history etc. I doubt we will ever know.

I used to be a medical negligence solicitor and I can tell you that there is evidence in about 10% cases of CP of a link to events / O2 shortage at birth, but there is no proven link between birth injury and autism. There is a link between very premature babies and autism suggesting some cases of autism might be caused by something going wrong early in brain development, but not events around the actual birth. If there was brain injury in the last days or hours it would show up on CTG's and might be signs neonatally e.g. fits etc.

Children who may have been brain damaged at birth can get legal aid to investigate and bring a case up to age 20 (although they take 2 years to investigate so you shouldn't wait until 20), but usually only get funding for CP cases as modern medicine has not found a link with autism.

Autistic brains look very different on MRIs than other kinds of brain injury - e.g. there is lots of extra 'wiring' in ASC brains, whereas with CP / birth injury there will tend to be very specific parts of the brain which were deprived of oxygen and will show up on the scan. They are quite separate conditions.

They are starting to realise many children with SLD also have autism when the autism didn't used to get picked up. A case of birth injury might also have autism on top

You can ask for your notes and a paediatrician / obstetrician to talk you through them and ask if any signs of difficulties at birth.

Its unlikely anything about the last few weeks of pregnancy caused autism - if it did then science has not yet found it.