diagnosis confidentiality at school

[diagnosed]

DD5 had aspergers dx 6 months ago. She has been attending nursery since she was 3, is in reception now. Doing well academically (likes reading, writing, numbers). Well behaved, outgoing, and happy at home and anywhere she goes with us. But she occasionally screams and fights at school, and sometimes even bites. Was diagnosed because school referred her.

We are still struggling to accept the diagnosis, this could be a full different thread. We are quite confused about how "severe" it is.
Anyway, we have filled in all the questionaires and done everything that was suggested by her teachers and doctors, as we believe they wish her well, and that it was confidential.

3 days ago, when collecting DD, the TA made me and another mum wait. We sat down together with our children, and DD announced that she bit the other girl. She seemed happy and proud about it. (I know she talks like this when she is nervous, I know she knows it is wrong. Still, it did not look nice at all.)

I felt terribly sorry. The TA came soon and took the other mum with her child to another room for a chat. After they left, she talked to DD and me, and made the usual nice explanation about how everybody is upset, and that DD should continue being kind, the way she usually is, and so on. Good.

Next morning, I saw the other mum arriving with her child, and I thought I would say sorry to them, as she knew my DD did it. The mum smiled kindly and said: "No, no, I understand completely, it is understandable, because she is... yes, because she has... of course, it is understandable."

I was too shocked to say anything else. We haven't told about the diagnosis to anybody in this country (except the doctors and the teachers, under the promise of confidentiality), and only told DH's family (that live abroad) 2 months ago. We haven't even told our DD herlself. DD looks and acts "normal" most of the time (even at school, according to her teacher, 95% of the time she is fine), and I want her to behave appropriately. I would never use her diagnosis as an excuse for aggression. I have sympathy for DD in my heart, I know it must be difficult for her, but I will always require her to be kind. I believe she is able to.
I worry that she will be (or already is) treated at school as somebody that is not capable of behaving appropriatelly, and will not feel the need to learn it as a result.

Oh my, I don't know how to express it well, and sorry if I am offending anybody... It's just that I am so not ready for disclosing her diagnosis to random people. I thought we had a right to privacy. I very probably would have disclosed it in the future, but I needed much more time for understanding it fully myself.

The TA was not coming back until after half term, so next day I asked DD's regular teacher how things may have been explained to the other mum. the teacher said that the diagnosis is confidential and they would not tell anyone about it. I said that the other mother seemed to know something that was making my daughters behaviour "understandable". Teacher said she must overheard it in the playground, or maybe children commented that DD must have SN because she uses timetable and squeezy toys. (This an absurd explanation, I think).

DD is not statemented (yet). I actually have been asking the teachers not long ago if other children knew that she was "different" and was reassured that not. School is going to apply for a statement, but they told me that because DD is quite functional, she may not get any additional help anyway. She has no 1 to 1 atm.

There is no way anybody would have "overheard" it unless the confidentiality promise was broken.

I am so upset. We are so not ready for the possibility of DD hearing from other children that she is "different".

Am going to talk to the TA after the break, but I can very well imagine that she said to the other mum that her child was bitten by a child with SN, so it is not as upsetting for her. I have received the same kind of explanation myself when my daughter was hit in an afterschool club (not at the school). TA must have not thought about that fact that it was obvious for the other mum who the SN child is, as we waited together.

I feel so betrayed. Am I wrong? Was it to be expected?

By the way, all the teachers are lovely and kind, and we really appreciate all they are doing. I think it is just a clumsy leak of information at a time that is too early for our family. Or maybe in practice diagnoses are never really kept "confidential" and we were expecting too much?

I am planning to talk to the TA in question after the break to ask what exactly was said. I am reluctant to ask the other mum about what she has been told, as I don't really know her, and she must be upset enough by her child having been bitten.

Sorry for the long essay. Any advice appreciated. Is it reasonable/ worthy to complain to the school? How can I stop the information from being spread any further?

Just checking in quickly. I would say if you ask the TA she will deny it she clearly must have told the other Mum not to say anything as when you approached her she seemed to be reluctant to disclose what she had been told. I would say they told her and told her not to say anything. You could approach her and ask politely just in a casual way but that might cause tension. I would just speak to the HT and say that you know that the other parent was told and that you want him/ her to ensure confidentiality in future or you will make a formal complaint. HTH

Thank you for the advice.
I think it was a case of protecting the other mum's feelings without realising that confidential information about DD was being disclosed. TA probably forgot to think that it was obvious who the biting SN child was.

I do not want to overreact, but I guess I will talk to school as it doesn't seem right.

Hmmm, its a tough one as children will pick up on a child being different if they have extra help at school but it does sound like something might have been said to the mother.

All dd2's class mates know she has ASD (as she has full time TA and hardly talks so its obvious to most people, plus i told the teacher that i am happy for the other children to know), so far all has worked out well and the other kids look out for her. Dd1 has Aspergers and is 8 years old, she has no TA and is top of the class, i leave it up to her if she wants people to know, she has chosen not to tell anyone and the teacher has never told anyone either (a couple of the parents know as they go into the school to read to the kids).

Could one of the TA's mentioned it to someone?

Thanks a lot for your reply, Marne. This is exactly what i was trying to say, that both ways can be good, but I wanted to make my own decision about it in my own time.

The other mother spoke in a way as if she knew something. One would not mention it so obviously if only having heard about the little help my DD is getting.

I would definately talk to the school if I were you, if you have said that you want it kept confidential it's completely wrong that someone has told another parent.
It is absolutely your decision when and who you tell and no one has the right to take that decision out of your hands.
Not much advice i'm afraid but just wanted to say I would be very upset and angry about it as well and you certianly weren't expecting too much.

Thank you sazza76. Your comment will make me more confident when talking to school. I will sort my feelings during the holidays and try to be be nice but firm. What is still upsetting me is that it is too late, and other parents might know about it already.
I hadn't specifically asked for the dx to be kept secret, I just supposed it was, as at each stage the doctors and the teachers had been telling me so.

Thanks again everybody.