I really don't know where to start

[IAmRubyLennox]

This could turn into a long post, please bear with me and please, if you have time, read to the end.

I've never posted on the special needs board before, and I really don't know where to start with this. I understand that there are children with much more serious needs than my child, and I have the greatest respect for that. If I'm posting in the wrong place, please could someone point me in the direction of the right one? And please accept my apologies if I'm using the wrong terminology for anything, I really don't know what I'm talking about!

My DS1 is 7.4. He's the middle one of 3 DC, the others are 8 and 6.

He's doing fine academically at school, above average in everything. The only issue with school work is his handwriting, which is truly dire.

He has always been a very nervous, jumpy sort of child (I used to feel him jumping in the womb, if there was a loud noise or something). He is quite clingy and possessive towards me, over and above any other family member.

He has always had major issues forging friendships with other little boys (he's slightly better with girls, although he doesn't have any really strong friendships). He just seems to have nothing in common whatsoever.

Although he's 7, he still plays very schematically. If he's playing at home, it usually involves arranging everything into strict rows or groups, and he gets very agitated if anyone moves or disturbs it.

As a toddler, his sleep was incredibly disturbed, to the point that he was prescribed a sedative by the GP because he would wake in the night every 50 minutes or so having monumental tantrums.

He has a phobia of buttons and can't cope with wearing anything with them on. If he has to (wedding, for example), it completely changes his personality, he becomes withdrawn and uncommunicative.

He is very particular about routines. I don't mean so much the big stuff, but little details. For example, he always has cereal and then toast at breakfast. If we're running late and don't have time for toast, all hell will break loose.

At school, his behaviour is always totally fine. At home, he will be fine for weeks, then we'll go through a really tough patch of him kicking off about really minor things, (e.g. being told to put something away because we're going out for a walk), leading to him yelling and screaming at top decibels, jumping up and down on the spot, and (on the worst occasions) throwing things and hitting me.

My other two children don't exhibit these traits at all. I'm an ordinary, busy working mum with a lot of experience of children (I'm a TA as my job), and I really don't think I encourage or endorse this behaviour.

If you were me, would this be ringing any alarm bells?

Yes, because I believe that if there is any concern the mother usually has a point.

And, yes, this is the right place to post. Your Ds may or may not have SN but it's never tharpt black and white anyway.

Hi there,

In terms of the handwriting - it would be worth asking your GP for a referral to occupational therapy. Handwriting is not just about holding the pen, but also core stability, shoulder and wrist strength etc.

The routines are a little unusual, but need to be considered as part of the whole picture!! You could always ask for a referral to a paediatrician as a starting point.

Good luck

Hi My Ds1 is 6. similar to yours in that he prefers girls, but usually older ones. i don't think he usually bothers with the girls in his class although they are kind to him. my ds likes the structure an adult can provide particularly for play. he gets lost in the playground and retreats because he cannot cope with the hustle and bustle, and doesn't understand the rules of the game or the point!

Does he know how to play imagnitively with figures etc. my ds 1 doesn't. he cannot initiate play but once he's happy doing something he can stick at it for a while but not long. ds2 thinks he's ben 10 right now, and it's wonderful to watch him play.

One thing I think may be useful for you to do is complete this checklist... www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html

Sensory Processing disorder can be a difficulty by itself but it also often accompanies other things.

My DS1 is high functioning, struggling academically and socially and has been dx with Aspergers, Visual Stress, and Sensory Processing Disorder. I have been on here on and off for the last year. The people on here are nothing short of wonderful and no one is going to tell you you're wrong to be concerned about your child. Not on here anyway!

Well, I always think it's a problem when it's a problem iyswim. We're all different and I'm sure a lot of people are different in ways that might attract a diagnosis but in practice it doesn't affect them, they're just a bit eccentric. But other people might have the same condition but it affects them more or they don't cope with it as well and then they would benefit from some help.

So the thing is - is it becoming a problem? Because if you can step back and say - yes, the socialising thing is starting to bother him, or I can see that it ought to bother him as he'll soon become isolated, and the episodes where he boils over at home are more and more frequent etc - then I think it's worth talking to someone. My gut feel is I'd talk to the GP about a referral to CAMHS (Child & Adolescent Mental Health Services) because they are good at sorting out cases where some of the symptoms might be mental health related - & by that I just mean eg anxiety/stress - & might mean there's an underlying condition. But see what they say.

what r3dh3d said is very close to my line of thinking.

For the last couple of years, I've thought 'well, yes, this is how he is, but this is just him'.

I'm starting to get concerned though that it's starting to be a problem for him. He's starting to notice that he doesn't really have a group of friends, or get included in things with the other boys.

The outbursts at home are more incongruous the older he gets (most 7 y.o don't have toddler type tantrums) and harder to deal with because he's bigger and stronger with a more powerful vocabulary.

I don't know what to do with it really because I won't get any support at school because he's very well-behaved there and not struggling academically, although he's struggling socially.

DH is concerned that any sort of assessment will result in him being 'labelled' (whatever that means). I'm very cautious about approaching the GP for help. When he was a toddler with very disturbed sleep I went to ask for help, and the HV descended like the horsemen of the Apocalypse and did her damnedest to convince me that it was all my fault (I know this sounds melodramatic, but she did actually use the phrase 'I don't know how your husband can stand to be married to you'). It took me a long time to regain my confidence in my own abilities and judgement, I'm not in a hurry to have it knocked again.

Tbh, I would be concerned about lining things-disturbed sleep- routine- hitting adults. Could u go private for an assessment?

yes, we probably could. How would I go about it?

I personally like Jackie Harland from London Children Practice, I recommended her several times here already, I know she does have lots of patients with asd, acts as an expert at tribunals, etc. I would have started with her and then take it from there really.

Hi ruby, I think you need to go with your gut instinct when it comes to your own child. You are an experienced parent with 2 other children who dont have these difficulties.

If you can go private it would certainly be quicker although i have heard of parents on here whose schools have not accepted private diagnosis. I have no idea why.

Even if your Ds doesnt show any issues at school now he might struggle at secondary so it might be worth acting now.

Good luck.

If you are noticing the differences and you are concerned - which I assume you are since you are posting here, then if you have your child assessed, you will find out if there is an underlying cause.
If there is, then you will be able to learn about this and learn how best to help your child through his life IFSWIM. You do not have to share a diagnosis with anyone that you do not want to but it may be that the "label" if there turns out to be one can allow you to access some help.
It sounds like your GP is not supportive. Could you see an alternative one?
some of the points on your list rings bells with me My son has Aspergers, but they also would be a sign of other different problems - or not.
It would be something that if you wanted to know for certain you would have to have a professional assessment of one sort or another ( ie private or via your GP).
I have noticed that DS's differences become more obvious the older he gets so that it might be worth finding out now. If any interventions (help) are needed they are often more effective the younger you start them.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

A lot of what you have written rings a bell with me also-my ds,12, was diagnosed last yr with Aspergers and symptoms didnt become apparent with him until he was about 7. I would say go to the gp and explain your concerns and ask for a referral to a child psych for a private assessment.We did this and it speeded up the process of waiting for ages in the public system.I would agree with alison that ds problems are becoming much more obvious as he gets older.Incidentally, he never had a problem accademically at school-only social.
If you find there is in fact a problem,your ds will be able to access help and support with a diagnosis. If your GP is unsupportive then find another one instead.I too worried about getting him 'labelled' and dh wanted to just leave things be but I am glad now as ds is getting social skills training at school,support for anxiety from CAMHS and we also understand him a lot better now also.

Incidentally, we too have the issues with appalling handwriting,routines,difficulty with friendships etc.Have a read of puffinsaresmalls thread which is called- teacher just mentioned autism at parent/teacher meeting-what next?-her issues are different to yours but similar in that she is trying to decide what to do next.Hope this helps a bit.

Thank you very much, all of you, for your helpful advice and recommendations. I'm going to have a think about it all and try to convince DH that we need to take this seriously. I'm sure I'll be back with more questions, so thanks again for your patience!