Please tell me what to do re teeth brushing and bedtime before I crack up

[ThoughtBen10WasBadPokemonOMG]

DS is nearly 7. He has AS. He is the size of a 9 year old.

I have a disability that affects my shoulders, arms and hands. I have also had prolapse surgery 2 months ago so am still on lifting restrictions.

Always has had a problem with teeth and bedtime. Due to his violence towards me last night at bedtime, tonight's bedtime was moved 15 minutes earlier and he understood completely that he needed to behave tonight so he could have his 7pm bedtime. We have gone for 7pm as his settling time is around an hour so it means he sleeps at around 8pm. If I let him stay up later the behaviour just gets so extreme and out of hand.

Tonight I have had get another battle where he again refused to get ready for bed. Refused to brush his teeth. I had to pin him down to brush his teeth. (reward charts etc for teeth don't work). This is terrible. I use my hands and arms with far more force than I should for my own health and I feel terrible almost fighting with a chid to brush his teeth. It felt not so bad doing it when he was smaller as it wasn't so violent feeling. I feel that I have no choice though. He has 4 adult teeth through and I am so worried that he will end up with no teeth due to lack of brushing. He has an electric toothbrush atm, we've tried normal ones, Collis Curve, the kids Oral B Sonic tooth brush. He has the strawberry toothpaste that hewill almost tolerate.

I then had to get him up the stairs. He weighs 4 1/2 stone. I weigh 10 1/2. He is too tall and too big to carry. I'm now left with my hands all swollen up, feeling ill and stressed and he is sitting in his room not in bed

I'm obviously doing something wrong. I have our local equivalent of Early Bird Plus starting soon but this is every day either about sun cream or teeth or bed. I've had enough. :(

You're not doing anything wrong. This is how it is. If I had a pound for every headlock I've put my two in I'd be typing this from my own island in the bahamas

getting meds into my eldest was a two man job! Teeth were only ever brushed when they were pinned.

IT ISN'T YOU. I can't stress this enough, because I get from your post that you're low and at the end of what you feel you can cope with.

Is there anything at all that can motivate him? Anything, no matter how odd. I just go with whatever is the latest obsession hobby and find a way to use that to my advantage. Do X and you get 5 minutes on/with Y.

Is there anyone at all who can help you? Someone who can come and give you a hand at bedtime or anything?

Thank you so much for your post. I so needed to hear this.

You are right. I'm at the end of what I can deal with atm. Am waiting for the chronic pain clinic where I hope that they'll give me anti-d's that work with my other meds.

We only got dx about 6 weeks ago although have been trying to treat as if he had ASD for ages.

Just to hear that there wasn't anything I was doing wrong means a lot and I know that you have two with ASD.

I do have DH but he thought that everything was under control so let me get on with it. I can hear him upstairs now trying to make DS understand and agree how everything is going to proceed.

I suprise DS with a disclosing tablet at odd intervals (or he'd memorise when the next tooth check was coming!). The shop Tiger does little £1 min hour glasses - he has to brush for that long to avoid presenting blue teeth to the world .

As he doesn't want to go to school with blue teeth it works on the motivation front. He then keeps it up for a few weeks afterwards before things slide again. I know it's a negative thing to do, but nothing else worked!

He's also seen the dental hygienist for several "how to brush" sessions over the years as his co-ordination is crap & he scratched his gum badly once.

Changing the flavour of the toothpaste & mouthwash may help (- to be fair to DS, some of the kids brands taste utterly revolting). We now use a herbal one (so the flouride content isn't too high for his age), but I have been known to let him use a dry brush & mouthwash when he's been particularly difficult about it.

Bed I can't help with as he's fine going to bed & sleep - it's staying that way we have major issues with! (Why I post on here at silly o'clock sometimes).

Thank you Boc

I'm feeling slightly calmer than I did before. The stupid thing is my brother is a dental hygeinist. He doesn't do this when he stays anywhere else. Just here - his safe zone I guess.

I will get the disclosing tablets and give them a try. Also I'll try the herbal toothpaste to see if that makes it any better. The amount of money we waste by buying things all the time that are rejected .

I have managed to hurt myself tonight with the brushing and getting him up to stairs. I have to try something else - or alternatively DH needs to step in....

we have found:
doing it in same way better ie same number of brushes helps. to start with ie, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 finished
gradually asking him to do the last brush
using a much smaller softer brush
getting school to help by doing it at school as well
Focusing more on getting him to accept than really doing correct brushing
He has massively improved and though it is hardly the best regime you could have it is certainly better than nothing and we are all less stressed out.
Don't feel bad. Nearly every normal everyday thing has been a source of worry and guilt for me. I have had to massively adapt my view of what is acceptable.

My son loves his bedtime routine (been referred for ASD) and yet the brushing the teeth each morning and night is always a huge fight - he says he doesn't like the feel of it. I don't know if this is true but he is definitely showing signs of distress when it's "teeth time"

I may give the disclosing tablets a try

ps sorry to barge in

ds is nearly 4 and verry small so sitting "on" him and tickling his ears sometimes works. getting assessed for asd. I will be pinching ideas from futher up...

Thank you all again. I'm going to have another read of all of your ideas and points again.

tbh I was having a "why can't he just be "normal" evening last night. The irritating bits of AS are just so irritating at the moment.

I need to just get over this stage. I'm still somewhere on the acceptance path from getting the dx. i think it's all complicated with coming to terms with accepting that I have a disability and with struggling to get back to work after long term sick.

Thank you all again. I was in a right state last night and you were there for me as always :).

HONK HONK

It takes time. You have to throw out the rule book, unlearn everything you thought you knew about children and start again But it isn't you, it's never been you and it's never going to be you! It's just the condition.

And it is tiring when you're not doing well yourself. I've got fibromyalgia (among other things!) and when I'm really bad, I have a lot less patience - because I'm exhausted and I'm in pain. It's hard to get stuck in there when you're in agony. You need to be kinder to yourself, Thought.

And forgive me for saying it, but your husband needs to realise this is going to need to be a team effort and not be 'leaving you to it'. This needs both of you right now.

Your username - can I assume you've lived through the Ben10 obsession and are currently suffering pokemon? You have my sympathy. There is a box full of every ben 10 toy known to man (including the rare gwen10 figure!) to go with the full set of ben10 cartoons that had to be shipped over from america and a multi region dvd bought in order to play the buggers and it never gets played with, none of it.

Same with the gogo collection of hundreds. And the box of cars that contains at least one of every make and model of car in the whole bloody world. And the gormiti. And the pokemon...

The collection must be completed. While it is under completion it is the only topic of discussion. As soon as the final piece is in place - it is instantly discarded.

This is early days for you, and everyone is different anyway, I can only tell you what works for us. We laugh. We find a way to keep on laughing. We've got the "2" song (echolalia/verbal stims The Musical ) me and my husband use some of their phrases to each other

NEVER mockingly. NEVER when they can hear. Just between ourselves as a way to laugh. You need the humour. The black humour. It keeps you sane.

I'll never forget being on my hands and knees playing hunt the poo, or the time we walked into their room to find my eldest had covered his face with his own poo. Laugh, laugh, laugh! "23-19" yelled out meant BRING THE CLEAN UP STUFF. WE'VE GOT A POO EMERGENCY!" (from the decontamination scene in monsters inc)

I sound like the Poo Troll

Now, I respect that that won't work for everyone, but for us it's always helped. Made it all less of a monster situation to deal with.

DS2 doesn't like getting his teeth brushed either. DH generally does his bedtime routine, but I can tell when he's been slacking the toothbrushing, as DS2 starts fighting more in the mornings before school about brushing his teeth. He cannot coordinate it himself and hates how it feels, but if it is done twice a day every day, he tolerates it. As soon as you miss a day or two, he gets worse about it.

Will have to adopt "23-19" - brilliant!

23-19

my hands arent working for typing but I'll report back later!