Bad bedtimes - feeling quite down

[Twowillbefine]

I feel sure this is a reaction to my previous smug view that DS1 is a good sleeper. Actually that's not fair - he is a good sleeper; he's just not going to sleep at the moment.

DS1 is 5.6 and ASD. In the past he has gone to bed very well. Generally involves spending some quiet time in bed with the ipad or a DVD and then me going in, reading a couple of stories, tucking him in and going. But over the last couple of months he's just not been settling and the time he's actually gone to sleep has slipped from around 8 - 8:15 ish to 9:00. Don't think this is anything to do with heat or light; his room is not pitch dark but it's not too light either. He had a long-running cold (as did everyone in the family) a few weeks ago (and it did go on for weeks) but we are all better now, but he is still kicking off about going to bed and won't settle. A few times I sat in his room which was the only thing which stopped him getting up but tonight even that was pointless.

Just at the end of my tether. End up shouting which I don't like. Have done return and leave over and over and over and over... until at around 9 he drops off.

DP's opinion is just there is no point fighting it, he's going to sleep at 9 and we should just get used to it. But he's only 5, he should be settling much earlier. I also admit to wanting my evening. I work FT (DP is SAHD) which means that the only time I get to relax is when DCs have gone to bed. I get in, cook / serve tea for DCs, put DS2 to bed, cook tea for me and DP, put DS1 to bed. The hour between 8 and 9 is spent reading stories and promising myself I won't get cross and then endlessly going in and out trying to make him stay in bed and fall asleep. By then I want to go to bed, so I have about an hour where I can do what I want to do, before I turn in because I need a good nights sleep before it all starts over.

Sorry so long. Just feeling very down about this and have no ideas about what (if anything) will change the situation. :(

Didn't want to read and run. Sounds like he's developmentally doing well ie learning how to delay bedtime and get mum following his lead (definitely a theory of mind milestone )

Is there room for a middle ground: just accepting it's 9pm for now, like dh says, so you escape the 'new' routine (of hours messing about/ extra stories etc)

Then when routine is short and smooth, slowly sneaking it back towards 8pm, maybe by 5min/day?

Twowillbefine. My Ds (6) has recently started to take an age to settle as well.

We are working on a plan similar to the one outlined by mariasalome.

One of the reasons for DS taking so long to settle is that he gets worried about 'stuff'.

What happens if you just leave him to it? Will he lie or play quietly or crash around and shout for you.
If it's the former I'd leave him to it but remove electronic device and anything too stimulating. If you keep getting him up at same time in morning then either he will start to sleep earlier or perhaps is going thru a phase or needing less.

What happens if you just leave him to it? Will he lie or play quietly or crash around and shout for you.
If it's the former I'd leave him to it but remove electronic device and anything too stimulating. If you keep getting him up at same time in morning then either he will start to sleep earlier or perhaps is going thru a phase or needing less.

Can't your DH take over bedtime duties after 8pm to allow you time to settle?

Does he sleep through all night? What time does he wake?

My ds is coming up to 5 and goes into his bedroom at around 6.30 / 7pm and watches dvds, plays until he settles. Some nights he will sleep through till 7 am but other nights (like last night) he was up at 2.30. He calls for me and we have to put dvds on and go through the process again - sometimes he goes back to sleep but last night he didn't. At least I can doze while he is playing in his room (stair gate he can't open).

This is a vast improvement for us - he used to be up all hours, never sleeping more than 2 hours at a time, screaming etc The dvds actually seem to have a calming effect on ds - paed and sleep clinic have encouraged us to stick with what we are doing!

I would say don't get too strung up on how much sleep he is having as long as he seems to be fine. There are a lot of children in ds school who need very little sleep.

cwtch wow, that sounds like a big improvement.

I try not to worry about how many hours sleep are totted up but did get from the CAMHS nurse when I said, 'DS is usually asleep by 9'.

Twowillbe fine: you didn't say what time he gets up in the morning.

my NT six year old is not asleep til nine most nights. He was a fantastic sleeper as a baby and toddler but now he seems to need much less sleep.

What about swapping the order of things. For us we do stories and cuddles and then leave ds with stories on the ipad (he isn't allowed dvds or he would never settle) but will with audio stories playing. He is 7 and has trouble switching off at night so although in bed at 7.30 he doesn't actually drop off for about an hour. This pattern persists if he goes to bed later so if he goes to bed 8.30 he won't drop off until about 9.30. The stories keep him in bed and allow him to relax and wind down.

I know how you feel, my almost 6 year old asd child is the same. He used to be happy looking at his vast selection of books until 9 or 10 every night, but now he says he is scared.

I have removed every single toy from his room (suggestion of the NAS) that helped for a couple of days, but now he is scared of mosquitoes and what's lurking under his bed. DP usually ends up shouting at him :(

Thankfully, next week we are going on a 'weighted blanket' free trial. Really hoping it will help him sleep

I know it's appealing to want to have your "own time" but seeing as you are spending the time between 8 and 9 stressing about him it's not really your time any more iyswim.
We went through exactly the same with DD (now 4.4). She would go up to bath and bed at 8, but never ever settled. She has a baby gate across her door to stop wandering but she would just stand by it screaming and shaking the gate. We would be sitting downstairs trying to ignore her and "relax" but getting more and more wound up until eventually we would give up and let her come back down until she settled. Eventually we realised that the situation wasn't working for anybody, moved bedtime to 9pm and nine times out of ten she will go straight to sleep, allowing us a chance to chill. The time leading up to bedtime is spent having toast and milk and watching a bit of calm tv. She still likes Waybuloo. More relaxing all round. I wake her for school at 7.30.
Told all this to hv who came to see us recently and her comment was along the lines of you do what works for you and dc and nobody else should comment (actually quite helpful our hv).
DD is non verbal and undiagnosed ASD btw. Some kids (the same as adults) need less sleep than others.

Yep another one here checking in with a 6 yr old with AS who won't settle. We now have a shadow light that plays patterns on the wall and ceiling, a fan and he has an ipod so he plays the same song over and over which settles him.

We realised that his bedtime was too late at 8pm due to the difficulty in settling so now bedtime is 7 so he can self settle for that hour. Actually it is 6.45 tonight due to bad behaviour last night

We also use a cd player with story tapes.

Really appreciate all your responses and glad I'm not the only one. Just knowing that helps.

If we leave him to it he gets out of bed and comes back to the living room so can't just leave. In fact here he is...

So, three times through Goldilocks. DP now in to try and finish off. But DS1 gets so excited with the stories.

Some good ifeas I'll have a think about. DP is certainly having better luck than me in closing down the evening at the moment. But here we are ten to nime and still sounds bouncy.

I know I shouldn't complain too much. When he does go to sleep he is out until morning. Just need to focus in the positives!

... and make sure you get enough sleep yourself.

We cheat now. Melatonin is great (as is his hay fever medicine)