Worried about 10 yr old DD - possible Aspergers?

[sugaraddict]

Have been thinking about posting here for a while, have finally come to the point where I'm not coping and need some advice.

10yo DD has always been a demanding child in terms of parenting, although sometimes with huge positives. She was a clingy, anxious baby who wouldn't go to anyone except me and DH (preferably me!), very early talker but late walker. I remember someone asking me to describe her when she was about 2 and the first word that came to mind was quirky! Although she seemed happy at nursery and in reception she didn't talk to an adult there from age 3, when she started, to about age 7, and still has great difficulty with this. She says it makes her feel scared, although she has only recently managed to verbalise this.

She is very talented musically and seems to find academic work at school very easy. But she is becoming increasingly anxious and withdrawn. She has gone from having a group of friends when she started school to having one friend who doesn't even play with her at breaktimes. There have been a few unpleasant incidents at school recently (verging on bullying) and she cries about going to school in the mornings. She just seems so different to the other girls in her year, doesn't know how to interact with them and has very different interests. I know she's not sleeping well, has major meltdowns(only at home) and seems to me to be becoming depressed.

DH and I have suspected for some time that she has autistic traits. Very strong family history with 3 cousins diagnosed with ASD. While she seemed happy enough we didn't really feel the need to do anything about it but we're now really worried, especially as she's coming up to adolescence with all that entails, and also only a year of secondary school. We really don't know how she will cope.

Problem is that school don't see a problem. Never did even when she wouldn't speak. She's high achieving, well behaved and very closed in at school. They've seemed surprised when we've talked to them about our concerns, and I'm sure they think I'm neurotic. So I'm nervous about talking about this and being taken seriously. I just know that I need to do something to help her and also restore balance to our family life as she has a younger brother who is being affected by her problems. He hates to see his big sister upset but I also feel I don't have the energy left over to give him the attention he deserves.

Just wondered if anyone has any advice about where to turn for help, not sure what to do about all this.

It all sounds suggestive, certainly of Asperger's.

We had out daughter aged 8 assessed because of anxiety and were told she had prob had Asperger's but it was up to us to pursue a formal diagosis. We didn't but I wish we had. All the literature says get a diagnosis as soon as poss. We had her assessed in order to try and forestall any probs in the teenage years.

She has just been diagnosed. She is now 15 She too, was selectively mute until 6.

She is high functioing, obedient and quiet at school. But her problems are getting worse, more meltdowns (she gets very anxious, hyperventilates and feels depressed, so not a typical aggressive, perhaps tantrum as such) but distressing to watch.)

She is taking 12 GCSEs and teaching herself Japanese and doing Duke of Edinburgh (which she hates) but these are all her own choices.

The reason to get diagnosed if you suspect this is because then you can get the help she may need so much. She is currently having CAMHS counselling at school. These problems become so much worse with the teenage years. The other thing to remember is that precocious intelligence can sometimes mask their real naivety and vulnerability.

I wish all good luck. It may be a rocky ride, but they are so vulnerable and need you so much; it is perhaps encumbent upon us as parents to act on our intuition and empower ourselves as much as we can to help our children.

I meant to say, your GP is your first port of call. they can refer you to CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health) There should be a core diagnostic team consisting of paediatrician specialising in Asperger's, speech and language team and then the counselling part, 3 parts in all. You can access the counselling part independently and before formal assessment if needs be.

I have a Dd who is 9 and was dxed with ASD in september. She sounds similar to your Dd, she struggles with most other girls her age, she finds it hard to understand their unwritten social rules and the way their conversations flit from subject to subject.

She is academic and has a fantastic memory but before we moved her to a lovely inclusive school she hardly ever spoke to adults at school even when she was distressed or unwell.

She also suffers from seperation anxitey which has often led to her being physically sick at school.

I think you should make an appointment with your GP and tell him/her what you wrote on her. It is really common for girls with ASD/Aspergers to not cause any trouble at school just to keep their heads down and become invisible. This is great for schools but is really bad for the girls and their families.

Good luck

Would concur with the other counsel re asking the GP to refer you to either a developmental peadiatrician or CAMHS. Bear in mind though that although CAMHS certainly have their place, ASD is not always their best area of expertise.

You'd be wise to seek help asap and especially before secondary school. She is having real problems socially and your family life at home is being affected to its detriment. Also being anxious could well go onto have a knock on effect on her learning.

Would also suggest you contact the National Autistic Society and read up more on ASD in girls.

Not unfortunately surprised to see that school don't see a problem; school staff are not trained or skilled enough to spot children with the wide range of additional needs and go unnoticed and or ignored. ASD in girls in particular is very hard to spot, it can take a long time for a diagnosis to be made.

Thank you so much for your helpful and supportive responses, I think they really back up what I already knew, that I need to get help, but have given me a bit of a much needed push. Am going to ring GP's for appointment first thing in the morning. Especially as have just had a difficult evening with her talking in a strange hyper fashion and refusing to stop for half an hour! I shouted in the end and she's stormed off to her room. Not normal behaviour.

Merlincat, yes she plays several instruments but violin to a very high standard and does lots of orchestras. They are the highlights of her year. The problem is she wants to be a violinist but a lot of these problems we've been having sabotage her practice and can't be doing her chances much good. Another reason to try and sort it out.

Thanks again all.

Both my Dd's who are the spectrum are very musical. They are really good singers.

Dd3 is currently in 3 choirs which is great but a bit mad. She remembers loads of songs words and in many different languages.

Music is defnitely the way to go

Another question, for those whose daughters were diagnosed at a similar or later age, how did you explain to her why she was being assessed?Don't want to lie to her but am afraid it may make her more anxious or depressed. I know it will stress her out having to speak to strangers too, that is if they can get anything at all out of her.

We were never quite sure whether Dd3 would actually get a diagnosis, Dd1 didnt but she is 23 now so it is a long time ago.

We told Dd3 that people were trying to help us with her anxiety and her coordination. She is also borderline for dyspraxia.

We were reluctant to mention ASD without knowing ourselves first.

She was diagnosed a while ago now and we are planning to explain about her ASD this half term because she has been attending various groups to support her at school and she has started asking loads of questions.

We were going to wait until the summer but the sen staff at her school are so supportive we decided it would be stupid to tell her at a time they couldnt help us.

I wonder if maybe you could take her to the first appointment by telling her it is a development check up and see what kind of feedback you get from the proffs.

Good luck