How to explain what paedophile means to an AS child (or any child)?

[Iceflower]

Ds (9) has AS. He sometimes likes to watch the tv news with me and last night heard the word "paedophile". Despite my best attempts at distracting him, he kept asking what it meant.

So, I racked my brains, and all I could come up was "a grown up that hurts children"

He replied, that's what my teachers are, they are paedophiles . I'm going to tell them tomorrow .

I spent half an hour telling him it's inappropriate and there would be consequences from me and school if he did use that word in school. Cue massive meltdown. Eventually he calmed down and went to sleep.

I am sitting here thinking I'm going to get a phone call from school today!

Can anyone help with a better definition?

Oh dear!

Id tell him the truth.

An adult that wants to have an adult relationship with a child, then explain why that is inappropriate.

I like 'a grown up that hurts children' as it is true, and straightforward.

But could you make it more speciific eg ' a grown up that makes children feel funny about their private places or hurts them there' or something like that? You'd need to put in your own family words for 'feeling funny' and 'private places' but you know what I mean?

We don't let Dd (8) listen to the news for just this reason but the day is gonna come for us too! (they watch newsround at school already). I have drummed into her that 'no one is allowed to touch her body unless she wants them to as it is HERS' but I can see I'll need to broach this soon too.

Btw, why would he associate 'a grown up that hurts children' with his teachers? Might be worth teasing this bit out?

Amberleaf, your brilliant suggestion will be my starting point

I don't think you have any option but to find a way to explain what it actually is.

Also talk to the school. Tell them what's happened. That's the first thing I'd do! damage limitation That way, if he does say something, it's not out of the blue, they know where it's come from and they'll have an idea how to deal with it.

Thank you , wise ones . I think I will need to go into details , I had hoped to keep his innocence for longer .

tuna ds finds school challenging, and the CT makes his write when he has dyspraxia, hence hurting him.

Phew. Glad its no more sinister than that

RE the keeping innocence thing. I know what you mean.
But a wise counsellor friend recently said to me (when I happened to be discussing this with her!)
Remember, if you arm them with knowledge they are actually more likely to be able to keep their innocence should a dodgy situation arise as they will know it is wrong, and why, and what to do.

I agree with your friend tuna.

The other thing which I hesitated to post before as poss TMI is that paedophiles very often dont actually hurt children, they do things that are grossly wrong, illegal and inappropriate but not necessarily painful.

Thats why IMO its better to be factful and focus on the why its inappropriate part.

This reminds me of an issue with my son when 'Rosie' off Coronation Street got married to her girlfriend.

He'd come down to say goodnight, saw them and asked what was going on. I simply said they are lesbians and were getting married (this did not shock him), he said 'oh, ok' and off he went upstairs.

What I then found, was him sneaking on the laptop and googling lesbian - I wish i'd of explained in more detail, then he wouldn't of gone to find out for himself.

Btw, my DS is also 9

Amber -

That is a very good point. By the time a peadophile has got to the 'actually hurting' stage they will already have crossed a number of inappropriate boundareis and maybe done illegal things.
I'd like to just say: 'a grown up who makes you feel funny peculiar' but then, if your radar is off or the grown up is sly, that is not enough.
So, it's: 'a grown up who tries to talk to you / cuddle you / show you things that are meant for another grown up'. Its tricky, isn't it?

Am on my phone in a waiting room so excuse any typos!

It is hard yes, you have to be careful as sometimes it is ok for an adult to cuddle you.

Does your child have an understanding of sex within an adult relationship? I think what I'd say is that some adults like to have that sort of adult sexual relationship with a child and that that is wrong.

Its very hard as you don't want to make them think all adults have ulterior motives but you want to keep them safe too.

Will reply properly once I'm home again!

I know your asking how to explain pedophile to your DS personally I don't think you have to go into too much sexually explicit info, but I think it's really important to tell children the proper names for their body parts.

Having family/pet names for genitals can be confusing for the listener if sexual abuse is disclosed, when I attended a recent trg course the facilitator stated that because adults are reluctant to use the correct names for vagina and penis a number of sexual abuse cases have been ignored because young children are disclosing abuse, but the adult doesn't know what they are talking about, also makes it hard if a child ever has to go to court

Explain that they do not have to let people touch them in ways they don't want to be touched; hugged, kissed etc. If they say they don't want to kiss granny goodbye/give her a cuddle they shouldn't be forced to, as it helps reduce their autonomy, they also learn that in one situation they have to do what they are told by an adult, then the next you are saying don't let somebody touch you if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

They should not let anybody touch their genitals; or areas covered by their swimsuits.

Tell mum, dad or another trusted adult if somebody does something they are uncomfortable with or anybody gives them a present(s) and tells them to keep it secret, or if somebody does something they are uncomfortable with and tells them if they tell harm will come to them if they tell.

Once children have an awareness of the above then you may find it easier to talk about Paedophiles generally.

BBC site

NSPCC site