i need to rant before i explode

[davidsotherhalf]

sorry but my friend has made me so angry, her dd is 12 nearly 13 (sn)she is in ms school. she is being punished everyday, ie school have 0ne way system and her dd went one step past the classroom doorway to ask teacher in front of her where the room was as she was lost, teacher said its next to you but you will have to walk right round one way system again. her dd got detention for trying to turn around on one way system, got another for being late for class,her dd keeps wetting herself in school. my friend applied for a statement for her dd 4yrs ago but was refused, so she gave up and asked her dh to take over. all he keeps doing is apply every 3 months for statement, he gets refused and waits another 3 months, i have told my friend what needs to be done but she just ignores me and says dh will sort it. i'm so upset and angry for her dd.

If you ask her DH if you can help at all with the statement request, will he take you up on the offer of help?

What sn does the girl have?

Sn is completely different to school having dumb rules, tbh. They either need to get a dx, or back up their application with evidence, or start a dialogue with school about support.

That said, if they are happy with the status quo, there is nothing you can do. Sad, but unfortunately, true.

i offered to help and he just doesn't listen to me, he says he knows how it works, he's going away with work for 3 months so will be out of the country, his dd is in bits, she can't cope in ms school. his dd has been to see a specialist about muscle problems, she was told not to do p e, they sent medical certificate to school with letter, teacher made her do p,e then because she struggled gave her detention, this stuff is happening every day, think i must care too much, all i can see is their dd being punished for her sn and them sitting back and letting this happen. i have to keep biting my tongue and walking away.

she has asd, severe learning diff, muscle problems, dislexia, all dx, lea won't even assess, she is working at age 3/4

So she's working on p scales?

To be frank, she must already have support in ms if she's nearly 13. Some schools provide support without a statement. Not even a shite school could cope with an sld child who couldn't read or write heading into gcses without any support. The LA are obviously content that she has the required support in place without a statement.

yes, unfortunately, I think all you can do is offer to help. If they do not take you up on it, unless there is actual neglect or abuse involved, which it sounds like there isn't, you need to step back and allow them to raise their child as they see fit.

she has a t,a at breaktimes, if she can't do the work she's punished, all i want to do is help them and their dd, my friend wants her to go to ss but thinks it will happen on it's own without them pushing or fighting, i have been supporting them, we know how much schools b/s us parents but they see broken promises from school and sit back and say ok no problem.

I think ms schools sometimes use the discipline policy to get a child excluded because it's the fastest route to proving they need ss.

You can't push yourself or your views onto them. All you can do is let them know that you have knowledge and access to resources as well as time available should they ever want an ear or help.

Then I'm afraid you'll have to just sit back and wait and try hard not to be judgemental if/when they finally come knocking.

i'm not pushing my views on them or judging them really, i'm just stressed as everytime things go wrong at school or lea refuse to assess they come running and crying to me, i give them a shoulder to cry on, offer to help, etc but after years of this it's getting me down as all i can see is their dd suffering.sorry but i hate seeing dc hurting like this.

I'm not suggesting you're doing anything wrong, but I can't see how you can make them listen to you, even if they should.

Its a difficult one isnt it. I can appreciate its hard to bite your tongue if from the outside you see a child suffering from your own point of view.

But the difficult thing is you or your friend have no place to do anything other than give support and advice when needed. Wether they take you up on it there is nothing you can do however frustrated you feel. :)

The only thing I can think of is the next time they do come crying as you say. Be blunt and tell them that you have no other advice to give other than what has already been given and if you dont want to follow that you cannot see anyway of helping them as this could go on forever. Leave it well alone then and let them deal with their own affairs as that would be best.

So she is being supported in school - she has a pretty much ft TA (she wouldn't get break time support without being supported in lessons as well), and a set of expectations concerning routine and behaviour, which you see as punishment.

The LA are refusing statement because the school are already supplying ft TA, and a statement would make no difference to outcome.

The parents are seemingly happy.

There really isn't any more you can do, and you don't know enough about the situation to judge appropriately tbh.

If your friend wants dd to go to ss, she needs to get a file together of all of the failed Ieps, a decent report showing which p - levels she is working at (I strongly doubt she is working at 3/4 yo level - ms would not be appropriate in any way) and she needs to start visiting ss and discussing with her dd's paediatrician an appropriate outcome. A paed will often discuss settings with the education officer. That said, if the LA are adamant that the dd's needs are being met by ft TA where she is, they won't back ss.

I really do wonder if all the 'discipline' is a route to the school excluding her in her own best interests.

They are under so much pressure to pretend they can integrate and successfully all children, no matter what their needs, that sometimes permanent exclusion is their only genuine (rather than theoretical but almost never works) route to get the LA to either issue a statement in the first place, or change the school.

Excluded, a good PRU would rapidly get her shifted to a 11-19 local SS.

'Integrate and successfully educate'

Blasted clumsy finger/ posh phone combination