Friendless AS ds :(

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My lovely, bright, sweet-natured, 10 year old boy with mild AS has no friends. He is in a mainstream school and the kids accept him and like him but he has no friends. At first he seemed okay about it, enjoying his own company as Aspergers kids do. But now he really minds.

He's noticed that his playdates are often cancelled (mums say yes to my face cos they're nice but then cancel by text cos their kids don't want to come). He recently broke down in tears in the playground at the last cancellation. When boys come over to play, they always have a great time, but he never gets invited back. He's noticed that his younger brother is much in demand for playdates - this has caused a lot of bad feeling between them.

His AS traits make him reticent, not good at chit chat and eye contact, and a bit 'different', but he can pass as 'normal', have a laugh, play the usual sort of games, etc.

He has a great time at Cubs, where you feel like you belong even without friends, but can anyone suggest anything else where he might be able to make some friendships? Or anything to try? Anything at all?

He'll be at secondary soon where many on the spectrum actually have a wide enough pool of people around to make friends for the first time - so don't fret long term will you?

Look for any common interest groups where the passion for the subject at hand can override any social deficits

Historical Reenactment societies - these can be a chance for the whole family to get involved too.
Chess Club (my Aspie ex's route to a social life)
Music groups (lead guitarist is ALWAYS popular by default)
St Johns Ambulance has a wicked youth group for youngsters
Football clubs (if he is sporty)
Agility training with the pet dog, (I'm considering this for DS in a few years)
World of Warcraft workshops - these contain LOTS of aspies
Gospel Choir
Sea Cadets
Volunteering to muck out at a stables, canal cleaning or community gardening projects etc
Sailing clubs (not canoeing or swimming or surfing as that's an individual sport)
Lots of councils do arts/crafts/drama activities over the summer for kids
karate club
cookery classes

xx

He sounds very like my DS2 who is 11. He remembers fondly the craze for playing tig that lasted for a while, its the only time he ever really managed to join in at break time. He is at a fairly small school and all the other boys seem to play football (even those who are not that into it but are more socially conformist than DS2) which he will not contemplate!

I have hopes for high school next year, the learning support teacher has said she will ask the teachers who used to run the school Warhammer club if they would reactivate it next term (its one of the reasons I chose the school the list of clubs suitable for geeky children).

DH was a loner at Primary but then he found life time friends in the lunchtime computer club and the wednesday afternoon Gaming club (I never need to wonder where DS2 gets it from).

We have a similar issue. Have you tried your local AS support group. Ours runs weekly youth clubs for children with AS/ASD.

I second AS groups as a start.

Can I also say that DD had no friends at primary either :(. She is in second year of Secondary School and has a few good friends now, and often has outings with friends who accept her for what she is.

He is a bit young yet, and I KNOW this is contraversial, but as soon as DD hit 1st year, I allowed her to have a (supervised) facebook. She juts found it easier to talk to people online, and her wicked sense of humour came through.It spilled on to her day to day interraction IYSWIM as it gave her confidence.

Suzanne I agree with the online thing. DS communicates far better with my parents on Skype messenger than face to face.

It's reassuring to hear that secondary school might be easier for our children.

The first year was hard for her to settle in, but this year has been pretty good, apart from the inevitable hormones and teenage strops.Mix that with Aspergers and we have a ticking time bomb :o

I also have the problems that she is very pretty (although she would deny this), with a far too developed chest for a 13 year old , and now we have BOYS. We had a bf that liked her, but she dumped him cos he was "too clingy", cos he wanted to see her more than once a week :o.

We have now had to get her books on the social skills of teens. She is also trying to develop a fashun sense to fit in, cos before that it was trainers and trackies.:o

Good on her Susanne. Who wants boys who are too keen eh!!

DH and I have said that we will try to keep him as fashionable as possible so that he doesn't stick out for not knowing what to wear as he sticks out anyway so doesn't need anything else to make him "different" to the other kids. My parents didn't do fashion. I struggled to try to wear the right things but I didn't know how or what. DH always knows what to wear so he'll keep our little dude in the right clothes.

Where are you based? I think it's easier for asd kids in places that are a bit more multicultural, where there are plenty of outsiders. DS is friends with a muslim boy and a Russian girl. He is not really accepted by fellow Brits. This is one reason I won't be moving to a rural area anytime soon

DS1 is 6 and he's the same. No friends at School. can play on a one to one but peers are only 6 and it's difficult. He only knows how to play tig. he has no imagination. He can make things till the cows come home and can be creative in what he'll use and how he does it. However, the ideas for what he'll make are reqpetitive. if i see another version of the titanic aarrgggghhh :-)

when his friend was round I ended up sending my 3 year old to play with him. sounds v similar to your situ. v sociable 3 year old. hoping it'll rub off one day even a little bit. but more so the 3 year old starts at same school this year and God help anyone who does anything to his brother. lol

I looked at the NAS website. they had this... www.autism.org.uk/working-with/education/educational-professionals-in-schools/lessons-and-breaktimes/education-classroom-and-playground-support-for-children-with-autism-spectrum-disorders.aspx

It hurts so much, doesn't it? My two both have autism. My youngest doesn't know and doesn't care. My eldest cares very much. Only the other day he was saying that he wished he wasn't autistic

They used to go to a scheme called Fairplay, is there anything similar in your area? here

bochead has given you a great list, and I'd agree that many of our children find secondary easier.
My DS does go kayaking which he found suited him because sailing was too tricky and did involve another person. However, the club he goes to involves playing a lot of games on the water, so co-operation and interaction is a huge part of it.
I also agree that DS has found facebook and the online games communities helped to develop both is communication skills and his redrafting abilities.
He then started editing things in his head before speaking, which helped.

This thread sounds just like my 11yo DS, who last night admitted he plays with DS2 who is 5 at playtimes because 'he never laughs at me' it broke my heart :(.

Thanks for that list Bochead - we do Scouts but I am going to try and get DS out there a bit more.