Upset by friend laughing at SN

[flowwithit]

A non close friend of mine was telling a story about someone she knows with SEN she was laughing and unkind. She knows I have just got dx of ASD for my son who is 11yrs. I had to listen to her and the whole time I was thinking this is what will happen to my lovely Ds, his differences and difficulties will be laughed at and told at dinner parties like a funny story! I was upset inside but composed myself and told her that it sounds like he has undiagnosed autism. He is nearly 50 so they wouldn't have known it was that then. I am still upset now. I think I am very sensitive anyway at the moment as dx is recent and we have been reading the assesment report and trying to get support for him at school as he is very anxious. It has been a stressful year as ds went down hill fast and I have been very worried about him. Just want to get to summer holidays now.

It's frustrating. If you say something, sometimes people think you're overreacting, but if you say nothing, it's seems to encourage it to continue. But I don't like to just let it go without saying something.

A friend's nephew is disabled, so she is quite quick to say something in these situations. She's less than subtle as well (think close to "anvil on head" ). So I generally just let her do what she does best and then I back her up.

Thanks triggles she was embarrassed and the rest of the table went quiet. I hate the limelight so instantly wished I kept my mouth shut. I think I need to grow a thicker skin.

I think you were right to say something and if she was embarrassed by her foot in mouth then good. Perhaps it will make her think twice next time.

A few times people, friends or friends of recently have said things like "oh he looks a bit special" of their NT kids wearing something silly or described themselves as having a "special moment" when they had done something silly. It really stings and its like they don't get that that is offensive to my DD. I am not sure how to handle it as am extremely sensitive atm and also know it'd cause a scene but ultimately I will have to say something I think-not sure what? But good thread, its made me realise I am not doing my DD any favours letting these things pass.

Agree with alison

I think you were absolutely right to say something. I hope I would have too.
My DS is 15 and never tells anyone about his DX and we live in a small village where everything goes round so I never say anything either, for the sake of his privacy. It can be awkward and I get irritated sometimes by feeling I am acting as though his ASD is something to hide. But the harsh reality is that letting people know would give them an extra weapon; school is tough enough without that! It shouldn't be like this and the more people let comments go by, the more that attitude prevails. So good on you, particularly when you are (understandably) sensitive. (Me too.)

Realistically, that's the only way this type of thing is going to change - by people saying "that's not appropriate" to those who are saying something upsetting or offensive.

Totally agree, it isn't acceptable yet is seen as being ok by people who wouldn't dream of making a comment that could be seen as for example racist or homophobic.

You are right in saying something and putting her on the spot. I hope she felt really uncomfortable.

Had an issue with DS the other week as I discreetly told a neighbour that ds had AS and tourettes. He was out playing on his scooter and let out a funny yelp at the time. I overheard this other woman saying "dont let your kids near that one he has "fuckit syndrome"

I addressed her point blank and told her to read the internet and you will find the name is tourettes and no he doesnt have full blown but no doubt he will pick a bit up from her if he stood near her garden fence long enough from the amount of language that comes out of her mouth.

I agree with used2b - when we were at GOSH recently we were talking with some other parents who have all had this experience - ours was with someone calling my son a spaz - if these people were Homophobic or Racist others would frown upon them, but not with disability, for some reason this is allowed to be acceptable. Not helped I think by some of the supposedly 'comic' portrayals on the television.

It needs to be seen in same light - but maybe disabled people/children/their families are not at this point of feeling socialy strong enough, and somehow this has to change.
If we retaliate its just seen as 'touching a nerve' - why the difference in expectation?