Hiding behaviour at school

[KOKOagainandagain]

Just learning that DS is not the only child that is a different person at home and at school (and assessments). This has been trotted out to argue that there is no problem at school - just at home (parents fault of course) - although this has been increasingly difficult to argue as the learning gap widens year on year. LEA EP got around this by arguing that anxiety was the cause of lack of progress. If there were a 'real' problem (as opposed to an imagined one) it would be apparent all the time not just in some circumstances.

Is it normal for a child considered extremely shy, barely speaks at school, to upload videos to YouTube reviewing a Nerf gun (over 8 mins) and his scooter (over 6 minutes) (obsessions)? He has always had a problem throwing things away - every single scrap of paper has to be kept - but he has now started collecting empty and half-empty drink cans which he has lined up on a shelf in his room. Is this 'normal'? I have been viewing behaviour as idiosyncratic or caused by specific learning difficulties - I can't tell what is normal anymore.

How common is it for DC to pass as 'normal' and how can you get around it?

Hi Keepon

Just to say, sorry no answers, but you have all my sympathy.
I have a child just like this.
School / Pead have taken to outright sneering at me for any suggestion child is struggling.
Child uses coping mechanisms at school and collapses at home.
They say therefore all home prob.
I say, the greater the differential, the greater the stress the child is under.

I will watch this thread with interest for suggestions of how you can get around it.x

School, that EP and LEA have failed and are failing your son here.

Some children who have additional support needs bottle up all the frustrations of the school day by conforming at school (or school thinking they are conforming because many staff do not recognise children with additional needs, they are simply not trained to do so). Often this situation arises at school because the childs additional needs there are simply not being met.

What you describe in your second paragraph re his behaviour warrants further investigation. I would advise you to see the GP and have your son referred to a developmental peadiatrician if this has not already happened.

So sorry you're struggling with this. It must be very frustrating.

DS2 doesn't care where he misbehaves - he's quite happy to go OTT anywhere and everywhere - so the school are well aware of his behaviour issues. Not sure how much better that is in some respects, but he's definitely not hiding anything!

Have you tried taking videos of some of the behaviours, especially any meltdowns? Note the time, showing that it's (for example) directly after school.

I wonder if he perhaps IS struggling in school, it's just that they are not recognising the signs, maybe they are more subtle. Our DS2 doesn't understand that he has SNs or that his behaviour is not "normal" and therefore makes no attempt to hide it IYSWIM. If your child is aware that these things are not the norm, he may be making efforts to avoid others seeing it - but you'd think there were some signs, however, just less obvious. If that makes any sense.

Sorry... had no coffee yet... my brain is still moving into gear.

Thanks for the replies.

Last year DS's HT was supportive but unfortunately he has taken early retirement and been replaced with an absolute bastard who is seriously pssing me off at the moment. Of course he is desperate to show progress - which he is convinced is just around the corner 'if only they had him for an extra year' and so we have gone backwards despite diagnosis of dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, inattentive ADHD, low working memory, auditory processing difficulites and the rest. At the last meeting with him he was rude and dismissive - I actually said 'Hello..' when he blanked a direct question and then he ineffectually attempted to stifle his laughter (combined with eye rolling) whilst discussing DS's vulnerability.

Previous head would muse about semantic/pragmatic issues and say he wished he was disruptive and caused problems for others.

I am very wary of recording a meltdown - I have tried this is the past and it did not go well - enraged DS whilst school kindly made an emergency call to SS. Pick up time came with no communication and the Senco and male deputy head wisked my kids away. Deputy head acted as 'bouncer' every time I was on school property and I was not allowed to be alone with a member of staff. Luckily DS is no longer at the school - transferred due to school phobia.

Do I have to take DS to the appointment with the GP. There's stuff I don't want him to hear and also I don't want him to act normal (insane though that may sound)?

Do you have someone going in to meetings with you? Like a friend or someone in an official capacity that's on your side?

It's so aggravating that they only help children that are disruptive while others fade into the background. Does he have an IEP?

DH comes to meetings. In the past TASC (behaviour support) attended when things got frosty.

He has had an IEP (with SMART targets) for four years which has achieved sweet FA. At his old school the targets were reduced when he didn't meet them. They cynically used to do what they were supposed to the day before review. They seemed to take this out on DS though (hence the school phobia) and so when he moved we went out of our way to build a good relationship with the school and no longer cared what was on the IEP but cared only about what actually happened in practice.

He is on Action+ at the moment and we have applied again for SA as he starts secondary in September (except he is planning on refusing to go where he is registered).

Don't give up please your child needs you!!! I have only just got dx for mine, and I have it sooner than most. DS1 is 6. Honestly, teachers even told the psychiatrist that apart from academia they see no problems with him; despite the fact he doesn't have any friends and withdraw in the playground, oh and won't wear underwear etc. is your DC rulebound? that would explain a lot - certainly does for us. A good psych can see through all those things. honestly it shouldn't need to be this hard. bout time us parents got a bit of respect. feeling so bad for you.

What's 'rulebound'?

He dosen't do flexibility if that is what it means. Sometime he copes worse than others - eg he pulled a conventiently placed kitchen knife on DH when plans to go the the scootering park had to be changed. Other times it concerns him but he copes - we stopped off unexpectedly on the way to grandparents at a theme park on the way as a nice surprise (DH's idea) but DS spent the whole time asking whether we would be there by now if we hadn't stopped off.

I don't intend to give up - I am pissed off with myself because I have played the LEA game and focused on maths and literacy and progress and have not even mentioned behavioural issues because of the way they have been used in the past.

at school they have rules and DS1 cannot not follow them at all, to a point where only once have i been called on about his behaviour all year and even then they were more concerned about the fact he didnt seem to hear them telling him something. that's what i call rulebound, probably made it up sorry :-)

I have a Dd who hides her difficulties very well at school.

Her new school are much better at spotting when she is struggling and have helped us to get a dx for her.

The old school denied there were any problems at school, despite her being grey some days when we picked her up and unable to talk to us for a considerable time on the way home.

She was often anxious to the point of either being in pain or vomitting and she used to walk around the playground on the edging stones but according to the HT there were no issues.

She searches you tube for songs by her favourite singers and the sings the karyoke stlye for us. Insescently.

No real advice sorry but you are not alone.

Good luck

Oh sorry meant to say, about the rule thing. Dd3 likes rules and has no difficulty following most school rules, however at her old school there were so many rules that she struggled to keep up especially when she feels the need to check that everyone else is following the rules too.

She is much more relaxed at school now.

I've been pondering this and have just noticed that DS went from a child who 'strives dilegently to produce his best work' in the 1st term of reception to 'at times he does not give of his best. He is capable of good results when he is concentrating but must avoid a tendency to daydream and talk' in the second term of reception year.

In the first term he was described as 'quiet and self-contained' but I know from teachers' evening that behaviour had been a problem and there had been at least one incident of physical aggression towards the class teacher.

Could this have been when he started to attempt to hide his behavioural problems? Could the inability to work independently be the cost he had to pay to control his behaviour? By year 1 he was barely working at all - blank pages or date and title but nothing else - and still (Year 6) doesn't write the date and title without prompting.

I think some children struggle so much to deal with what is going on around them:
The noise, the poor lighting,humming from the lights, the reflection off the whiteboard, the smell of the lunch cooking, sweaty PE kit I could go on,
That they find it very difficult to concentrate on the job in hand ie their work.

I think often people forget or dont' even know how stressfull all this sensory overload can be. But they are quick to critisise when the work isn't done.