Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

So Upset

27 replies

sazza76 · 21/05/2012 09:19

Hi
I will try to keep it brief, I'm looking for advice please.

My son is 3 and was diagnosed with ASD last November. Since he was tiny we had been going weekly to a neighbours house who had a baby a few months older. Ever since I mentioned my concerns last September she changed. She made every excuse not to see us. We saw her twice between then & Xmas. Everytime I mentioned my son she changed the subject abruptly. As you can imagine I was upset & angry for many reasons. He was uninvited to their wedding & bday party. So i've just stayed away from them.

We live in a small cul de sac with 8 houses, we're right in the middle. Always loved living here and got on well with neighbours. Now many are ignoring me, & she has got friendly with those with children. They are having a jubilee party outside my house & i'm not invited.

What would you do? I'm still reeling from my sons diagnosis & my mum being diagnosed with incurable cancer the same week. I hate leaving the house incase we get ignored. I dont know what to do, i'm sorry if this was the wrong place to post.

Sazzy

OP posts:
Triggles · 21/05/2012 09:34

Have you simply asked her if there's a problem? Or one of the other parents that you used to get on well with? I find the direct approach, just calm without being accusing, generally works best. Is it possible that it is regarding something else entirely? I know sometimes it's easy to think it's related to your child's SNs, because that's always in the forefront of our minds.

Yes, there is a possibility that they do not know what to say or do around you, so therefore are avoiding you. It's unfortunate, but it does happen.

Bit rude having a neighbourhood jubilee party right outside and not inviting you. How did you find out about the party? Were there actual invites? Or did everyone just assume someone else already told you about it...?

PipinJo · 21/05/2012 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

robotcornysilk · 21/05/2012 09:40

she sounds absolutely horrible and incredibly rude. Have you asked the other neighbours why you aren't invited?

Original poster
sazza76 · 21/05/2012 09:56

Thank you everyone
No I haven't asked yet but I think i'm going to have to. The orhinal falling out was definately about my sons ASD, i'm guessing she's told a different story to other neighbours I dont think they are like that. The original woman is very pfb and i'm she's made it obvious she doesnt want my son around her daughter. Her daughter is some kind of genious and last time I saw her I listened to an hour of hoe stressfull school application was for her as shes so far ahead she needs to be in the right school and mix eith right people. I said my son starts speech therapy after xmas just as a way of bringing him into things, she said thats good picked up her ipad and started searching for party entertainers for her daughters party that was 6 months away.
I found out about the party as they were discussing it in my next doors back garden. We did the same for the royal wedding only then I was very involved.
I'm not very good at confronting people. & i'm emotional so don't want to disolve. I need to choose the right time. Thank you again.

OP posts:
Original poster
sazza76 · 21/05/2012 09:58

Also my son hasnt done anything wrong at all, he hasnt behaved badly around anyone, he's the same little boy thats spent hours in her house since he was tiny. I could maybe see her side a little if he had been hitting or breaking things but he hasnt.
I really need to grow an extra skin dont I.

OP posts:
robotcornysilk · 21/05/2012 10:04

what a bitch
tell one of the nicer neighbours what's happened - bet they don't know

Triggles · 21/05/2012 10:07

"mix with the right people"

pretty much says it all then.

It's ridiculous, really. Does she think that ASD is contagious or something? Hmm

yes, we're still working on that thicker skin as well...

Original poster
sazza76 · 21/05/2012 10:11

See I wasn't planning on telling people how she had behaved. The way I see things is that if 2 people fall out its between them. Especially as we all have to live together but she's obviously thought otherwise. It just seems like the ultimate in kicking someone while their down and I'm surprised at other people who i've always got on with suddenly not talking to me. I just feel really disapointed in peoples behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
sazza76 · 21/05/2012 10:12

I've been gobsmacked about so many peoples ignorance about ASD. Yes maybe if anyone asks me why we fell out I should just say incase her daughter catches Autism!

OP posts:
Triggles · 21/05/2012 10:16

I suppose you could approach one of the other neighbours and ask. Just say "she stopped talking to me immediately after she found out our child had ASD. But of course, that CAN'T be the problem, because who would drop you over something like that?! It's not only ridiculous, it's just insane! Does she think it's catching?? ... No seriously, it can't be that. But what else could it be?" Hmm

MamaMaiasaura · 21/05/2012 10:22

sazza just wanted to say hello and not really sure how I'd deal with it, as I'd probably dissolve is tears. We got our dx for ds2 (4) couple weeks ago and I understand you are still reeling over it. Your neighbour sounds a bitch. I've not even told my best friend yet and only a few people know about ds. I will tell more people but I don't want I let everyone know as I worry they'll treat him differently. Sad

Original poster
sazza76 · 21/05/2012 10:33

Thank you tiggles that good advice. I dont want to come across as i'm the bitch.
MamaM how are you doing with it all? I' ve found it all like a rollercoaster all up and down. Its the tears thing that stopped me saying anything so far. I would say Tell people if and when you feel up to it. If you want to chat feel free to PM me. Your not alone x

OP posts:
theDudesmummy · 21/05/2012 11:22

Sazza, really sorry you are going through this. We have had some surprising reactions from friends about our DS's diagnosis of ASD, but everyone has now become really helpful. The first reaction of some was "oh, my God how awful, I am so sorry for you", and I did not like that at all. But when we explained that we did not want people's pity and we were not going to view this as "awful" then people mostly came round and have been lovely. You don't sound like the bitch btw, she does.

Original poster
sazza76 · 21/05/2012 11:43

Thank you dudesmummy. I know what you mean, I don't want sympathy and I found it odd when I got it from some people. He's the same child he's always been, nothing had changed for us so we didnt need sympathy. All we wanted really was undetstanding. I'm hoping this woman is the exception not the norm!

OP posts:
Penneyanne · 21/05/2012 12:05

Sazza, this happened me recently and ds is 12Sad. He was dx with AS in February 2011 and we only told a few people outside of family. One of the parents I told was a lovely mum from school who ds was fairly friendly with and she was very understanding etc. Then last month ds came home and said the friend was having a big birthday party on Sunday that week and ds wasnt invited. He heard the lad saying 'dont let ds see the invites as I dont want him at my party'. I was so hurt at the mother mainly as she knew what it would mean to ds-he never gets asked to parties etc.Sad.I think I need to toughen up more than dsHmm. Unfortunately this happens and often from those we least expect it from. Dont let it get you down!

Original poster
sazza76 · 21/05/2012 18:58

Thats awful Penneyanne, that would have really upset me too. It's worse when it's people you don't expect it from. I hope your son is ok. I really thought the world had moved on and people would be more understanding, after all anything could happen to anyone. My next foor neighbour waited until my son had finished having a tantrum about going in the house today before she left her house. I should have stayed out there with him so she missed the school run!

OP posts:
Penneyanne · 21/05/2012 19:16

Its ignorance and a complete lack of understanding isn't it? Its very much a case of " I'm all right Jack,my kids are normal". GrrhAngry. Hope you are feeling better SazzaSmile

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 21/05/2012 22:01

Sazza, think of it that your DS has rescued you from a 'friend' who must have always been really shallow and vile, but without your DS's ASD you might never have realised what a bitch she was. You have lost nothing that was worth losing, you have the moral high ground and she has revealed herself as a prize bitch. You can now happily waste no more time on her, but do make an effort with those people she has tried to poison against you.

Most people are actually lovely, even if they don't always know the right thing to say or do. SN isn't in most people's experience but I would say that most people mean well, even if they get it wrong. This woman obviously isn't 'most people' but hopefully your other neighbours are.

mariasalome · 22/05/2012 17:34

Lots of apparent child geniuses end up with an ASD diagnosis. If her child is already "not like the others" she may well be illogically scared of pfb catching asd by being exposed to your dc.

Gottalovecosta · 22/05/2012 18:58

Gosh what a vile woman. I'd be very upset too if it were me. Sadly, it seems an ASD diagnosis shows who your true friends/family members are. BIL turned his back on us following DS's diagnosis and I have stopped talking to my dad after he blamed Ds' behaviour on my parenting.

saintlyjimjams · 22/05/2012 19:16

Ah the ASD friendship filter. It's very upsetting at the time but it is better to have these people out of your life.

I would ask the neighbours as well - even saying something like 'I didn't realise there was a jubilee party - what can I do to help?' (invite yourself). Then once you're chatting about other things dig a bit and find out what the woman has been saying.

madwomanintheattic · 22/05/2012 19:32

I'm with jimjams. Just ask one of the neighbours what you can bring for the street party, as somehow it doesn't seem as though you've been allocated anything.

Don't sweat it. Take a deep breath and carry on as normal. You have nothing to be ashamed about.

Child geniuses bring their own set of problems though. Don't be too dismissive.

Original poster
sazza76 · 22/05/2012 22:30

Thank you everybody, I will give myself a few days to straighten my brain out and then say something about the party to someone.
Her daughter isn't actually a child genius I don't think, she talked early but other than that seems like most 3 year olds. Its just the parents who think she's a genius.
It's so nice of you all to reply, this is a fantastic board. I 'lurked' on here for a while before my son was diagnosed and it was actually through this board I convinced my DH we needed to get our son assessed. I've since de-lurked myself and try to offer help if I can but this is still quite new. Your all fab xx

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 22/05/2012 22:37

Good luck!

I think often that type of person is just embarrassed and doesn't know what to say. They really are a bunch of chocolate teapots and one day you will be pleased not to have to bother with them.

We did lose some friends when ds1 was dxed over 10 years ago, but I have such a great bunch of friends now I can barely remember the names of those who became too embarrassed to say the A word. Like your son, mine was no trouble, and when he was dxed aged 2 was very passive and easy to be around (he's a bit harder work now Grin but not then).

starfishmummy · 23/05/2012 12:38

Just on a practical note, can you arrange a really special day/afternoon out for your son when they are having the party??