Asperger's and puberty/teenage years

[BlogOnTheTyne]

DS, aged 11, with HF Asps is starting puberty (all bodily signs) and is becoming increasingly difficult to manage at home. From the moment he wakes, he's grumpy, moody, reactive, exactly like a Kevin-The-Teenager and is also becoming physically aggressive at times - eg in the heat of a fight, will bite his brother, who unfortunately provokes him some of the time.

DS is either worrying and anxious (he has lots of fears) or basically moody and angry. He has rigid routines and ways of doing things and gets incredibly upset if these can't be followed through. I make allowances when appropriate, as I can see that the combination of Asps and puberty is difficult.

However, he will need to learn to manage life in the world outside of home and eventually work with people who won't make the same allowances and who won't know him as well as his family. He is fine at school (mainstream), able to be selective about where he shows his most challenging behaviour - and has had a small set of friends similar to him (think 'geeks' with Asps and G & T academically). But there are signs of even them beginning to find some of his controlling and insensitive ways difficult.

How can I help him to chart the waters of adolescence, as he starts senior school in September? I'm never quite sure how much to 'make allowances' and how much to enable him to accept the 'norms of society' and realise he can't 'rule the world', as he tries to rule the home and family?

There are still lovely glimpses of the little boy he was but these are ever decreasing and I fear the years to come. Is there anyone here 'on the other side' of this time, who's DC has emerged safely and happily - or will I have to accept that DS will face a lifetime of challenges and loneliness?

To be honest I think you are just facing the onset of puberty in a boy!!! The Aspergers may enhance the difficulties, but there is many an adolescent boy who is absolutely vile in all the ways you describe, without any additional diagnosis (check out the teen board!!)

I say that as the parent to a nearly 15 year old with Autism and to a 19 year old who was THE most vile, and violent young man between the ages of 13 -16. Both of them found the onset of puberty challenging, and yes for my DS2 his anxiety levels increased..are still increased and he has become more rigid in some respects. However we are very lucky that he isn't, and has never been, aggressive towards others.. when very distressed he hurts himself which is horrible.

Elder son however, switched from being a loving little boy to a lying, stealing, intolerant, and violent stranger who put us through just about every scenario you can think of... I honestly thought we would have to to throw him out at one stage.

BUT at 16 he started to calm a little.. at 17 he was definitely on the up, and now at 19 he has a full time job, is back to the loving, kind and funny boy he was before... (it's like a bloody miracle!)

I think all you can do is keep the boundaries, because AS or no AS ,your teen will push them. You can make allowances for his rigidity of thought..he can't help that.. but you do NOT have to accept physical aggression from him. If he can control his behaviour at school and with friends then he has a good grip on himself.. some fall out at home is normal with AS.. treating you badly isn't.

He will probably become human again in a few years .

Thanks for your message, Medusa. That's helpful to know - in some ways - that it may be general teenage stuff (even at 11!) anyway and that there may be a better future.

I've talked today with him about his aggression and he says that if he could get a Nerf Gun, like his brother and play-shoot, then this would 'channel his anger'. That sounded interesting and I may give this a try but I've told him he really must promise to shoot only targets or near the ground, if with brother and never at head/eyes or anything else. Maybe he just needs a channel for testosterone. He hates all sports so isn't into getting out aggression through football etc.

I've also been talking privately to his brother about how and why DS (with Asps) is becoming even more difficult and he's trying to be more understanding but it's v hard. Hard for me too! Just even a moment ago, DS (with Asps) got overexcited and thrashed a precious apple tree in the garden with a stick and was delighted at me being upset...but minutes later he was v apologetic and contrite and has been apologising again and again ever since. He veers from one state to another and then back again. It's exhausting.

Pipin, he's not nearly 'bad enough' to merit any kind of disability team intervention. He's always been at MT school (in fact one that's academically selective and is in the G & T lot for some things there) and has always fallen 'just under' the clinical diagnosis for Asps when he was assessed 4 times as a younger child (2 NHS and 2 private assessments) because he's 'good' at social skills compared with some people with Asps. but terrible, compared with NT children.

I'd rather try to manage things at home, if I can - and without any meds. He's rigidly controlling and has various obsessive ways - not classical OCD but rigid things like, "We MUST arrive at school BY 7.45am and if we are there after 8am, I will hate you forever, Mummy and will not say goodbye and remain angry all day". We've just had that one this morning and even though we arrived by 7.43am, because he THOUGHT we would be there after 8am, he was furious and refused to 'make friends' or say goodbye to me.

I feel like I need to pick my battles, not give in, yet not allow every single situation to lead to a meltdown. Is this the right approach? His brother gets frustrated that DS (with Asps) HAS to be allowed to start first and win at any games he even accepts he'll play (usually won't play with bro. at all) and everyone HAS to abide by his rules.

I worry that as he gets older, even his friends will withdraw from him. He's usually a lot better outside of the home, however and would be appalled if anyone there knew what he behaved like at home. He's one of those children that teachers love but that NT peers find difficult and 'weird'.

Blogonthetyne, I'm having the very same issues as you. Ds ,12, Aspergers,has got so moody and grumpy-constant battles and I dont know whether its his AS or his age. I just cant reason with him anymore-he is so angry about the slightest thing every single day. Like you said, I sometimes catch a glimpse of my lovely,sensitive ds and yearn to have him back

It's So hard, isn't it? Is there anyone else here who's 'out the other side'? I know with NT teenagers, people say it's horrendous but eventually things settle down. Will it be the same for DS? Will he ultimately learn to moderate his moods and extreme views?

Can anyone recommend me a good book about teenagers with Asperger's and how best to weather the storms?

Freaks, Geeks and Asperger's, I think it's called, writted by a young teeneger. It's a bit cranky about food supps so can be taken with a pinch of salt, that bit; the rest is OK for a youngish teen, esp perhaps a boy with Asps.

My re
cently diagnosed 15 year old girl was advised by paed to read' 'Aspergirls' Just when she needed a bit of hope and positivity with new dx etc.. along comes this. Very dispiriting for all involved. The Tony Attwood book, 'Complete guide to Asperger's' is very good but prob better for parent reading than recommending for children.
Good luck, we're struggling big time too. Not a surprising dx, but a huge amount to come to terms with esp with escalating behaviour patterns getting out of control and anxiety, (gcses too).

I wish I could help with weathering the storms. I too, veer from accepting bad behaviour to feeling they need to learn how to modify their actions as the big world is out there.

Good luck

We had a horrendous time from 12 on. DS was really angry (throwing furniture, threatening DH with knives etc). He was on Risperidone for two or three years years. He is now 17 and is so much better that you could almost believe he is "normal". Still has problems socialising, but mostly OK at home.
We picked our battles too. I read "People with Autism behaving badly" and some of the stuff in there helped.
As someone else said, you have to weather the storm, and most of them come out the other side.