Am so fucking upset with dh

[MamaMaiasaura]

Im led in bed feeding dd, and ds2 4 is in tears with dh. Both ds2 and dd full of colds and feeling crap. Ds2 has dx HFA. We had dla forms which highlighted that he can't dress or undress properly yet. So dh has taken it upon himself to "teach" ds2 today. No discussion with me, lots of tears from ds2. Can't move as dd asleep nursing. It's not that ds2 won't it's that he can't. :-((( I am so upset. We only had dx a week and dh trying to make him do something and ds is so upset. Can't stop crying myself.

Don't be upset it isn't a terrible idea to teach him but it should be done gradually and not in one day so it makes him cry, I agree.

Can you talk to DH later when feeling calmer and kids are in bed?

Yes, I am feeling calmer. Good thing about bf releasing all those chill out hormones. Dh is also likely HFA so things can be very literal and he's like a bull in a china shop at times.

He is probably reacting to the Dx by trying to fix things, it is a hard time for you both.

I think that's exactly what he is doing. Ds doesn't need "fixing"

Right dd awake so going down stairs now

Men do sometimes react like that, hopefully it's a short lived phase and he accepts the DX soon.

Have the two of you been offered the NAS help or help plus courses yet? If so make sure DH attends!

Please don't cry as actually DH's reaction is a great one compared to a lot of men. He wants to help his kid rather than ignore the issues or leave it all to you, he just hasn't got the right strategies/tools to use at hs disposal yet. Once he knows what tools to use I get the feeling he'll be an AMAZING Dad to DS - those literal tendencies can be a great help in developing "rules" for DS to follow as a coping strategy.

Everyone reacts to diagnosis in different ways, it's a trying time for lots of couples.

If visual aids help your child and your hubby is good with a computer etc then getting him to create these for you to use to help DS with dressing/daily routines etc could be a great ongoing use of those bull in a china shop tendencies.

I wish I'd had a bloke with a very direct literal manner standing shoulder to shoulder with me in some of the school meetings I've had over the years. This aspect of his personality may turn out to be a real blessing when trying to procure support for your child's education at some point .

Your dh is right to a degree, it is something that your ds will have to learn to do, he is just going about it the wrong way. The emphasis on learn and be taught how to do it and not forced.

I'm calm yup dh was only trying to help and the tears were because ds couldn't even get his top off and was stressed. All ok now. I over reacted (ds didn't know I was upset as I was upstairs). Lack of sleep, worry over all 3 dx for various things going on. When I came down post had been ang was report on ds so it official now. She said "I am very sure xxx is on thE autistic spectrum at the high functioning end. I do not think he has aspergers as he had very slow speech development. However in many ways he is presenting as a boy with aspergers and could be managed as such." she's given me info on a drop in run by autistic society too. She plans to meet with us again soon and will also be having IPAD meeting and looking at teach approach?. Sorry rambling.

Get dh to try something called backward chaining to teach ds to dress so first choose an easy item of clothing say jogging bottoms. Each day dh and you dress ds but when it comes to the jogging bottoms on the first day you don't pull them up quite enough. Then you help and encourage ds to pull them up (use up as a prompt) by hand over hand if needed and praise praise praise and chocolate button reward if you are ok with that. Once he is confident at pulling them up say maybe three inches the next day you leave them six inches down. Each time he is confident you move further back the process of putting on the jogging bottoms one tiny step at a time. When that item is mastered you move onto the next. It's a slow and laborious process but there shouldn't be any tears because you are setting ds up to succeed. Good luck x

That's a brilliant idea. Thank you

Your DH has handled it wrongly I agree but be SO proud of him for his attitude. SO many men retreat into denial and treat the dx as some kind of slight on their virility and ignore their child's needs. Yours has gone into fixing/helping mode which, once he has actually learned the skills that will work is brilliant for your family and ds.

It sounds like he has some learning to do, as do you both. If he needs to do 'something' tell him to buy Hanen More than Words book and work through those, as well as researching ABA.

Good luck, and so sorry for the diagnosis. This is the absolute worst bit for you all. MN SN board is good with research and solutions so keep writing and asking.

And what insanity said.......... It's a typical ABA technique, and pretty much ANYTHING can be taught that way.

However, you keep it just challenging enough, and just rewarding enough to get your ds on board and learning. He will need to love the challenge and the reward that comes with it.