Bullying at school - pls advise what to do?

[tunafortea]

Hi

My Dd is being bullied at school. She is 8. Been going on for over a year.
School are failing to inform me of the incidents. Also refusing to confirm whether incident reports are being filled out or not.
I have complained, in writing.
Each time, HT gets Dd into his office, grills her, Dd clams up, HT claims Dd is confirming 'nothing is happening'.
Dd now sobbing, 'please don't report it mum, I am scared of seeing HT again'.
Dd has SN (significant auditory impairment) so cannot hear the kids coming up to her from behind etc. She may also have other SEN, (still being assessed).

Do I email latest incident details to school, knowing it will result in Dd being dragged in to HT to 'confirm' she is okay?
Do I go to LEA? (given that local head of education has v bad reputation indeed) School has just got a poor OFSTEAD report.
Do I go higher? (where)
No chair of govorners here tho as north of the border.

Sorry its long!
Thank you

FWIW I have a 8 year old without SN and I would expect his teacher to tell me about any incident where he got upset during the day or which necessitated going to the HT. This is not just about SN this is just basic good practice.

I think most 8 year olds would find going to HT daunting

Would it be possible to set up a SN coffee group either in school or at a local cafe and advertise it at school - set it up as support group but with the idea of reaching other parents in similar situations. From the sound of it its unlikely you are the only parent having these battles and can be strength in numbers.

Tuna, i can really sympathise with you and your dd, i had the exact thing, 2 years ago, i could have written your posts.

I think you have 2 problems.

1. The bullying.

1. From what you have said the school appear to be saying that your dd isnt upset by these incidents, its you who is getting upset and making mountains out of mole hills.

I wrote a similar post to this about 2 years ago, ds was getting extremely distress by being bullied, school were saying ds wasnt distressed, i was and this was rubbing off on ds and therefore i was the cause of his distress!

This is certainly what they reported to CAMHS.

Oops. Already sent email saying: 'bizarre'.

You see there is already a homeschool book, a homeschool linkworker, a class teacher, a HT etc and no one told us Dd had banged her head etc. It was serious enough for an incident report, after all.

I know they wont admit it and will blame her for being bullied and me for caring. But I want it logged up as evidence for a school move / homeschooling.

There was a SN coffee group and I was told the HSLW was an integral part. But it all went very pear shaped and I know that one of the members ended up taking him to tribunal. And won.

Sorry, Claw, cross posted.

Yes, this is exactly what they will be reporting to cahms.
Now I have the Dx of the auditory impairment (cahms dont and asked me: 'do you think that is relevant to Dd anxiety then )
When SaLT have done their thing I will be tempted to dispense with cahms if poss. Their advice so far has consisted of: 'briedfly acknowlege anxeity and then distract'. Not rocket science, is it?
Just a caring carrot gravy train, as far as I can see, but a dangerous one when they feel able to Dx the parent with anxiety which they see as unhelpful to the child.

Tuna, you sound like me, i hate all this pussy footing around, i like straight talk, if its bizarre, then just say it kind of thing Never mind, whats sent is sent. Im just trying to think of ways to offer an olive branch so to speak.

Im probably stating the obvious, have you asked for incidents to be recorded in home/school book? Have you recorded in home/school book what your dd reports to you and how distressed she is by the incident?

CAMHS 'not distracting her enough' is code for 'enabling her to dwell on incidents by making a fuss' as they probably believe what school are telling them ie incident has been dealt with in school, dd was happy with the outcome, tells mum and mum makes a fuss'

Which is why i thought it might be worth mentioning dd may appear to be handling it in such a mature way in school, but she is certainly showing signs of distress about the incident at home and why you feel this is ie she appears to be happy with the outcome in school because she clams up or hasnt fully understood what has been said, isnt able to speak up, but feels confident enough to do this at home hence distress at home and not school etc, etc.

Anyhow the fact remains that your dd is being bullied and its not just the odd little incident every now and then and if the root of her distress was being dealt with, she wouldnt be feeling distressed and you wouldnt have to deal with it at home.

Have CAMHS actually said that you suffer with anxiety or just something they have implied?

Hi again Claw

Yes, I tend to call a spade a shovel. Or a crap HT a crap HT.

Yes, have asked for incidents to be in book. HT is bonkers, DHT has removed items from Dd's school records in past, then grinned at me and said 'prove it' and CT tippexes over requests from me in book.

I completely agree with your emphasis on 'appear'. Dd glides along like a swan as far as school think, actually she's drowning

Cahms have implied it SO heavily that I think I need to have a look at my medical records. I did suffer from depression / anx in my 20's (20 years ago) so I suppose that will be enough to hang me? Would they have seen my records tho???

Thanks for your input, it is really helping me!

No they would not have seen your records. I am assuming you have fully recovered from any depression/anxiety since then, so its irrelvent?

Anyhow the turning point for me with CAMHS and school saga was when i actually challenged CAMHS. It was bloody scary, i felt they were implying that i was responsible for ds's anxiety, so i asked them to put it in writing. You would be surprised at how quickly people back down and are not prepared to do so. I was petrified that they would actually say yes you are responsible. But figured its better for me to know exactly what im dealing with and can then challenge any further unfounded 'allegations'.

I can let you have copies of what i wrote if you think this would helpful?

Well I am a bit on the anxious side in general, but not clinically so, iyswim? Also, as Dd's substantial sensory prob not Dx'd until she was over 7, then 'justifiably anx' iyswim

Yes PLEASE to the copies of what you wrote!!!!!!

It is a great idea, actually, to get it out in the open, rather than all this nasty insinuation. If they think it is me (and can prove it) let them say so!

I will dig them out and message them to you, im sure you will get the idea of what to change and put in your own bits. But if you need any help, let me know.

Message sent. Hope its helpful