DD's Teacher wants her to see the SEN nurse. I'm out of my depth with this one.

[PissyDust]

DD3 has always been a challenge which we have found many excuses to cover up for in the past including her being a middle child.

We moved her to a new school in Sept because she wasn't making any friends and had got into some difficult situations and the school said she was a bully (they actually said it was like watching a controlling boyfriend manipulate his girlfriend) she was 7.

I did ask them before we took her out whether the thought she may have some underlining issue but I was told she didn't struggle to concentrate and was sitting above average in her school work so it was just her personality and she would grow out of it.

Her new school teacher doesn't agree and told me today that DD is the natiest child in the class, she will have no friends as she isn't able to let others be themselves and dictates and dominates anyone that will let her anywhere near them.
She finished by saying that I should see our GP about her behaviour and that she wants DD to see the SEN nurse.

I don't understand what this will mean for DD and what to do for the best, I have looked at the boards on SN here but it's like I'm reading a foreign language and I feel a bit sick tbh.

I also feel guilty that I should have spotted it myself and had her seen sooner, she is so very different to my other children (I know they are all different but I mean Different) I have in the past tried stopping different foods and arranging 1:1 playtime - never a success

If you got this far then thank you.

My Dp finds Dd3 very hard work tbh, she is extremely pedantic and he often leaves himself open to her outspoken tongue.

We had to move Dd3 to a different school last year because she was soo unhappy. We were lucky to have a fab inclusive school near to us and she has come along way since being there.

Academically she is doing well in most areas but socially she has considerable difficulties.

Dd1 used to take things that didnt belong to her and Dd3 takes food sometimes without asking even though we have told her it is not allowed (it is usually chocolate).

I think part of the issue with stealing is that they have no idea of the impact this has on other people. Both my Dd's have issues with poor theory of mind which basically means that they are unable to put themselves into someone elses shoes and understan the impact of their actions on others.

To me this is one of the biggest causes of difficulty within the family. My Dd2 who is totally not on the spectrum really suffers from the other 2 having poor theory of mind.

I could have written your post Ineed but in no way as well as you have. you have hit the whole issue on the head so well for me.

I think part of the issue with stealing is that they have no idea of the impact this has on other people. Both my Dd's have issues with poor theory of mind which basically means that they are unable to put themselves into someone elses shoes and understan the impact of their actions on others

THAT is DD, she does know right against wrong because I have taught it to her in the same way that I taught her big sister and the same way I am teaching her little sister.

Big & Little sister understand and more importantly put it in actions for everyday life where DD2 isn't able to put it into practice with friendships and home life.

If I am blunt she has caused hundreads of silly arguments at home and I've come to dread weekends (I work during the week) but now I feel a little relief that someone might be able to help me understand DD better and even help me help her.

I feel very for DD1 & DD3 as they are constantly on the receiving end of DD2's out bursts, she has no real relationship with them as she can't just play or be led into a play situation unless she can instigate some sort of game that includes screaming and general loud/dangerous/stupid/non structured/unimaginative play - delete as appropriate!!

Sorry for all the long posts, i'm just trying to get it all out of my system and I can then have some facts to take with me to the doctor on Tuesday.

I had a conversation with the TA at Dd3's scho who runs the social skills group. We were talking about how Dd3 can talk the talk but not walk the walk.

By that i mean that she can say all the right things about acceptable behaviour and socially acceptable behaviour but when it comes to it she still does the wrong thing. She does not seen to be able to relate the theory with the practice.

She has come a long way in the last 12 months but many of her issues are related to anxiety, she likes to be in control because then she knows what is going to happen to her.

It is very hard work living with these children i have big gaps so mine dont really do much together but Dd2 and 3 dont get on well at all.

Keep coming on here, i am off to bed because i cant see to type know and am really busy at work atm. Will be back on here tomorrow.

Keep smiling and remember your Dd is unlikely to be causing trouble on purpose and you are heading in the right direction to help her.

I spoke to DD's teacher again today and I am going to see the SENCO person before school next Thursday.

Not surre where to start but at least I will have seen the GP by then, again not sure what to say.

I've confided in a good friend who has said she has wondered herself about DD over the years, they are going for a sleepover at her house whilst DH have a well deserved night away.

DD has been quite calm over the last few days, I think she is trying to lie low because she knows we are talking with the school

I would make some notes before you go to the GP, jot down any incidents/ behaviours/ issues that you think are outside "normal" behaviour. What caused it (if you know) and how you dealt with it.

You need to show that you have been at least trying to deal with any incidents because some health proffs will try to blame parents for their childs behaviour. Stand your ground and insist on a referral to a developmental paed.

Sorry for the typos the phone is going bonkers, good luck with your appointments

I did think I could write some incidents down, facts without emotion kind of stuff.

Obsession with the same episode of a pragramme.
Would wear the same outfit until it fell to pieces (or I snatched it in the night)
Stealing things to collect them
screeching rages over tiny things
No friends
Obsessesions with one child and not letting them play with anyone else
Manipulation/lying
Over friendly/over sharing with strangers
Saying things to shock or fill silence.
Unable to play in a group/causing arguments within groups
Unable to attend out of school clubs/disruptive/unfriendly
Very loud all the time.

These are just a few that I can think of and have always been there within reason whilst she has been growing, they were quirks whilst she was little (out spoken, pedantic, matter of fact) but now they are concerning.

Pissy, you also need to make sure that the GP understands that school want her assessed as she is becoming less able to interact appropriately in that environment. Ie school have requested further assessment, not just you.

Professionals sometimes have an annoying habit of taking another professional's word at face value, whereas they sometimes aren't so keen to take a Parent's word iykwim...

That is a good list pissy, what is she like with changes to routines or plans. Does she have any sensory issues other than the clothing thing.

Is she bothered by loud noises( other than made by herself).
Does she hear things before anyone else?
Funny about smells/tastes/textures?
Fussy eater?

I ageee that as they get older quirly behaviours become problem behaviours because other people find them less acceptable in an 8 yr old than a 4 yr old.

Mad I've thought about this and planned to say that the school teacher has asked me to ask for a gp referal as the school are finding DD's behaviour unmanageable and I agree, I will also be going from work and I'm in the NHS so my uinform may hopefully hold some weight think jolly green giant

Ineed I'm ashamed to say that I have used her hate of routine and change to try and manage her behaviour before now. Stopping day plans because she has behaved inappropriatly (resulting in melt downs)

From your list the only one I can add to mine is fussy eater, will not even sniff touch or lick something she doesn't know.

She won't eat shepherds pie but will eat the "shepherd" bit with mash on the side etc.

Toast can only be toasted by DD in her way, no one has ever made toast that she will accept - I have tried!!

That is 2 more things to add to our list for Tuesday! Thank you.

Glad to help. I had a lot of help on here when trying to get a dx for Dd3 and when we moved her to another school. So i am passing the help down the line to the next person.

Good luck

GP visit went really well, he agree to refer us but did say the school should be applying for the referal not the GP but as long as I speak to the school and get the ball rolling from their end as well it should be ok.

We ran through some questions about I managed to explain what I thought quite well.

He then asked to see DD, weighed & measured her and asked her about school & friends.

Now I am going to see the Nurse at school on Thirsday morning and wait for something to come from the GP referal.

Bad day here, DD has been given detention for lying. Problem is she doesn't think she lied, she thinks she didn't hear the teacher properly (that's not true)

She will be punished and she doesn't think she has done anything wrong (she has) and no matter how I try to explain it to her she just says it's all everyone elses fault and she is inoccent.

She really doesn't understand, it's sad & frustrating all round togeather