Help - ABAers and anyone - meeting Monday at school

[appropriatelyemployed]

I cannot believe I am here again at a new school!

The head is very good but DS's relationship with his TA has deteriorated and so many things are happening now which make me really angry.

The head has organised a meeting with the TA, teacher, me and him for Monday but I am worried I will get too confrontational and angry. I feel perhaps the issues I am raising need to be heard by the head first and then addressed internally.

Can you see what you think? I posted in another threat about most of it, but, in summary:

1. I have found out that of the two tasks set by the ABA therapist, only one is being done by the TA. The other, which set up a regular break pattern for him was disregarded by her as 'too disruptive' to his learning.

1. I found out that DS's keyboard skill, working memory programme and OT were not being done so I have taken his laptop home - it is one provided by the physical impairment service and has specialist software on it. It has not been used by DS in school at all since it was set up two months ago. TA said she had not done working memory programme because it was a 'battle' to get him to do it.

1. Negative language about him is creeping in to the TA's discussions. On Friday, in front of the head, she described him as 'rude and aggressive' (something which he got very upset about) and she has said he was being 'contrary' or 'silly'. The head apologised for this. But she is a teacher. I don't accept loaded language is helpful. It says more about her than the behaviour. Should she not keep to neutral language and just describe what has happened not what she thinks about it?

1. After the ABA intervention, the ABA therapist pointed out practices which could be changed. Things like DS sitting on the carpet, or sitting up well for a bit. Now some of these things they have set up for him, it wasn't that he asked to sit at the back of the class and not on the carpet. She explained how they could change sitting with modelling behaviour and then allowing him to sit as he wants for a bit too. This has now deteriorated into 'sit up, you know not to sit like that' said very sharply in my presence. Also, practices are changed without explanation e.g. DS used to go in the side door back class after break rather than line up with everyone else. This week, he's been stopped from doing this and just told to line up. No explanation. I have no objection to the end objective but this seems poor practice to me - they set up this practice, why not just explain to him what you are trying to achieve? Where is the planning for change?

1. On Friday, I found he had been in a group doing maths outside the class with the TA. He had laughed at someone making a mistake. She reprimanded him and said 'how do you feel when people laugh at you?' He said 'if I make a joke, I like it when people laugh'. She then gave everyone a house point bar him and when he asked, she aid it was because of what he had said. He said she had never given house points in that group before and so felt she was doing it to be mean to him which seems true.

1. I have also noticed that she is reprimanding him in front of me - e.g. 'don't do that DS, that is rude'. [mm]

Head thinks home/school book will help but she would never have told me about point (5) would she? She is just going to use it to dump her frustrations.

So - questions:

1. ABA doesn't mean just changing practices without explanation or motivation does it? He feels like he is being punished for something he's been allowed to do

1. How do I handle this? I have a feeling a group meeting at this stage is not helpful. I am speaking to the ABA consultant on Monday and I have intimated to the head that I am not happy and he has partly agreed with some of the things I have said. I do not want to end up in a confrontation and piss off the head? Maybe it's easier for the head if I say this to her straight?

Btw, I'm not suggesting the TA is in any way justified, nor that you exacerbated it. The posts are just ideas of how to tackle someone you cant sack, when defensiveness and an arrogant approach is impairing performance.

Thanks - no, I know what you mean.

I just don't know how to put that advice into practice.

Thanks Pipin - head is heavily involved anyway. It is a very small school and I am used to going to him for any issues. I think being straight but polite and understanding is probably best.

I would just let it wait and I will suggest this but I think the head is keen to get some issues sorted because he is about to go on paternity leave at any minute and doesn't want to leave this undealt with. He really has been pivotal in arranging support.

The ABA consultant has a massive waiting list but said she might be able to send in a student she supervises. I will ask her tomorrow when this might happen.

But for DS's sake, there needs to be some changes in the short term.

I wonder if abc-ing her outbursts wd work. So you (privately) gather info to abc the ta's undesirable behaviour, then see which bits of ds's day/ his behaviours are her prompts/triggers. Tactfully pass on enough info for her to prioritise this and maybe offer the student BA to help...? Your dc to stay the official client with the 'official' blame for doing stuff which is winding up TA.

Worked (sort of) for me with needing to sort out constant nagging and whining. Prioritised it cos of my outbursts of had-enough-now shouting at my been-whiny-for-hours kids... For whom the whining was only worth a try cos mum was clearly bothered by it.

So I ended up borrowing ds1's ear defenders to wear at times of stress (of course now they fight in the car instead and I need a new tactic )

Super - I have a child who doesn't want to go to school today! Taking time out.

I'm so annoyed, he says she tells him he is pretending and to stop slacking.

What do you do?

Thanks I got him in. TA was not there but I assume she had been talking to head.

I had emailed the head about the lining up/sitting on the carpet and asked if we could add that to the discussion as there was a need to plan change and the strategy to go with it as well as to positively reinforce change.

She seemed to know about this as when I raised it she was very bright and breezy and said these things weren't important and that she had given house points (mmm .....DS's look said not).

But then she said let's start off the day by playing lego and DS calmed down.

I will raise at our meeting the need to stick to neutral language and positive reinforcement and I will ask if there are any areas of difficulty that the consultant can develop strategies for.

Your idea is a good one Pippinjo. I wiill ask him to do that.

God - that went badly.

All ok to start with. I summarised what our ABA consultant had said about sticking to the programme and not adding their own bits like forcing him to sit on the carpet.

Of course, it was denied by teacher and TA that this had happened. But fair enough - point made.

TA also said 'well I did ask him why he can sit on the carpet sometimes and not others'. Why would you ask a child that? What's the point?

But then I got really annoyed. TA comes up with new IEP targets including 'responding appropriately to other children's mistakes'.

I had to point out that I had not expected this to be an IEP meeting, that this target was clearly just a knee-jerk reaction to what had happened with her on Friday and that targets were supposed to be SMART. How do you measure that?

Ok , point taken.

Then, we move on to discuss reporting problems back to me. TA says well he decided not to do violin last Tuesday as the violin wasn't the right size and that it wasn't a half size when they were saying it was (he has his own at home and he had complained to me that their half sizes weren't the same). She was very dismissive.

She then said she always encourages him to sit and never uses negative language. Grrr I have seen this myself. So I asked whether DS had been called lazy and that went down like a lead balloon. Head saying that goes to someone's professionalism so he must have got it wrong etc.

Great. They are going to implement training for ASD though and hopefully some points were made. But she is a liar, a complete and utter liar and I thought I had left the days of lies behind me!

i can't remember who said it on here, but:

'the echolalia never lies'

whereas retrospective neurotypical reports of conversations are a bit dodgy

Tbh I was expecting worse. It was never going to go WELL was it?

The HT HAS to back his staff really but it doesn't mean that he won't be helpful when you're not there.

Yeah I know. I meant to say with the refusing to join in the music class story, she hadn't told us about it at the time (she never says things) and so I asked why and she said - I definitely told you. I remember telling you. Er, I work in London on Tuesday when it happened. Oh then I definitely told your DH. Not.

Perhaps the head could see the lyingness of it all....

'the echolalia never lies' like it

God, if there is one thing you can say about him is that he is honest to the point of trouble!

Sorry AE I missed the last few days. It didn't end in tears or swearing / shouting which is usually fairly good on my scale.

You can still send the ABA bod in to do some more training. Could the teacher do some training too?

Surely the teacher should be setting the IEP!!!

Perhaps you can wait until the HT is on paternity leave and spring it on TA and say 'but I definitely told you ABA was coming in today'