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SN children

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Original poster

Feeling angry and sad DD not invited to her friend's birthday

19 replies

TheTimeTravellersWife · 06/05/2012 16:34

That's about it really. DD has a friend at school, they have had the occasional play date (hate that expression, but can't think of another!) I invited her to DD's birthday party, but she hasn't reciprocated.

It was a sleep over, that's all, but my DD has never been to one. I suppose the fact that she is not dry at night would have been difficult, but her friend and her Mum don't know this anyway, so can't be the reason that she wasn't invited with some of the other girls from the class...

DD heard about it and wants to know what a sleep over is

DD even knew it was her friends birthday, which is a great achievement (she has ASD and MLD and doesn't usually take note of such things.)

And I just feel sad and angry - I have had a couple of coffees with her friend's Mum, she seems nice but she likes to quiz me about my DD's special needs, as her daughter is on the school's SEN register too, and she thinks that it is the worst thing in the world for her daughter to be on school action.

Hey ho, just goes with the territory I guess...don't suppose that I will bother to mention it next time I see her Mum; then again I may just ask what she did for her daughter's birthday just to watch her squirm...but that would be a bit passive aggressive...need to work on being assertive instead!

OP posts:

lisad123 · 06/05/2012 16:51

:(
How old is DD? My dd1 went for practice sleep over at my friends house, with her bestfriend. It wasnt at their own houses which was easier. IT was just before school trip so a great practice run.
She has her first proper sleep over with another friend who has asd too. She is very excited but its taken a long time to get here.
Dont let it get to you, im sure she is lovely and will soon be fighting off invites and if she isnt, its their loss

Original poster

TheTimeTravellersWife · 06/05/2012 17:16

Thanks Lisa, DD is just turned 9.

She IS lovely, somebody once told me that she is popular with the other children, because there is no "side" to her, no bitchiness, no sarcasm, what you see is what you get with her and I just love her to bits, just the way she is!

Silly how I can battle the LA, go to Tribunal, chase the school and yet it is the silly little things that get to me..

So glad that you had your practice run sleepover, and the real thing soon. I'm sure it will be great; its such a normal thing to do I strive so hard for DD to have a normal a life as possible.

OP posts:

squidworth · 06/05/2012 17:24

It took secondary school with DS1 to be invited even though by the end of juniors he has two friend who adored him. The parents remember the strange boy who struggled at infants, who was the reasons their children suffered as he had his own TA just for crying, I was actually told this. Things changed fir him when parents lost the control. I do not think I will ever forget never mind forgive.

jandymaccomesback · 06/05/2012 17:24

Happened to us with boy DS was friends with. They were friends (of sorts) for about five years but DS was never invited to his birthday party. Mum used to encourage him to have DS round, but her commitment didn't extend to birthday parties. It was sad, but we lived.

SOTIRIA · 06/05/2012 21:18

I am so sorry that your daughter has been subject to this awful prejudice. It is deeply upsetting. I have started a thread about a similar thing entitled DS friends mother tells me never to speak to her again. My DS was actually given a verbal invite by the birthday boy and I checked with the mum who said it was a mistake. I then added that my DS was upset not to be invited and this has caused the rift between us. I would pretend everything is ok if I had known she would react that badly but then again each situation is different.

We have had a sleep over at our house for DS. We baby sat at our house for his friend and the parents collected their DD at 11 o'clock. Parties are tricky particularly sleep overs so you may have said no if your DD had been invited and this could have caused problems as well.

2shoes · 06/05/2012 21:25

oh your poor dd.

slacklucy · 06/05/2012 23:29

maybe it has nothing to do with your dd's sn.
Maybe the birthday girl was told she could pick a small number of friends to sleep over & just chose different children.
maybe if she was having a proper party where she could invite a larger number of kids then your dd would of been invited??

Of course you may be right but mayb its not. NT kids gt left out too.

lisad123 · 07/05/2012 00:00

Have to admit that if a school friend invited dd1 for a sleep over I wouldn't let her go, the parents of the sleep over know us and her very well.

Ben10NeverAgain · 07/05/2012 07:30

I understand exactly how you feel. :(

DS has been in primary school 3 yrs and has been to 2 parties. Never invited on a play date. It makes me very sad but that is how it is. I can't change people. All I can do is to equip him to deal with RL as he grows older.

Firsttimer7259 · 07/05/2012 08:45

I think this must be so tough. I am really bracing myself for it. So sorry for you and for your wee girl. I wish people were just a little more thoughtful

daytoday · 07/05/2012 09:33

Please don't be angry.

Despite all you say, is this girl a nice girl and does your DD like her? If so, don't take it to heart. Or rather, try not to.

I suspect it was a question of numbers and they set an amount. It can be very hard for children to choose.

Have you had a sleepover at your house? If your DD wants to experience one?

zzzzz · 07/05/2012 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Triggles · 07/05/2012 10:59

I think birthday parties and sleepovers are a mine field anyway regardless. DS2 has been invited to some parties. Some we went to (mainly those that we felt he could cope with) and others we have to say no simply because they were either in an environment he couldn't cope with or there was no way to keep him safe.

I always feel like an interfering mum when I have to speak to the parent to see what the party activities are going to be (such as disco, bouncy castle) as often the invite doesn't specify. And any that are at private homes (unless it's homes we've been to previously) are an automatic no, as parents generally are expected to drop the child off and come pick them up later, which we cannot do with DS2. In public venues, we can take DS2 there prior to the party to familiarise him with it which often helps. Then if I have to say no, I feel like such an overprotective parent but I have to explain why we cannot bring him, as I don't want them to feel like we're being rude by not coming after we asked what was going to happen. I don't like to give the impression that he's not coming because we don't "like" the activity IYSWIM.

Sleepovers are out of the question for DS2, because he's a runner with no concept of danger or safety. I wouldn't be comfortable worrying about whether he woke up in the middle of the night and went to the kitchen and turned on the buttons on the cooker on or something like that, as other homes are not going to have the safety stuff we have installed.

Some days I wish birthday parties would just go away. It's wretched when they're not invited and honestly it can be just as frustrating (for us anyway) when they are.

sigh

Galaxymum · 07/05/2012 11:45

I was gutted my DD also wasn't invited to a friend's party - I really took it to heart it was because of her ASD. Then I found out 2 others had been left out. 1 parent took it that they're from the council estate. Another just said she didn't get an invite and decided she wasn't liked enough.

I think we do take our child's SN as a reason for not being invited. We don't think of the simple reasons like limited numbers or maybe just the child chose who he/she likes best. We take it personally as it's our Achilles heel.

I feel for the OP. I feel for everyone in this position. It's like that acknowledgement and confirmation my child is a bit different........but other parents whose children get left out and they don't have a SN must have to come up with another reason.

FallenCaryatid · 07/05/2012 11:51

'Things changed fir him when parents lost the control. I do not think I will ever forget never mind forgive.'

Squidworth, the same thing happened with my DS. Many parents saw the aggression and the consequences of his violent meltdowns, not the triggers and so blocked children from socialising with him. He changed as he matured, but their opinions never did.
Now he's at 6th form, he's having a fantastic time with friends and social activities that they arrange between themselves. His needs are managed by his peers and himself, and they don't care about some of the odd behaviour because that's just him.

WarmAndFuzzy · 07/05/2012 14:19

I'm glad I saw this thread! My DS2 (AS/HFA) has been left out of a big double party being given by two of his friends (all his other friends as far as I can tell have been invited) so I was feeling totally gutted for him, but I feel a lot better knowing that so many other people have had similar experiences. It's really good to hear that it gets better too, and I feel fairly sure that the friends who were having the party wouldn't be the ones vetoing him so there's hope for when they're all older!

RabidAnchovy · 07/05/2012 14:43

So sad for your DD

DS2 will be 12 in August and I ask him what he wanted to do for his birthday, he wanted paint ball which I have no problem with, then he changed his mind as one of his best friends would not be able to go as he has ADHA so DS2 wants to do something that that friend can be part of.

Original poster

TheTimeTravellersWife · 07/05/2012 22:30

Thank you for letting me "get it off my chest".

I do agree that it may have nothing to do with DD having SN, and maybe I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but they are very good friends.

Good idea to arrange a sleep over at our house instead. DD is not dry at night so wears non-rustle night-time pants and I could probably manage to keep it discrete...

As for play dates, she never gets asked, but I have managed to arrange a few myself, and they have been most successful if they involved an activity,such as an outing, picnic at the park, craft, or even making pizza or cakes at home. DD still needs a lot of prompting though and will happily ignore/forget her friend is there from time to time.

As to parties, I still need to stay, so I try to make a joke of it with the parents and say something like "its buy one, get one free, if DD goes, then I go too"! Parents are normally grateful to have another adult there to help with party food.

Never mind "The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner" its the loneliness of the SN mum at the MS school gates that gets me.

OP posts:

SOTIRIA · 07/05/2012 22:40

Yes it is very lonely at the school gates and thank goodness for MNSN so that we can all "get things off our chests" Hope the sleep over idea goes to plan and you manage to get over this hurt without damaging the friendship.

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