Help with Dss please

[olibeansmummy]

Hi, I haven't posted in here before, but we are really struggling with Dss (12). He has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and has mild- moderate LDs and is functioning at about the level of an average 8 year old. He stays with us from fri- mon and has a very disordered life at his mums who isn't very interested in him at all.

The problems we have with him are:

He seems to have a compulsion to engage in constant rough play with ds (3) which always results in ds getting hurt.

Having to be told the same thing over and over again
With regards to behaviour.

Acting and speaking like a 'baby' ( trying to be like ds?)

Inability to share and take turns with ds.

We're really struggling to deal with these behaviours without appearing to favour ds, who is very well behaved. It all came to a head this afternoon when he was crying his eyes out as, 'dh always shouts at him not ds'. But the trouble is its always Dss doing the behaviours! We can't ignore dangerous behaviour either.

I've had a think and as a family we wrote a list of 'house rules' and these seem to have cheered him up no end. Dss also suggested a star chart ( I thought he might be too old for them) so we're going to do: 1 warning for breaking a rule, then a consequence and a sticker for having no consequences in a day. I think the idea of written rules makes him feel more secure.

What else can we do that is fair and consistent to both children?

That must be very tough for you, think your idea is a good one though.
Make sure you use clear, simplified demands (eg 'Wash hands first, then dinner' rather than 'I think it might be a good idea to wash hands' etc). Could make some rules into mantras that can be repeated calmly as needed eg 'Big boy voice please', 'Sharing time'.
If he functions at a younger age and stickers/stars still appeal, why not use them as bonuses? You could also get him to make posters for certain rules to go up in places he's most likely to forget them.

The ideas that you are using are great. The most useful techniques that I have been taught from various parenting courses are "play and praise". The play involves letting the child have one to one attention with an activity that is chosen and lead by the child. The praise must be very specific and immediately after the behaviour and be delivered to the point of feeling slightly over the top.

Thanks everyone. It is tricky. I actually work with children with very similar SEN and similar disrupted home lives, but this is different, more personal I guess as its in my own home and there's no escape!

I naturally praise ds allll the time but it's a concious effort with Dss iyswim. Dh is pretty useless as he can't understand why Dss can't act 'normal' especially when he can see that ds acts older than Dss. Dh very much follows my lead but I've withdrawn a bit lately after Dss threw a football at ds's head from less than 1m away on purpose because Dss had been told off. But I can see now that by withdrawing, I'm making things worse as dh has not stepped up to fill the gap :(

Dss hates 1:1 time as he feels he's missing out on whatever ds is doing without him. No matter what either of them are doing. I'm encouraging him to get Dss engaged in more age appropriate behaviour like playing football instead of playing on ds's baby garden toys and we're going swimming next weekend to a pool with massive inflatables in that Dss can use but ds can't to try to show him that being older is more fun!

Is DH struggling with the DX? Do you know how he feels about it? Has he googled ADHD etc? Is he worried he might have it or be responsible for it?

As another 1:1 thing, how about DH taking him for long walks ie that DS wouldn't be able to manage?

It's because it's adhd. Dh believes it's not real it's bad parenting ( I know I know...) and it doesn't help that dss's mum is very uninterested in Dss and borderline neglectful :( he just can't seem to understand that dss's behaviour is compulsive rather than 'naughty' and thinks he should just 'grow up' :(

Do you think his mum could have ADHD?

Silkstalkings she has agoraphobia (sp?) and depression as well as random physical complaints but I'd say dh is the one with more ADHD traits tbh. From what dh's mum says he would have been diagnosed with it if he was a child today.

Zzzzz I really hope it's not normal for a 12 year old to whack a 3 year old in the face on purpose with a football :s fair enough if they were playing football but it was a deliberate malicious act. Rightly or wrongly, I believe it's human nature to protect your own child in these instances which is why I wanted to take a step back from the behaviour management side of things and let dh do it as he should be able to remain impartial. I never said anything about withdrawing affection, in fact I hoped that by not getting involved with the bad behaviour, I could remain friendly and welcoming to Dss.

I know it's not the right word that's why I put it in " " what word is better then?

I appologise that the speech marks didn't come out and fir any offence and I agree that appropriate and in appropriate behaviour is a much better term so thanks for that.

I also agree that withdrawing from managing his behaviour ( not *him as a person) didn't help. But I am trying to do what's best, even if I don't always (often?) get it right. That's why I have changed tactics and why I'm asking for advice. The thing is I have no experience of preteens or of other step families, so don't always know what is right, especially since some people will say that a step mum should definitely not get involved in behaviour management. I can see that this is different in our circumstances though. Now that we have our rules we all know where we stand so I hope things will run more smoothly and I do hope I can help him with his difficulties as he is a lovely child and like you say these issues will become more important as he gets older and gets a job, girlfriend, family etc.

Hi olibean,
Parenting a child with special needs is hard - very hard.
Parenting a step child is very difficult too.
You obviously care a lot about your DSS and this is why you have posted on this site. You seem to have been doing a good job by introducing family rules and I think that your loving care and experience will be the best thing in this DC life.