How to get my son to accept that extra tutoring is a good idea!

[KTP]

Sorry, this is going to be long! My DS does not have a diagnosis of AS but is on the spectrum. Fully assessed by an education psychologist 20 months ago. We originally approached the EP because of our concerns about DS's school work, but his behaviour and social issues became our main concern and our ongoing relationship with her has been around these issues. She found him to be difficient in his auditory processing, but placed him in top 30% of his age group.

He changed school at the beginning of this year (I live in Oz) and he is extremely happy after years of bullying, being ostracised and poor support from the school. He has always struggled socially, and has been treated appallingly by his so-called friends. BEST DECISION! His new teacher describes him as having 'fragile' self esteem, and I would fully agree. One of the ways this shows itself is in his avoidance of any challenging situations (can cause days of ghastliness leading up to an event) because if he avoids it, he can't fail because he hasn't done it.

Coinciding with starting the new school we set up a Literacy assessment as we were aware that his standard of work in this area was not good. (Must say at this point, that at no point has the old school ever said that we should be concerned about his school work). He absolutely HATED the Literacy assessment, and after kicking and screaming his way to the second appointment, came to an agreement that it wasn't going to work. His words were 'I don't need it, I don't want it, I'm not going to do it'.

Having just met his teacher at the end of his first term, she is concerned that he is at the bottom of the class, and is very likely going to fall behind. She also describes him as not good at setting to a task, and prevaricating at every turn.

So........at last.....my question to you venerable mumsnetters is: How do I get my DS to the table and get him to accept both literacy and maths tutoring, without destroying his already low self esteem and to make him see that he's not a failure, just that he needs some extra oomph in the right direction?

Thanks Hothead. He's 11 - vital information! In the past when he's been confronted with something difficult (attending an audition for an orchestra), he's literally run off down the street! I could offer a huge reward (like a scooter) I suppose...but what I really want is him to come on board with us, and see that he isn't so good at something, but see that it's OK. It doesn't make him a failure at everything. Strangely he has other friends who have tutoring....that doesn't offer any leverage. I'm off to google extreme demand avoidance. ;)

I think hothead might have a point about working to his strengths.

If you can see this as a long term plan and just work on the things he is good at while you repair his self esteem you might make more progress.

Does he like computers? Many AS children do, if so i would encourage him to do as much school work as he can on the computer.

Has he had an OT assessment? It could be the physical process of writing which is grinding him down. Many DC's with ASD also have hypermobile joints and this can make writing very difficult. In fact it can make being upright very difficult.

Fwiw, i would remove all pressure from him and give him some time. Just my opinion though.

Good luck.

Oh sorry, meant to say, it is also common for children with AS/ASD to be perfectionists and if what they are putting on paper doesnt meet their high expectations they will never be happy. This is another reason for doing work on the computer because it can be changed and edited so easily.

Just to second what Ineedalife said. There are often a combination of factors making it painful for children with AS/ASD to get their ideas down in writing.
Some other possible approaches/aids:

Using voice recognition software - if your child is noticably more articulate when speaking than when writing, this can make a big difference. Dragon naturally speaking is one example of suitable software.

Using mindmaps to help structure ideas in advance of writing them up properly.

Giving them a set structure to follow. I did a little bit of tutoring for a boy with AS who struggled with writing and he responded well to practising writing three sentences in response to any question based on the model Point, Evidence, Explanation. PEE for short as toilet humour always makes for memorable acronyms.

Quick example:

Point:

Seamus Heaney uses metaphor effectively in his poem Mid-term break.

Evidence:

For example he describes the boy's only visible injury as a "poppy bruise".

Explanation:

We associate poppies with opium used for pain relief and memories of young men killed in war so thoughts of death and release from pain are triggered in the reader alongside the visual image of the red bruise.

"But what is the point in trying or persevering with something you're not good at and don't enjoy?"

Should I just not send him to school anymore then? As the teacher has pointed out, if he falls behind now, then come two years time when he moves to high school he will be well and truly stuffed. He is falling behind in all areas of the curriculum, not just literacy.

Re: computers. He loves computers (don't all kids) and the school uses the Mathletics programme. BUT, will he go on and use it at home as he is supposed to.....of course not, because it's not fun like Flight Sim!!

If I was to work on his strengths, he would be going to a school that let him scooter all day, with lessons at the skate park!

His motor skills are fine - he plays the cello well (when he's in the mood!!).

He has a fantastic teacher, who has spent the first term making sure he feels safe and secure in class and working on his self esteem, as a way into being able to address areas where is is struggling without him feeling like he's failing.

BUT, he doesn't qualify for any extra support at school and the bottom line for me is that he is avoiding trying anything that requires effort and this is habitual from his old school where the teaching staff saw a naughty boy and nothing else so didn't make any effort to ensure he was doing OK. No one praised him if he did well, so he got into the habit of not trying, because 'what is the point - no one expects anything of me'. That last quote from him was what drove me to move him.

We are working hard on self esteem all the time at home. It's incredibly hard work. He always focusses on the negatives in any situation. Eg. at cricket he found out he had the second best averages for bowling (fantastic!!) but could only focus on the fact that he was run out most in the team, and scored very few runs.

My original question still remains, how do I gently bring him round to understanding/accepting that he needs help in maths and english to get through school.

I am going to devise a plan of tokens for effort as suggested, and keep pushing things he is good at/enjoys. Unfortunately none of them are at school!

I'm so sorry to be so long winded - I've never talked about it before and the floodgates have opened!

I have been in this situation with DS1 (who I suspect has some autistic traits, particularly PDA type). He did OK at primary, although poor spelling was always an issue but started to falter at high school (he is 13). Maths and literacy are the areas of concern. DS does not like me to talk about these issues and will not countenance any contact with learning support ("I am not a retard" is his line!).
When I tried to have him assessed at Kip McGrath he ran off with the school notebooks I had brought and put them in a bin, he was extremely uncooperative and could not be assessed (unlike his younger brother who has AS but was beautifully behaved).
I had a lucky break when a friend decided to set up a group maths tutoring class (he prefers not to be one on one) just round the corner from us. I could now give him the choice; driving into town for a longer session or going to the handy one with my nice friend. He had to go to one, i was unbending on that and weathered the verbal storms.

It is now part of his routine and he goes without a fuss (I tell him he has to pay if he refuses to go to one just in case).
His bark is often worse than his bite, as I need to remind myself every time he kicks off about something that he will probably end up doing without a fuss once he is used to it.
I still have to deal with the literacy issue and revision for exams is going to be very tricky, helping him with projects is hard enough as he will not let me correct him (spelling/grammar etc.) without taking huge offence.
By the way I tried showing both DS's how to use mindmaps, they found them very confusing and off-putting (although I like them!).

DS2 has found voice recognition software very helpful and I may try this with DS1.

DS1 will often agree to do something if he knows a friend is also doing it, could you find out if other children are being tutored so that he realises he is not being singled out.

I forgot to mention that DS1 is doing very well at PE at school (naturally gifted at rugby apparently!). He will have a very good chance at being team captain, this is helping his esteem a lot. He would also like to go on the sixth form rugby tour of Canada, which means he has to do well enough to be allowed to stay on into sixth year (Scottish system so not scary A-levels) and keep doing his paper round to save up. It's good to have a carrot as well as a stick [happy]

Just spotted that the friend thing doesn't make a difference so sorry for suggesting it.

I think you have to talk about choices and opportunities, what exam passes are the minimum to get on to certain courses (DS is interested in computing so has to pass maths), what you have to do if you don't pass them (make sure he knows there are alternative pathways and don't be negative about them) etc. and then just take the long view and let the info sink in. As my Ds is a bit older they have been discussing this at school which has been helpful. Don't nag and try not to worry.

zzzzzzz - I'm of reasonable intelligence! I don't want DS to be a brilliant scientist. But any kid needs to have some semblance of an education. You have touched on something though, because I want him to do as well as he is capable of.

Hothead - his interests are sport - he plays soccer (but is miserable because he is in the B team, not the A team!), and has just started rugby which is a minefield because he is playing with some kids who have played for a few years so his confidence is really rocky. He loves music (to listen to) and is musical (but isn't interested in the effort of practise/learning). and of course any computer games, on his itouch and the computer. His overall passion is scootering. In all sports, my DH and think he struggles with energy because he's an incredibly fussy eater (I could talk for pages about our struggles with food).

Wigglybeezer - your DS sounds very incredibly similar to mine! I've read about PDA now and some of the descriptions were so like DS it was uncanny. BUT, he definitely responds to routine, and knowing what's around the corner. So I'm going to look into what kind of tutoring types are available and give him a choice as a start. His bark is also worse than his bite, and once he's in a routine things tend to settle down.

I had to support him massively in any projects that came home from school last year. None of them would have been even half done if I hadn't helped. He was just lost, and very happy for me to help him. The difficulties for me lie in trying to guide rather than do the blessed thing for him!

One area where DS is a different person (confident and leading) is Scouts. He still wants to get his badges with minimal effort though! Lots of talk the talk, but not walk the walk.

Wigglybeezer, your final para is very helpful. I think we do need to sit down with DS and talk about the future a little.

Thanks everyone for your great help and input. It has made me think differently about how to manage DS as a whole. I am definitely guilty of thinking of him as the same as his peers, but we really need to change that.