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Original poster

AMIBU to hate the idea of a child's T-shirt advertising their diagnosis?

54 replies

Arabica · 29/04/2012 21:06

Hello! Haven't been on for ages but when it comes to soliciting opinion, there's only one place to go for an SN related AMIBU--
My daughter has a rare genetic syndrome and there is talk (on our facebook support forum) of T-shirts to advertise the fact that our kids have this diagnosis. T-shirts that the kids would wear, that is. I have no objection to the parents wearing a T-shirt if they want to.
I feel, very strongly, that putting T-shirts on the kids is wrong, mainly because my daughter (and all the other children that I know of with her diagnosis) is unable to communicate whether she would like to wear it. I also feel it's inappropriate because although she has this syndrome, it doesn't define her--it's only one aspect of who she is.
Would love to know what other people think.

OP posts:

sazale · 01/05/2012 18:29

I didn't take it that way, Arabica, no prob. I would never dream of getting one for DD I just found her view interesting, thought provoking and another example of how nieve she is, bless her x

AmberLeaf · 02/05/2012 07:50

I have spoken about these before with a friend.

I see here and in RL opinion is swaying towards it being wrong to put your child in one.

When I first saw them though my first thought was 'what a brilliant idea'

I can see how they could be helpful, I wish my son had had one on yesterday actually then it may have prevented the talking behind the hand we got from somebody.

I agree with fallen, if you dont want one-fine, but dont knock anyone else for using one, if it works for them then good.

My choice of design would possibly say..... 'oh do piss off you judgy arsehole, does it not occur to you that I am disabled?'

Dont think it would fit on a T shirt though!

AmberLeaf · 02/05/2012 07:51

Also, I think I would have bought one by now if it were not for reading about this sort of opinion about them!

I would hate to be out and for another parent to think I was somehow 'milking' my childs diagnosis in putting him in one.

Triggles · 02/05/2012 08:18

I wouldn't think you were milking the child's diagnosis. I wouldn't think anything negative about you. It's purely a personal choice IMO.

And realistically speaking, those that make nasty comments will still make nasty comments - those type are really not interested in being educated about disabilities. They're all about judging others regardless.

silverfrog · 02/05/2012 08:25

Amberleaf - if you think it would be helpful for you, then do go ahead and use a t shirt.

I have done before, and as I said, woudl not rule out doing so again. I don't like the ones which have implications re: naughtiness (personal opinion), but I don't have a problem with putting dd1's 'label' out there - it is only what I would sy to the people involved if I had a spare second anyway! (and the reasn for using the t shirts is that I would not be likely to have that spare second...)

I have found that it does help. of curse there are still the terminally ignorant, and the lemon suckers - there always will be. but it did give some people pause for thought, and it helped them to modify their language towards dd1 (or wait and ask me, instead of asking her) so win win. it did mean a bit more patience from some people who would otherwise not have thought that dd1 has sensory or processing issues.

AmberLeaf · 02/05/2012 11:26

Thanks Triggles and Silverfrog!

gettinghappy · 02/05/2012 11:36

I used to have a T-shirt for my little boy ( who had an NG tube sticking out his nose for 5 yrs and regularly had casts on both legs _ lots of various difficulties but no diagnosis) which said:

I KNOW I AM CUTE.....PLEASE DON'T STARE!

I still have it, 'cos I couldn't bring myself to throw it out :)

Re OP: I am with you. I don't think there is a need to advertise anyone's diagnosis. I can see the point if you are doing a fund raising event or something. But random t-shirts are not going to educate the public IMO.

insanityscratching · 02/05/2012 12:03

Amber I wouldn't ever judge anyone who made a different choice from me. It's not for me or my children that's all.To be honest I most likely wouldn't even notice that a child or adult was wearing one but I would and do notice ASD behaviours.
I'm pretty stroppy and quite happy to tell people to mind their own business if they feel it's their place to comment. I imagine though if a person felt unable to do that then hopefully the T shirt would at least ward off some direct comments anyway.

PurplePidjin · 02/05/2012 12:38

I get as many looks for being a white woman taking black children to the park as I do for dniece's autistic behaviour and the strategies I use to help her cope.

But then, as an Aunty, I probably have more energy to challenge and confront the catsbum faces than a parent would

AmberLeaf · 02/05/2012 12:38

I have no qualms about saying something to someone who makes a comment or whatever, the problem is my son doesnt like people 'talking about him' that would also include me saying something ie explaning he is autistic! and realistically you cant speak to everyone y9u come across who says something.

I think in my experience its especially hard because my son looks so 'normal' yet his behaviors can be very autistic.

To the untrained eye he can look like a precocious brat I suppose.

PurplePidjin · 02/05/2012 12:50

I've found that people are more tolerant of older children than younger, I think because at 7+ it becomes more obvious that the child isn't merely brattish, and also because the parent/carer is using more obvious behaviour management techniques. Also, the more severe the disability the more tolerance you get - Dniece at 4 looked like she was messing around being loud. Dniece at 6 is clearly nonverbal. With AS, because it's so subtle to the passing observer, a child may be 10+ and Joe Public still thinks they're being "a bit wierd"

PurplePidjin · 02/05/2012 12:52

Oh, and sil isn't scared to stare some judgy twat down either. But she has it every bloody day and gets sick of it. I swan in at the weekend for a couple of hours and quite enjoy a little wholesome debate

AmberLeaf · 02/05/2012 13:20

Ive found the opposite PurplePidjin, I found it easier when he was younger!

Im fed up with the general public at the moment ......and other parents at the school....etc.

PurplePidjin · 02/05/2012 13:38

I figure that if some daft woman singing Row Your Boat to a couple of kids in a pound shop is the worst you've ever seen then you've got a problem not me.

How old is he, Amber? Joe Knobend Public gets worse towards teenagers then settles down towards adulthood in some cases...

AmberLeaf · 02/05/2012 13:43

Hes 9 1/2.

This last year has been harder all round I think, the dynamics at school are changing a lot and I think his classmates are being much less tolerant of his differences.

Aaw Row your boat was a fav in my house!

PurplePidjin · 02/05/2012 13:55

Ah, I don't know about classmates. I was talking about random in the street, park, shops etc.

With actions. And made up lyrics. And screams at the crocodile/polar bear/shark...

insanityscratching · 02/05/2012 14:21

Oh I don't explain I just tell them to mind their own business or maybe the Mumsnet favourite "did you mean to be so rude or are you deliberately trying to annoy me?" I did tell a woman who advised me to watch Supernanny for tips to go look up euthanasia and take a few tips for herself
My dd is the same age as your ds and it is a difficult time as friendships become more sophisticated and I think differences become more noticeable. Dd is tiny and passes for about six so many of her immaturities aren't seen as such.
I find the points and stares at ds (17) stimming far harder to tolerate than the comments about his behaviour when he was younger tbh. Now it's obvious he has a disability and I just expect better when he was younger his behaviour I suppose could have been mistaken for naughtiness.

Pagwatch · 02/05/2012 14:33

I don't really understand - there is no 'right' answer, surely?

The decision to use a t-shirt is going to depend on your choked and your circumstances and the situation.
I haven't used a 'I'm not naughty...' or any other sort. But ds2 would not give a shit and when I was out with his siblings I can see how a t-shirt may have stopped a few strangers tutting and staring.
It doesn't matter if I have balls of steel and can strangers to fuck off or use strategies to deflect their silent criticism. But if I am trying to take my family out to,for example, celebrate DDs birthday using a t-shirt to make her experience a little less fraught does not seem unreasonable.
My son loves his siblings. I am not sure he would regard his privacy as taking precedence of his siblings desire to pass a little less noticed for once.

Pagwatch · 02/05/2012 14:34

Choked = child

PurplePidjin · 02/05/2012 15:50

No one so far has got past my steely and firm "She has autism"

I'm longing for someone to get stroppy so I can get all tiger Aunty!

insanityscratching · 02/05/2012 16:24

I did manage to make a woman drop her basket and run in M&S once after giving her a glare and mentioning loudly how bloody rude some people were when she tapped her friend to get her to look at ds.My teenage dd laughed because I am the least threatening person on this planet.

Original poster

Arabica · 02/05/2012 17:30

Great to see so many replies.

I think I need to reiterate that this isn't about wearing a T-shirt to explain behaviour which others might find challenging.

It's about wearing a T-shirt as evidence that the children all have this rare syndrome. My distate is about consent, ie my DD isn't capable of giving consent.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 02/05/2012 17:44

If you find it distasteful then don't do it.
Other parents may not find it distasteful as they see it as raising awareness or for some other reason. It remains personal choice surely?

There are very few things for which my son can give consent. What t-shirt he wears is just one of a list. We have to just use our judgement.

madwomanintheattic · 02/05/2012 18:00

I have no problem with 'organisation' t shirts. Ie cerebral palsy association of Alberta, or whatever. And actually, we all wear stuff with the adaptive sports programme logo all over - it helps for branding and fund raising lol.

I'd have to see the shirt to make a decision, tbh. If it was just the organisation logo, I don't think I'd have a problem. If it was some in your face, or cutesy nonsense then I can see consent might be problematic, as that sort of thing is personal taste, and a lot about context.

PurplePidjin · 02/05/2012 18:12

It also depends on where the money for the tshirt was going. I'd buy and wear one with the NAS on for example, knowing the money would go to the charity. But I wouldn't pay money just to a company for printing iyswim.

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