NT pre-teen and younger asd brother - at my wits end

[Shagmundfreud]

Please can anyone help me with this?

I have a NT dd of 12, an NT ds of 8 and a ds of 6 who has ASD. As a family we have had no help and support from anyone as we don't yet have a diagnosis for our youngest. We have been referred to CAMHS but have told we are on a very long waiting list. The EP at school has put forward a tentative diagnosis of HF autism, which fits with what we observe as parents.

DS2 is pretty volatile and deals badly with frustration. Like many ASD kids he can be profoundly unreasonable and can't accept that he's ever to blame for anything. If you tell him off he becomes angry. If you punish him he becomes angry and volatile. He's not alone amongst my children in doing unpleasant things like name calling and using mocking voices when he's having an argument with his siblings, but he doesn't have the internal boundaries that they do, so will say really offensive things without much provocation and simply not see what he's done wrong. He calls dd 'pizza face' (she's got spots) and shouts at her that she's a fat cow when she crosses him in a way he finds unacceptable.

The problem I'm really struggling with at the moment is dd's response. Her view is that I should always punish him when he calls her names or behaves badly. I agree that the name calling has to be dealt with, and do tell him to stop and point out how hurtful it is. But if I punished him for every single transgression then we simply couldn't get from one end of the day to the other. This morning was a case in point. DS had been on the computer before school. He took a break to have something to eat, but wanted to get back on the computer and finish off what he was doing in the 5 minutes before leaving for school. I was fine with this, but while he was eating breakfast dd had gone onto the computer and started watching something. I asked her if he could go back on and have his five minutes (she could go back on the minute we left for school) and it precipitated a HUGE argument which has left me feeling very upset and fragile.

She shouted at me that I spoiled him, that everyone knew I spoiled him, and that I treat him like a 'king'. She said that she and my mum and sister have had long conversations about how much I let ds2 get away with. That was devastating to hear. She is hypercritical about my parenting and I know I react badly to this because it's something I worry about all the time. I feel very unsupported with ds and am struggling to balance everyone's needs. DH is out from 7.30 until 7pm during the week, so it's just me and the kids. I also work some weekends and evenings, so I'm often really stressed when the children come back from school, knowing I've got to get organised to leave the house (I teach adults in the evening, so my work requires me to be coherent and organised - hard sometimes when I've been up since six in the morning fire dealing with fighting kids and household mess).

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with ds2 a lot of the time, just trying to avoid melt-downs. It doesn't help that dd winds him up in to a frenzy sometimes - when it suits her - and isn't slow in giving him a sly whack round the head when he annoys her. I've begged her to ignore the name-calling as much as she can and to try not to use his behaviour as a pretext for screaming and exploding all over the house. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in the middle of a battlefield. I have times when ALL of them are shouting insults at each other, storming around, hitting each other. It makes me feel like I'm going mad.

Any wisdom you can offer?

While I punish bad behaviour I also reward tolerance from my other children. So if DS2 verbally abuses your DD reward her for how she handles the situation, maybe a bit more independence, late night at weekend etc. it might be worth a try.

Sounds to me like you need a family meeting (I use How to Talk so Children Listen a lot to sort out problems in our family and they explain the idea really well in the book). Your dd and ds1 are old enough to understand that people are all different and need to be parented in different ways and should be a protectors and supporters of their little brother. However if dd feels pushed out then perhaps she would benefit from being able to voice that in a meeting.
My 6 yr old has aspergers and is the oldest but has never heard language like 'fat cow' or 'pizza face' so wouldn't know to use it. Is your ds2 getting the name calling from the older two? A no name calling rule could be a starting point on a set of agreed family rules. A family treat like a cinema trip (?) can be a good way to work towards getting everyone to try to stick to a few agreed rules.
We never 'punish' ds because as you say you would be doing it all day and it is better to reward positive behaviour anyway imo. Our paediatrician explained to us that all reactions to behaviour reinforces them so we must as far as it is safe totally ignore any 'bad' behaviour from ds and massively praise and reinforce all 'good' behaviour. Perhaps you could explain that concept to your older 2 to help them understand why you don't punish ds2 all the time.
Dunno if I've been any help, our dc are still little so we haven't had too much of this to deal with yet.

No - thank you shopping, that's very helpful!

Also like the idea of rewarding tolerance.

And yes, ds does pick up a lot of these things from older siblings, particularly dd. Honestly sometimes her words come out of his mouth in a way which is quite uncanny!

Shag I know how you feel. My dd1 is only 8 but tells me I spoil dd2 as we constantly are on eggshells trying not to upset her! Dd2 also namecalls and she's only 2.5 yrs! She gets her words from dd1!!! Her latest her screaming "bloody noise" or "dirty humbug" if she perceives that dd1 is being too noisy this is quite often followed by a hard kick or punch! She detests noise but of course I can't keep one sibling quiet to please another. I feel like I need two houses. The screaming and arfuements are endless, dh works, no family to help etc etc. I may send one to live in the shed!

Mine have all taught each other name calling. They have been fairly horrid to each other over the years.

My older ones say that Dd3 is spoilt, but generally i am just trying to keep the peace.

Dd3 has ASD doesnt have a damage limitation button but the older ones do. I have tried to explain to them many times that if they hadnt demonstrate some staggeringly vile behaiours to her, she wouldnt have known what to do.

I am afraid i ignore as much as i possibly can and split them up if it gets too horrid.

Sorry, not much help al i, but at least you know you are never alone on this board.

Good luck.