Need a bit of help with upcoming meetings with/about DD2

[DameHermione]

DD2 - 14, Aspergers. Been scraping along just coping for years, now can't bring herself to even go to school most of the time. school is excellent for mainstream, hardworking, 'normal' pupils. crap for DD2 but the only secondary within 15 miles. They've given her a 'get out' card and excused her from assembly but that's pretty much it. She is supposed to have a mentor but being a teenager with aspergers is reluctant to ask for help if she needs it and just refuses to go.

next week is meeting at Healthy Minds. Last time they spent the whole time telling us how well we were doing in a patronising manner (so cringworthy DH is refusing to go to next one). Hopefully this time they will have DDs assessment stuff from CAMHS. But I have a feeling we won't get anywhere unless I can be very clear what we want and need.

Is it terribly cynical of me to suspect that because we 'have done so well' and 'cope so brilliantly' they plan to offer us nothing? Do I need to cry and shout that we most certainly are not coping? at least DD isn't.

Problem is I don't know what we want or need.

In 2 weeks we then have meeting at school with Educatoonal Psychologist. They said DD didn't have to be at that one.

I will ask for her to have a proper and thorough educational psychologist assessment. Is that reasonable or feasible?

DD needs help accessing school. School have refused to statement her. Meeting in 2 weeks is their last chance before I do it myself. with or without them. I know I could have done it myself before now but because I don't know what is available and what to ask for I am left floundering.

school have no chioce about statementing her - it is not down to them.

yes, don 't appear to cope too well. a bit of crying never did anyone any harm (in crisis meeting terms)

you need to lay out, in clear, calm terms (after your cry, or before you breakdown ):

that your dd is entitled to a suitable education.
that she is struggling ot access that education.
that current strategies are not working (which is why they alerted you to her absence rate the other week )
that her anxieties are a barrier to her asking for help.
that however much she appears to be coping, she clearly isn't, as she cannot even bring herself to leave the house for school most days.
that her not getting an education is not the answer - that the school, and the LA, are obliged to sort these issues out. starting with a full assessment of her needs (which may well not be educational, although given she has missed a lt fo school, it is likely she has significant gaps).

that is it firmly their problem, and not yours, or dd's. they need to work out how to progress from ehre.

thanks.

will make a list.

am i the only person who turns into a nodding-dog at these meetings?

i smile, i nod, i agree, i make light of it all.

then go home and cry and carry on as normal.

the meeting at school turned into a major incident at work after i had specifically requested not to be working that day - then got rota-ed onto nights the night before and after it. i was very cross.

no, you aren't the only one. I found it almost impossible to do anything but put a brave face on. the only time I cried was at one meeting where I was so angry at what was being said (a lot of lies re: provision and what dd1 had had/couldn't have and why) that I cried through the sheer frustration of not being able to swear loudly at everyone present.

it worked, though, and dd1 got some SALT (which was what was being discussed).

sometimes, it can be useful to have a suited-and-booted friend come along too, as oyur 'official representative', and take notes. if something is going down in writing, the meeting can often turn out very differently...

Tomorrows meeting has been cancelled grrrrrrrrrrr. Have to wait til next months at school.

Nodding dog here, I am never assertive enough when I do try it seems agressive.