How can dd be so different in 24 hours? I completely broke down last night.

[missrandom]

Morning.

Dd is 5 and most likely somewhere on the autistic spectrum. Her problems mainly are mainly socially. She wants to play with her classmates, but is often overwhelming and will eventually put them off. Her bad behaviour, severe tantrums etc, have really calmed down in the past year, to the point where they're actually almost non exisitent.

Over the last couple of weeks i've noticed a very steady change in her behaviour. The babbling became constant, she was rude and defiant, really struggling to get out what she wants to say, talking randomly and out of context, the list unfortunately goes on and on. All these things had improved so much before. She seemed to be making so much progress, but for some reason everything's changed and it's like she's a different child.

Yesterday for example it took her an hour to get dressed because she couldn't/wouldn't stop twirling and repeating lines from Disney films randomly. I was really struggling to switch off and I got really cross with her for not listening to me and just doing basically whatever she wanted. I might has well not been there atall!!

Homework was an utter nightmare! It wasn't just that she wasn't trying her best, she genuinely seemed to have forgotten everything and I was becoming more and more mentally drained.

She has started growling constantly when she doesn't like something and squealing. She hasn't done this really before so I can't understand where it's come from. I'm hoping that she just knows how much it's irratating me rather than something she can't control.

At bedtime she is normally really good, but the last week or so it's been awful. Constant crying, whinging, demanding etc, but last night was on another level and I completely broke down. I'd just had enough of the screaming, demanding and defiancy, I went down stairs and just screamed at the top of my voice and cried uncontrolably in a way which I don't think I ever had. I felt like my heart was breaking. I think what broke me was the fact that I couldn't get my head around how different she was. I coudn't make sense of it. I kept telling myself that this doesn't happen. Why did I let myself think that things were getting better?! How dare I begin to feel positive about things?

Seriously, how can she be so different?! Am I just completely clueless? I'm feeling like such a crap mother today. She's gone off to school happy, but I feel terrible that she's had such a horrible weekend. Her eyes are all puffy(I can bearly see!) and i'm just praying that she's good at school.

I'm at my wits end. Please, has anyone got any advice or experiences that they wouldn't mind sharing.

Sorry for the length. Thanks for reading.

My ds is 8 now, but I remember similar things when he was younger. It sounds as though things are really getting on top of you as well. Your dd will pick up on yr anxiety and worry and that will not help.

Your dd is obviously going through something hard for her. Treat her with calm, loving firmness and put as little pressure on her as you can. That is not to say you let her do what she looked. Take complete control. Have everything ready and organisedfor tea, quiet play, bath, story and bed when she gets home. Give her simple, nourishing food that is easy to digest and fills her tummy. Keep her warm and keep the house quiet. Let her environment be as peaceful as you can make it. Don't give her any choices-you make all the decisions for her, as you would a baby.

The reasoning behind this is that she is showing you that she is unsettled, so to re settle her, you need to go back to basics and allow her mind to rest.

Also, lots and lots of cuddles, kisses, massage if she can tolerate it and love.

My DD is 5 and has ADHD and dyspraxia. Reading your description of your DD I swear you could be describing my little girl completely.
My DD's behaviour will deteriorate like this if she has been given lots of sugar or any E numbers etc. We have changed her diet to healthy eating and give her supplements incliding Omega and she is like a different person. Before we did this we were at our wits end and had been to a private consultant who gave us meds and we were also looking into sending her to a special school .

Everything is different now she can still be cheeky and defiant on occasion but I can live with this. I can thoroughly recommend reading The brain food plan by Robin Pauc also check out The Tinsley House thread on here.

Hello, my DD goe sthrough phases like this too. She also retreats into squawking like a bird or "becoming " a dog in response to situations she is uncomfortable with, it is really frustrating, I sympathise!

My dd is also five by the way and has dev. delay/SLI but also when in these phases I am convinced she is on the autistic spectrum too. She also becomes obsessive over things which at times I have managed to turn into positive ie by using a timer (she loves clocks and alarms)when its time to get dressed, brush teeth,, leave the house etc.

It is exhausting, I have been in tears today too as have been shouty with her-she keeps hitting me when I get her dressed and spitting and running off. Have also been up in the night, DD seems very unsettled generally this week,and the worst thing is I feel I have not reassured her by getting cross but we are only human. I do find routines really helpful during this time and dd seems to respond to the rules side of it, ie sayung she has to let me get her dressed before we go downstairs helps.

Thank you.
ami, I definitely think she's becoming more distressed because of my anxiety to it all and I feel awful. I keep trying to snap myself out of it and i'm utterly ashamed that I can't. That's not to say that i'm giving up. I know I have to change the atmosphere as best I can. Looking back, she did have a very late lunch and I know that hunger and temperature affect her behaviour hugely. If she gets too hot for example, she becomes very aggitated and eventually it can turn into violence. At school she tends to express herself better and so will tell the teachers that she's too hot and they will open a window and then she can concentrate better on her work.

holy(we do have very similar dd's.............i've namechanged. Will pm you later) I have changed her diet and am trying to get in all the omega, zinc and magnesium naturally. It seemed to be making a difference before, but with the Easter holidays, treats are bound to sneak in there. Yesterday, dp took her out and bought her a Fab icecream!! He thought I was really overreacting. I couldn't snatch it away from her, but I know that things can get worse so quickly when she's already like this. It sounds ridiculous to people who don't understand, when they hear that i'm freaking out over an icecream or a couple of biscuits, but i'm the only one who knows it affects her.

I just can't believe the difference! I know I keep barking on about the same thing, but I wouldn't have thought it was possible. It makes no sense to me. This morning, i'm trying to relax and get things unscrambled in my head. It's difficult to stop looking at the clock and waiting for a phone call from school. If she's anything like she was at home this weekend at school, i'll be called in very shortly. I feel sick with worry. Can't seem to catch my breath.

Do they call you in? I have only ever been called in once and that was because dd was ill! DD tends to lash out at other children and school have noticed a pattern-its at busy times or when it gets very noisy.

DD was angelic yesterday till a trip to the park, it was like taking a different child home to the one I brought! not sure if it was the heat or tiredness or the over stimulation but she changed! So am right with you on the how can it be so different, it is very confusing.

used2, actually no I haven't been called into school. I've been pulled to one side countless amounts of times, but over the past 6 months or so, it's hardly ever and I felt like I could relax. I guess it's fear of the bubble bursting. Well it's blood exploded at home! She hasn't ever been this bad, so obviously I have no idea how she will be at school. I don't want anyone to be going through this, but i'm glad you understand what i'm saying when I say how can she be so different. It is confusing. It messes with your head doesn't it. You never know when it's safe to just relax. Have you found the main triggers with your dd? I keep thinking i've cracked it, but am usually proven wrong. Having said that, when things are going so well, maybe i'm unconciously slacking and eventually these setbacks are inevitable. It doesn't just feel like a setback though and that's what i'm really struggling with. I can't see her coming back from this one. Even though she went in to school well, she still wasn't herself and was even talking to me in a different voice.

My DD has started doing the talking in a different voice she puts on various accents etc I don't think you should worry to much about that she is only 5 and just being a bit imaginative they pick up so much from the tv and I remember doing this myself when I was a kid. Don't beat yourself up things will be better today it just takes them a wee while to get back into routine after Easter. It is definitely all the fault of the FAB ice-cream they should rename those definitely nothing FAB about them. Speak laters

DD talks in a a different voice too! Its how I know when I am definately not going to get anywhere reasoning with her, she has a manic laugh too, sounds like she is just being naughty when she does it but I really think its like her brain has switched into a different mode, when she's like it I can't even get her to stay still enough for me to get to her level and talk etc.

Have also had to talk to teachers re dd's hitting several times, for a couple of weeks I was feeling sick every time I collected her with the worry of what she would have done. hen it just stopped. School had changed the way they handled it slightly and I had spoken with our hospital psychologist so maybe I was calmer but we never did know why exactly and when she does it (the lashing out at other kids)it seems entirely random but due to her speech and language she can't tell us so we never knew other than it happened more during busy times and that allowing her time out of that helped and using timers.

the random ness of it upsets me too, DD seems not to be able to help herslef suddenly walloping me sometimes, I can sometimes spot that it is about to happen but I worry about her impulsiveness and what she is feeling.

Sorry that wasnt much clearer, the short answer is I am still unsure of why but a few things have helped. I guess when things go well I don't tend to think about why because I am just glad not to have to think about it. But it may make sense to start some sort of log.

PS yes to after easter hols, DD was dreadful after her first day back at school, really really angry. Then it settled down gradually over the week.

used2, it sounds as though our dd's are very similar doesn't it. That walk to the school at pick up time really can be terrible can't it. I remember not that long ago, i'd started not to think about it so much because we'd got the thumbs up for so long without any hicups. Then a couple of weeks before the holidays we got told that she wasn't doing anything that she was told. The teacher who I normally like said the most ridiculous thing. She pulled me to one side, but still in full view of the other parents said "you need to tell her to do as she's told" Really?! I hadn't thought of that one! What a genius idea!! I actually went round later to talk about it more because I wasn't happy obviously, with the way it was handled. The next week I was pulled to one side to be told how brilliant she had been and dd heard this and looked really happy and I was so relieved and proud. At home though, it became a different story and then brings us upto now really. This is why I feel like it's only a matter of time before school tell me she's really struggling again. In pre school things were awful. It was everyday that I was asked to stay behind to discuss what dd had or hadn't done. They were sure that she was going to need extra help at school, but after a shakey start, she soon settled in and i've been told countless times by several teachers working with her that she's not special needs and almost look at me like i'm mad and just looking for problems which aren't there. I can believe that she controls her tantrums in school, but I can't believe that they don't see her reactions and speech are unusual. To me, she stands out like a sore thumb, but to school she's just "a character". What do school say about your dd?

mumslife, I know that's very common and like I say, I could understand and believe that she's holding her anger in at school and letting it all out when she gets home. However, I just can't understand her acting "normally" at school, but not at home. Ie, no babble and constant twirling/bouncing. They've commented that she's a bit of a butterfly, but again, they just look at me gone out when I ask her if she's communicating appropriately.

I was the same with dd2 last week, she was a different child. We have put it down to age (this is the point most high functioning children are picked up) and also the break in routines from school. She has regressed previously so we are aware it might happen again.
Having a good cry helps, we are after all human and not made of stone.
How your ok today

Oh poor you that sounds stressful with school. My dd has quite limited speech and language and what she does have is so unclear that there is no way her SN could be mistaken iyswim. Which is awful for her but there have actually been times when I have thought thank goodness it is now obvious there are SNs (ie when in public and she is lying on the floor or similar!)

But a teacher has said that DD can process information when she wants to (part of her problem is processing language-she has been assessed as having severe difficulties with this and being on 1st centile so although I knew what that teacher meant, it was a bit as if she felt I was making excuses for DD's behaviour)

Has your DD had any sort of assessments? It has helped me feel less like I am imagining thigs that I have letters and reports saying what the issues are from paediatricians, etc. Not that it means school always remember or take it on board but mostly they do and things are written into her statement about how to help her understand and follow routines etc.

DS1 (7, ASD) is generally very well behaved at school and then kicks off at home, or even sometimes with seconds of coming out of his classroom at the end of the day. He holds in all the anxiety etc while he's in school and then comes home really horrible sometimes. The class TA came to a speech therapy group with us for 6 weeks and was really surprised to see his behaviour in a different environment (rolling round on the floor when excited, screaming in anger in the car because his 'homework' from the group was to try to join in with other children at school 'but I don't want to join in!!!!!!!'). I think that has helped, as have odd occasions like the one where his letter from school blew out of his hand so he started trying to kick the school fence down..... Thankfully school have been pretty supportive with trying to help him in school so that he doesn't need to get so angry/aggressive at home.
It's really hard when the challenging behaviour come out at home and not at school, I know I spent a lot of time wondering whether maybe it was just me not coping well. Now I try to focus on the positive side of it (at least he's not getting into trouble at school....), and try to keep home as relaxing for him as possible.
Do you think it might help if you could keep a diary of behaviours to show school? Do you have any health professionals on your side? I think we got taken more seriously at school once Speech Therapy picked up on DSs problems with social communication, attention etc.

Missrandom, is your DD in reception? I worked as a TA in reception for a couple of years and I can honestly say that there is so much free play and so many DC that they are really likely to be not noticing if her communication isn't brilliant or whether she's twirling and bouncing unless she's doing it at carpet time. If she can sit still and fairly quietly at quiet times like carpet time and assembly, then she's got lots of opportunities to let off some steam and any 'lively' behaviour might not be noticed. So she may not actually be so different at home and school, but just managing during the short quiet times. The change to Y1 can be a struggle for many DC (not just those with SEN) as there is less free play.

I have always had to keep school holidays really quiet and calm to let my DS2 (ASD) have a proper rest. He always played up when tired and/or hungry (and sometimes for no apparent reason, moon cycle?) The first week back was often more tricky than the last week of term. Hopefully that's all it is and once she has settled back properly into the school day routine things will get back to 'normal.'

His development always seemed to come in leaps and plateaus as well, with unsettled behaviour being a bit of a sign.

Ellen, yes, she's in reception. I know what you mean about the teachers maybe not noticing her 'quirks'. She has been discharged from SALT having being assessed and we were even told that in some things she was actually ahead. The thing is with dd is that she can have conversation which make perfect sense, but when she's like this you can very rarely make any sense out of her. It's just constant gibberish and seems to be in her own little fantasy world.

Just come home from school pick up and one of the TA's said that she definitely wasn't herself. Apparently she wasn't naughty, but she was very over excited, aggitated and seemed quite switched off. She suggested that it could be because she was tired. Now, that's true, she is tired. We all bloody are after last night, but a lot of kids have terrible sleeping paterns and don't behave like this.

Have been racking my brains to think what's changed. I suppose she's watched quite a lot of t.v at the weekend because the weather has been so rubbish. Maybe that has got something to do with it. She tends to play for hours using only her imagination and a couple of non descript 'toys'. When I try to encourage her to do something else such as help me bake a cake, or make a picture, It's like i'm talking to a brick wall. I must have said her name 10 times yesterday before I got an answer. I know she can hear me, but when she's like this, I might as well not be there. Again, it's very frustrating.

I have noticed these sudden regressions in my ds too. He's 6 and in year 1.

I also notice that his behaviour is 100x worse when there are ANY other children around, including ds1 and dd.

One to one you can hold a lovely, coherent conversation with him. He's actually really good company when he's like this and I really, really enjoy him.

But then he can switch to total... manic mode: spitting, yelping, swearing, hurling himself around - not necessarily in anger but in a sort of frenzy of silly and infuriating behaviour.

It's very disturbing and worrying and I know how you feel when you say you were overwhelmed with emotion about it.

Shagmun, has your ds been diagnosed with anything, or are you having him assessed atall? When you say that your ds hurls himself, not always in anger but almost in a frenzy, I certainly understand that. Dd will often just spin, jump and shake her head around manically. I can usually cope with it at home. I just try to discourage it, but if nothing works I try to just switch off from it. Obviously sometimes though, I fail spectacuarly and end up losing my temper and then I feel awful, because i'm still not sure it's something which she can control.

This morning she was actually really good at home. Woke up well, had her breakfast without a fuss, didn't have a meltdown when I turned off the TV and I could have a sort of conversation with her. As soon as we got to school though, it was a completely different story. She bounced into the playground and said "I want to say hello to my friends" (they're not her friends) "Hello friends!! Hello everybody!!" Whilst skipping and spinning. Everyone either ignored her or looked at her in that way which breaks my heart a little. She ran straight into one boy, growled at him and then laughed manically, bouncing right onto another child and doing the same. I really thought she'd be calm this morning going in. The teacher had quite a terrified expression on her face when she saw dd heading for the classroom. I feel so unbelievably weak. I came home and just burst into tears and i've been crying ever since. I'm so sick of crying. I keep trying desperately to think positively, but I just can't. I really do feel like such a rubbish mum right now.

Don't beat yourself up missrandom. I know it's easier said than done.

When DS was 5 I got a huge sofa sized bean bag for him to run and jump onto as he definitely needed to do this. He doesn't seem to have to do this anymore so obviously this sensory need has calmed down.

Can you ask if the school can do some social skills stuff with her. It wasn't until I pointed out that DS had no friends and just ran about by himself that they actually looked and saw it themselves.

You are not a rubbish mum. It's clear from what you've written that you love her dearly and are trying whatever you can to help her :)

Ben10, thank you. I try not to beat myself up, but as you say, it's so difficult sometimes. Especially when you feel like you're getting absolutely nowhere and if anything, feel as though you're going backwards.

If dd doesn't have a diagnosis, would school still be willing to help her with her social skills? Would that not mean bringing in extra help?

People talk about Circle of Friends as being a useful technique. It doesn't need any outside help and it doesn't look like it is solely used for children with ASD.

Our school hasn't been helpful so far saying that as the only thing that they have put him on was a "behaviour for learning" group which when the report came at the end of it was named "social skills for learning" group. This was made up of 6 year 5 children and 2 year 2 children who were obviously the ones who were most disruptive in their class - I think that the other Y2 girl was put in there just cos they didn't want DS to be on his own with the other Y5s.

It will be somethign that I will be pushing along with getting Autism Outreach in now they have dxed him.

It is upsetting though and I'm not trying to say it isn't. The way you described the way that the others look at her definitely rings a bell with me. We overlook the playground and I have had to stop looking out at playtime as it was getting too much for me. Homework remains a huge struggle for us. He starts it and rubs it out over and over. He throws the pencil. Never remembers finger spaces. It has to be in tomorrow so we'll see how we get on this evening.

RE the social skills group-DD is in one and she does have one to one support but not all the children in the group do, they don't all even have SN as such I don't think, some are in just because the teachers feel they would benefit iyswim. We also go to one run by our children's centre which I asked to join soit is worth seeing what your local children's centre offers too.

Other children also do DD's speech therapy with her-sometimes they pick someone who is a good role model to DD, joining in etc and a mum I am friends with asked if her dd could do it too-DD has the therapy they just find it helpful to have other children in sometimes for motivation. Dd also does a group called spirals which is quite nurturing and encourages concentration and listening skills I think. Its def worth asking school about. My dd is on the hyperactive side so I was worried about how she will cope in year one but school are finding her behaviour has improved with the structure that lots of interventions like the groups etc bring.

sorry you had a bad start to the day its awful when it starts like that. Hope it improved. Its hard when it is so unpredictable isn't it x