Oh no, did I do the right thing?

[TheSockPuppet]

Sorry I hadn't realised this post would be so long! Thanks for reading if you manage to get through it

My DS (5 years old) has asd, my family and friends know and so do the teachers at his school, but the other parents at his school or his friends parents didn't know about it.

There is another little boy in ds's class with SN who hits quite a lot (I'll call him x), I was talking about how my ds was very upset after school recently as one boy had bit another and he was worried about them both as they are his best friends. One of the parents then asked, oh is that x? Then they started talking about how he is a really bad boy, he hits other kids too and a lot of the other parents had got together and talked about it saying they should do something about it. They then started talking about how they had never seen his parents and they must be junkies (heroin users) since their son was so bad.

I have seen their parents, they pick x up from school so I'm not sure how the other parents haven't seen them, they aren't 'junkies' either, I think they are quite nice. This made me very angry tbh and I said that we don't know the whole story and noone knows everyones situation, and explained that my DS has autism and he hits a lot when he can't cope with a situation, particularly when he first started school he hit quiite a lot.

They were shocked and said things like "Oh really? I never knew", "You'd never be able to tell", etc. I felt that I had to stand up for x and his parents as this wasn't just a one off, the conversations about x and his parents are quite frequent - yes he shouldn't hit but tbh I don't think this school offers much support for those with sn and I am moving my child because of this - but I don't think talking this way about him or his parents was the right thing to do either.

But now I feel guilty that I shared my ds's difficulties and am not sure if that was the right thing to do either? Ds knows that he is on the spectrum, well as far as a 5yr old understands, so won't be surprised if another child mentions it but I'm not sure if it was my place to discuss it with his friends parents or if he should be the one to tell his friends when he is older.

I wouldn't say that you have done anything wrong. You stood up against gossips. IMO the dx isn't something to be embarrassed about or to hide. It is just part of who he is...

Well done you :)

You have just put the gossip mungering supposition lets make up an ideal story with extra crap thrown in parents

You havent done the wrong thing at all. It just shows you are proud of your DS and who he is and that you wont stand for nonsensical talk :)

I don't think you have done the wrong thing. DS3's ASD is so obvious everyone knows - I mean parents didn't necessarily guess it was ASD until we said but they knew there was 'something'. Not least because at the Xmas play he was led on stage by another child, shoved into place, and danced an impromptu jig in the middle

I speak up too. A new boy joined DS2 class and my son came home and said this new boy was really naughty and had been hitting all the children all day - and well I just knew that there must be stuff going on as that is not typical behaviour on your first day of a new school. But then the next week in the playground the comments from other parents . It obviously never occurred to any of them that this was anything other than a naughty boy with awful parents. I just said in a loud voice 'oh I suppose all the parents in DS3 class must think that about me' - and as they all knew DS3 was autistic, and knew me before DS3 came along, I hope perhaps some of them realised that writing a child off on day 1 when they knew nothing about the family was pretty crappy of them. The mother is lovely and was very open that her other child was at SS, but even that massive clue didn't seem to register.

But then in a different life, perhaps I would have been one of those parents...
I think the more people we educate on the way, the better chance our kids have.

Sounds like you tried to stop the gossips in their tracks... so a good thing really. Some parents just love to gossip about other children, since their children are just perfect

I think you did the right thing and it's ok for them to know about your Ds autism too it's not something that can be easily hidden esp when they get older.
Other dc's and parents might notice something's different but not know what so you have educated them

I've always found being open about my DS's ASD has been the best way for us. But, like Agnes' DS, it's always been obvious that there is 'something' about him, so I can understand there may be more reluctance if a 'hidden' disability is more easily hidden.

Well done for standing up to these gossips and for educating them. I hope your school move is successful. You will have to decide a his new school what people need to know.

Well done for standing up for the child and his parents.

Id have done the same, I dont broadcast my sons DX to other parents but if its relevant to the conversation then I wouldnt shy away from mentioning it.

Thanks so much for all of your replies, I feel better now and hopefully the other parents will maybe think before judging someone so harshly next time.