I have had Enough.

[DameHermione]

I am so far beyone pissed off with everything.

DD is refusing to go to school as usual. and being orrible about it. I am uttery pissed off with her for being the way she is, then that piles on the guilt for thinking like that as it isn't her fault, but that doesn't stop me hating the way she is and what she does.

I am tired of her breaking things and shouting and swearing and always being there. The house is a pigstye because of all her crap all over the place. She never throws anything out and leaves piles of stuff all over the place which can't be moved. The only time alone I ever get on my own is driving to and from work (which is utterly shit at the moment too).

My back hurts so I can't sleep.

School have suddenly decided they 'are not happy' with her not going, so now i'm worried about where we go from here. They've been so shit so far I doubt very much whether they will offer her any help at all and will just want her to leave so she isn't their problem any more. Which means she won't go anywhere else and will be at home forever.

I know this is very me me me but I am so so tired of always considering what everyone else is doing and feeling and me coming somewhere beyond last.

Zzzzz. Wow.

I feel for you! How old is DD?
I also have a messy child ( with LD and ASD) who has added stroppy teen behaviour to the already challenging mix and it drives me insane!

I have heard of a new survival technique which involves putting your own essential needs before your childs, - in the same way adults have to put their own oxygen masks on before helping their child. It feels un natural for parents to do this but it is better for everyone. I say this as someone who put my needs so low on the list I no longer have good health- which impacts my whole family - especially my sn child.

First sort out rest. It sounds like you need to see the GP for pain advise (or a chiropractor/ osteopath if its an ongoing problem.

Depending on the age and disability of your dd ( presumably a teen?) you could ask the disability team of SS for an assessment of your carer needs. It sounds like you need some time to yourself so perhaps they could sort out some short breaks for dd to enjoy. My son gets one night a month and although not a lot its surprising how it help us all. Ds would like far more! I will say it took critical illness and a year of meetings before the respite started, but now I feel les scared of the future.
As for the mess well I have tried all sorts and still struggle so perhaps others will advise. I know what I need to do is remove everything he leaves on the floor (not in his own room) after fair warning - and I do this when feeling strong!

Hermione not at all surprised you are fed up. My Ds has had two long periods when he was not in school and it is just so wearing and confining when they are there all the time. I felt this even though Ds rarely shouts and never swears (if he wants to swear he either says beep as on radio or "insert expletive of your choice here") so it must be doubly wearing for you. There was a certain relief though when we got to the point where I realised that my unaided efforts were not going to get DS back to school and so I could stop beating my brains out about it every morning. zzzzz's advice excellent on this.

For the mess - A timetable - On a certain day at a certain time every 2 weeks either my dd's room/pigsty has to be clean and tidy or that is the day and the time when it will get cleaned by me.

For the schreeching/shouting/swearing _ I don't know I have the same problem to deal with and it gets me down - I will try zzzzz's advice as well.

For the school attendence - does she have a statement, do you have EWO involvement? Try ringing contact a familys educational advice line because they give similar advice to IPSEA but are easier to get through to at the moment.

and

i am wallowing in self pity today. i need a nap.

school have, up until now, put up with her missing alot, mostly because they simply don't care. We have a meeting next month with Healthy mInds and an Educational Psychologist so we'll see what they have to say. They've refused to statement her (I know I could do it myself but I keep ostriching and waiting for it to get better).

I'll try the non-sweary approach. I don't battle when she won't go, but with school starting to nag I feel I need to ty to make her go otherwise they are going to blame me for not being able to make her go (they do already).

DD is miserable. which makes the guilt ever worse.

and i have lost my entire 'DD' file with all her bits in. No idea where it has gone.

First though, A nap.

I second the posters who are saying reclaim you home! It just HAS to become the rule that "Stuff" left in the public areas of the house are picked up and put in her room. It is just too depressing otherwise.

I also have the rule that every couple of weeks, when it becomes too awful, their bedrooms have to be cleaned, stuff put away - the threat is, if it's not done, everything on the floor is picked up and put in the bin! And yes, I have actually done that in the past, when they were about 11 or 12 (after removing anything really expensive/precious). I only had to do that a couple of times, after that, the threat was enough. Tough love, and effective!

For school refusal - DS1's was solved by moving school, as he was very unhappy and we could not resolve the issues.
Is changing schools an option?

Sorry that you are having a tough time :(.

I alos have a rule that 'stuff' has to be in bedrooms. I dont go into my boys rooms except to make the bed. That is their space and they can do whatever they want with it. I do think you need to reclaim your own space.

I dont know what to suggest about the school refusal. I really hope that the meeting comes up with some positive ideas and definately second putting the ball back in the schools court to sort out.

With untidy rooms I leave a clue................a black bin bag in each room. They know that if I go in there anything precious disapears if its on the floor when go in and do it. I give them two days warning

Don't let the school put all blame on you or dd. if they re 'not happy' then they need to tell you what they are going to help dd to attend school.

..also it's not up to the school whether or not she gets a statement
Send off your letter tomorrow. Do it!

I agree with the previous posters who said reclaim your space. Whe Dd3 is off school in the holidays and at weekends the whole house becomes hers. She would be like your Dd if she wasn't at school. Every few days I gather up all her stuff and place it in a laundry basket, then I return it to her room and give her a couple of days to empty it. When I need the basket I empty it on to her desk. She is constantly informed of the next step in the proceedings so that she doesn't kick off [much].

I have to say her room is generally tidy [because her stuff is everywhere else.] so when she does get motivated she does a good job.

Also agree about lowering the volume generally, I find if I shout, she is gauranteed[sp] to shout back.

I would definitely ask the school what they are going to do to help your d to attend more regularly.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.