This is really long, epic in fact, sorry!
Brief background, family history, of successful but "odd" scientist/inventors who would surely be diagnosed as ASD, had the tests been around then.
Of our 3 teen DS's, one has absolutely no ASD traits.
DS3 (15) has Aspergers's, he self-identifies as "Aspie" is happy to be a bit different (but does have some social difficulties). He is a wonderful young man, albeit one with some issues. We have the expectation of him achieving academically, going to university, getting a job, contributing etc.
DS1(18) is not diagnosed but has all the traits of DS3. We chose not to have him assessed after discussion with the person who diagnosed DS3, who felt that diagnosis would not benefit DS1 in the same way (DS3's very disruptive ADHD type behaviour was less of an issue in DS1). He was so far above his age for academic achievement/ability, that it caused serious problems at school, particularly as he was socially immature for his age. Now at a world class Uni and surrounded by many similar teens, he is thriving and loving it.
Early school was hell for both (up to the start of high school was worst). An awful cycle of bullying (for being different), constant meetings with school, school refusal, Changing schools and constantly having to fight our DC's corner (I mean, represent their best interests during meetings), it was very stressful and wearing, but we did it. Well, we are still doing it for DS3 (15) but everything is falling into place for him now, as a result of the hard work earlier. Neither would have got what they needed from school if we hadn't been pain-in-the-arse parents (almost certainly the view of their schools!).
Now we have DS4, almost 18months. And DH (a GP) and I have been privately concerned about his atypical development for a number of months. Like DS3/DS1 at that age he has lots of words, but they are atypical, shapes/colours/phrases, his first word at 9 months was triangle! He is obsessed with shapes, doors, drawers, locks, handles. He likes to carry bits of string or paper around. He has good eye contact, but so did his brothers (except when stressed). He cuddles, but so did his brothers. He does not point or wave but can follow instruction. He is very active and does not need much sleep. He says Daddy, but rarely mummy.
Yesterday's Hosp appointment was just to check his feet (he is hyper mobile), but the Dr was called away so we had 2 hours in the playroom waiting area and his behaviour was just awful. I was fully trying to engage and occupy him and was not letting him run riot but is was really hard to distract him from what he wanted to do, which was leave, open the doors to the consulting rooms, jump on the scales in the corridor, climb on the furniture. I had a rictus smile on my face as I tried to control him and ignore the judgy-pant hoiking up of the parents in the waiting room!
It really brought home to me, seeing the other 20 or so toddlers who used the playroom while we were waiting, that we are right, he is not like other kids, he's like his brothers. The other kids were sitting quietly and playing appropriately, moderating behaviour when told. DS4 was loud, over-active, intractable despite my best efforts! I have not felt so publicly judged since my other DS were about 11 and I'd forgotten how awful it makes you feel.
Had an "I'm really down about how he was behaving compared with the other kids" chat with DH last night and he agrees that he probably has ASD (DH is involved in toddler screening). We don't want to go down the route of diagnostic testing ATM, DS3 was diagnaosed at about 3 and a half, which is early for Asperger's, and we don't see any point to it earlier than that.
I don't even know why I am posting, but the thought of another 17 years fighting my childs corner, the parents evenings, the phone calls from school, the years of judgey-pants looks from people when out and about with my "spoilt brat" child............... it all becomes a bit WEARING doesn't it? Feeling sorry for my self Sigh.