Ds 21 months - extremely clingy, baaad separation anxiety - struggling with therapists

[hazeyjane]

We saw the OT and physio yesterday, and most of the session was talking about how difficult things are becoming because of ds's extreme clinginess.

During physio he spends a lot of the time wanting me to hold him, screaming when the physio looks at him or touches him. he hates having his feet touched, so when she has to measure him for piedro boots, he is a choking, sobbing mess.

We attend a special needs nursery, where ds is supposed to work with a keyworker, and a SALT. It is hopeless, he won't even look at the SALT, he just cries and burrows into my chest. When his keyworker tries to play with him, he just ignores her, and she sits there with her piece of paper, putting a big cross buy the activity ('offered ds the ball - ds refused ball etc'). Sometimes i feel as though she is annoyed with him or me (paranoid!)

I just wondered if anyone had any strategies in dealing with this level of clinginess? I can see it is going to be more and more of a problem as time goes on, and whilst everyone involved in his care is keen to point out how difficult it is, give me reasons why he may be as clingy as he is - they haven't given me many ways to help him out of it!

My goodness, they are being very harsh and judgey. He is still a baby and is clearly looking for reassurance.

Don't let them make you judge him or get frustrated with him. The worst thing about this assessment business is that WE feel we are being assessed and it can make you get very frustrated at not being able to make your child act perfectly - or rather as they want him to act.

It might be easier for them if he just did as he was told but tough - to be frank. They will have to work around this and should look for advice if they can't deal with him.

What are his needs? It sounds like he is very sensitive on a sensory level

Don't see it as clinginess, see it as an extremely young child needing to feel safe and have his needs met.

Ask them very frankly how THEY intend to manage this and how they can help you.

Is the SALT working on feeding issues or communication/speech? We had issues with our SLT when DD was young re feeding. In the end she was making DD so stressed and anxious I called a halt to it and delayed SLT until she was ready. It also sounds like DS is picking up on their behaviour and they need to earn his trust. As appropriately said, DS is still a baby, and they are not respecting him.

Hi Hazey

Have been reading your post and nodding my head in recognition. My DS who is 25 months now has similar issues and with 3 days at nursery and several appointments each week (Portage/Salt/Camhs etc) it's difficult.

The Portage lady we work with is lovely and DS is beginning to warm to her after weekly visits since November. But even then we still have days when she comes round and he screams and clings on to me for the whole session burrying his head in my shoulder.

The advice I've been given is to let him cling/cry etc but whilst I can hold him tightly, not to communicate with him when he's like that. If he then turns round to see what's going on or moves to sit on my lap then I give lots and lots of praise and encouragement.

You can also video your DS at home, when he's happy etc. This can be shown to professionals to show what his capabilities or issues really are without a stranger in the room. This has been really helpful for us as usually if someone visits for the first time to assess him he won't even look at them.

We have come up with a specific stratergy at nursery so when I bring him in in the morning, he goes straight from my arms to his key workers arms for a cuddle. They usually tell me that the other children did a certain activity and they encouraged DS but he didn't want to join in. It makes me sad, but over the months there have been slight improvements - he will now on occasion hold a paint brush in front of him for a few seconds, even though he'd never think to use it!

Hang in there, he will improve with age, it's just going to take time. That's what they tell me at any rate :)

Thankyou

At the moment SALT is for communication, but it is really patchy. He gets his SALT provision through sn nursery, but it may be 15 minutes every 5 or 6 weeks. He really needs to see a SALT wrt his feeding issues and oro-motor skills, but I am being sent around the houses in the best way to organise this.

appropriatelyemployed, I am glad you said that about him being a baby still, sometimes I feel they forget this, and try to push him too hard.

I have just had our first portage visit, I think it is going to be good, she is someone that ds has met before, who he seems to like, and she was quite relaxed about his wariness and talked about taking baby steps and not trying to push him too quickly. I am hoping we can get the therapists to kind of work through her, she also said she could come to appointments with me if necessary.

She thought there might be some sensory stuff going on - ds reacts badly to certain noises, doesn't like the feel of certain things etc, I know nothing about this, but she is going to do some work there too.

With the physio the main thing seems to be that she is unable to feel ds's legs and feet without him going into meltdown. So she is concerned about the fact his feet swell, and the intermittent muscle stiffness in his legs, but she can't examine his legs and feet properly. We do video him, otherwise she wouldn't see ds doing anything!

The other thing the portage worker talked about was taking photos of people we are going to see, places we are going to go to, and use a pecs system with them. I think this sounds like quite a good idea.

Ninkynonk, do you stay at the nursery setting with your ds? At the moment I can't imagine being able to leave ds anywhere, I can't even leave the room at home without him freaking out.

Hazey, I agree that his clingyness is just probably he's still in that developmental phase. In some ways it's a positive thing that he IS going through this "normal" stage, my DS1 has never had separation anxiety or clingyness and it worries me that he would just go off with anyone if I didn't watch him like a hawk!

I'm sure he'll grow out of it, it will just take time. My NT DS2,18 months, still clings and hides behind my legs at times.

I know what you mean hanbee, and i remember well just how clingy my dd1 was (and can still be sometimes), but with ds it is very extreme, and can be incredibly draining.Apart from dh, he will not go to anyone, and sometimes will not even go to dh. I have never left him anywhere or with anyone and he has always been carried around a lot (as a result I have a really bad back!)

Hazey, you have my sympathies. DS2 was v clingy and also wouldn't go to anyone even DH. He did slowly improve after around 15 months though and at least I knew it was a phase he would grow out of. Whereas DS1's phases just go on (and on and in and on!) so I appreciate it's hard to see if it is something he will just "grow out" of. My DS2 still won't sleep on his own for more than 2 hours so I can imagine how knackered you must be feeling.

I'm sorry i can't offer any helpful suggestions x

Hi Hazeyjane,

I really identify with your description, ds1 was like this from about 15 months to 27 months of age. Most attempts at therapy appeared totally futile because as soon as the OT/physio/SALT attempted to engage him or even be near him, he would scream his head off and stay in a state of anxiety for the entire time, even when clinging on to me like a koala and burying his head in my hair. I too thought I would never be able to leave the room. We only went to a handful of appointments in this time, as it felt so hopeless.

I agree with the above poster that it is a developmental phase and he is still really young. At approx 26 months I introduced PECs so he got some communication skills and also he learnt to walk (not saying PECs leads to walking btw!). He gradually became more interested in what the other adults might be able to offer him, and at the same time I got this really amazing play worker who sussed him immediately and had no agenda, she was just there to play. They spent ages hiding under blankets etc and I think he gradually realised that therapists can be fun and aren't going to make me do stuff I'm not ready for. It later developed into a VB programme and the more confident he became around other adults, the more directive they were able to be.

I don't really have any advice, other than hang in there, and also you could try to 'pair' the therapist with something else he loves so that he makes the association between seeing x person and getting y?

Hi again Hazey

Just followed your post on the patches. Sounds like our boys have some similar medical/behavioural issues. (DS won't touch anything new, throws himself on the floor if another child cries...)

I have to say my DS does (with a lot of additional support) go to an MS nursery 3 days a week. He was a year old when he started so I think I got in before the clingy stage took over. It is still hard to leave him, he will hold rigidly to my hair and clothes and it can take two of us to get him away from me, but I know that shortly after I have gone he will be fine (although he starts crying and clinging to me again as soon as he sees me when I pick him up).

The advice your Portage worker has given to you is pretty much the same as we have received so I would say for now follow her lead. Your DS has clearly been through a lot for someone so little and so he's bound to be wary of all but his mum and dad. He clearly recognises you as his biggest comfort which is a good develpomental milestone in itself. Not sure that's very helpful, but wanted you to know there are people out here who know what you're going through.