Help me please. DD & DH AS. I'm not strong enough to support both of them

[HippyDippyDooDaa]

My DD has recently been diagnosed with AS & from this we now believe that DH has undiagnosed AS - when I gave him some stuff to read about AS, his first comment was, "that's me too!" This also explains a lot about many of the difficulties we have as a couple and why despite my our efforts to improve things, it doesn't get any better!
After a tough couple of years with him and now one of many tough days with her, I feel like I'm not strong enough to support them both and feel like I have to make a choice. Obviously there is no choice, my DD is my priority, but I know how devastating a split with DH will be, not just for DD but also for our other two DC. I feel like I can't win.
Is there anyone out there that can tell me that I will find a way to make this work for us all. I don't want to split from DH but don't see how I can be strong enough for them both.

Now your DH has realised where his difficulties probably lie, then this gives him the information he needs to look at coping mechanisms of his own. He's an adult and whilst your support would be valuable, the onus should not all be on you to now be everything to him. Your support needs to be just enough to help him to overcome or work with his difficulties for himself.

There's a few here who are adults on the spectrum or married to adults on the spectrum - hopefully they will have some more specific suggestions for you, but I think a good start would be finding a couple counsellor who has experience where couples are dealing with neurological or mental health issues and finding their new places within the relationship as a result.

You need to remember he is an adult and has more control than your dd.
You need to be clear with him on what it is you need from him and he needs to be clear on why he can't do it.
If its a practical thing you need help with write a list, my dh sucks at seeing what needs to be done and doing it.
I have two girls with autism and we are pretty sure if we went for dx dh would get one. That doesn't excuse his behaviour but does explain it.
Just be clear with him, don't think he can read between the lines or tell something is wrong because he won't.

ExDH also can the conclusion that he had AS after DS was dx'd. It was subsequently confirmed by medical professsional.

Unfortunately his response was 'We'll I'm too old to chane now' and carried on just as before making no effort to benefit from his dx (well perhpas I'm being unkind - he probably didn't have a clue how to change himself).

By this time we'd divorced anyway as I jsut could not cope with his cold AS side.

CBT may be useful to your DH - although the waiting lists are long.

I am in the same position as you Hippy and have been feeling exactly the same-I just can't cope with both of them at the moment.
DDis really in a bad way and dh gives zilch in the way of support.

You said you have had a particularly bad day with DD. Could this have a bearing on why it all feels too much today? Just asking because I feel like I can 'tick along' until DD is struggling, then I find I run out of steam with dh.

I don't really know the answer, sorry.
However, it may help you to know that, since dh became aware of his AS behaviour (also discovered when DD got her dx) he HAS become more self aware and tries -in his way- to modify his behaviour.

We went through a stage, early on, when he tried to use AS as an excuse for all of the hurtful things he said, or as a way of ducking out of taking responsibility, but I basically ignored him and told him he was an adult now and he had to face up to his behaviour.

And, veeerrryyyy slowly, he is moving forward.

This might sound harsh, but this was after years of struggling along.
As Lisa says, it will help that you know your dh needs more help and you can help him by explaining things -I agree that lists are a Godsend.

Only you know what is best for you, but I want you to know that I understand completely and that you are not alone-this board is full of lovely, kind people who can help to make these dark days bearable x

Just to add, DH and i are both borderline, which is why i deferred to people with experience of partners who definitely do have ASD, but I second the emphasis on spelling things out. DH's weakness is empathy, so i do have to explain why either of the boys or I (or anyone else) struggle at a particular point in very simple words (have had a hard week or so with DS1, but had to explain to DH through his protestations that he might be finding it hard after a long day at work, but I've had no break from it for 2 weeks).

If i want DH to remember a date or an instruction, I email it to him. I also write it on the calendar, but he doesn't remember that. Sometimes it takes a few emails before he'll acknowledge that he's taken the necessary time off or whatever. If i just told him, he wouldn't even know.

We were discussing my impatience with his lack of sense of direction, at the weekend. He explained that his brain is focussed on other things and doesn't have time to remember where things are. He claimed it was lack of time. I explained that time has nothing to do with it - my brain remembers where things are and memorises landmarks in just a couple of trips. I feel no need for a satnav the 10th time we visit somewhere because what my brain hasn't photographed, the roadsigns show. (for this, you can also read the drawer that socks are kept in )

Hopefully you will work out the difference between those things that you need to learn to understand and tolerate and the things he just plain needs to work on and find a way to change. Lack of route memory is minor and something that my marginally aspie brain has learnt to cope with from DH's aspie brain. If DH is showing no empathy for a situation one of the boys is about to melt around, I usually detect that it's a trigger before him and I know i can gently explain his insensitivity to him. If, OTOH, DH regularly exhibited behaviours which were so OCD or otherwise unreasonable as to make everyone else's life a misery (eg pre-kids, he was a git when he had a cold) I'd tell him what the problem was and how it made people feel and I'd give him short shrift until he stopped hurting people. (He worked out the cold thing and I haven't bonked him over the head for it, yet.)

That's DH's marginally aspie brain - I'm actually less marginal than he is, but have the "Knowledge" that comes with being female.

It's really interesting that as woman with a possible Asd brain we find ways round it a lot easier than the men do (hope for my girls). I don't for one minute think I have Asd, I am way to social able and have always just known how to behave in situations.
We have a number of systems in our house from massive calandar with sections for each person, a remainder system on iPhones and iPads we also have routines on boards.
Please remember he is the same man you married but that now you just have a clearer picture than you first had.
Things dh does now that drive me mad, never bothered me till we had a house to look after and two kids.

Well I'm definitely on the spectrum but no dx, ds1 hsa a dx HFA, but our issues are the same, and reading the books i have a lot of ticks! DS2 is NT, ds2 grasp of so many things at the age of 3 amazes me, especially his ability to socialise, I have tried but just do not get.

Before kids I would spend my time with DH and we do alot doing stuff together, but i realised i had a lot of solo time which i needed i guess to process stuff.

'We were discussing my impatience with his lack of sense of direction, at the weekend. He explained that his brain is focussed on other things and doesn't have time to remember where things are. He claimed it was lack of time.' I definitely have this, never enough time - well i don't know how to priotise, quickly finish jobs, stop worrying about what i have to do and what i've done, and just know when to move on...as said i use to focus on dh which was fine, but now it's the kids. DH does not accept the dx and will not read related to the subject, so feel as isolated as cannot talk to him about it.

My sisters are both great (they both socialise easily, well they seem to find life easy, me well...), I am constantly asking there advice, esp how to deal with things, even simple things. She sis2 goes your 40 and still don't know xyz.

But i think i need the same support as the kids, stuff broken down. House work etc, needs list. laminated sheets - so can tick off weekly chores, two weekly. I have items i deal with and he has his. We have a definite routine in the morning that works well, who's making breakfast, getting kids ready, making lunch's etc. Weekend activities, sorted etc. If we don't have this daily routine it all goes to pot.

DH has amazing patience, and calm when dealing with us. But at the moment,

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. Sibling, it's great to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this and from the rest of you I now have some hope! I know that it's not going to be easy but I really want to work this out. You've given me a few ideas to get me started and I guess I'll be back for more next time things get on top of me again!

DH and I are both on the autism spectrum, as is DS. Can it all be navigated? Yup. But it takes a while for a newly-diagnosed adult on the autism spectrum to realise why we've found things so hard...and learn to do them in ways we can cope with better.
It shouldn't ever be the case that if we've gotten married, our partners have to care for us like another child. Really clear instruction, if necessary in visual form, can work wonders. So can support groups and all sorts of online help, advice, info, suggestions and forums.
My own DH is absolutely wonderful. He's been there for me through the last year of breast cancer treatment, and is such a blessing to my life. Very autistic, but very kind and determined to learn. Not sure if that helps, but it shows that it's possible to have a good and loving marriage with autistic individuals.

My ds and dh have aspergers. Ds diagnosed, dh self diagnosed after we found out about ds so very like you. Two years on from the dx it has made a massive difference to dh. He is much more aware of his behaviour and what makes it difficult. He takes greater care not to offend people or be too quick tempered so as to set a good example for ds. It has also helped him come to terms with some of the difficulties he had growing up.
I think a long talk with your dh about what a massively positive effect his input could have on you and dd could make all the difference for your family.