Mum so awful with ds, spoiling my relationship with her

[Shagmundfreud]

DS2 (6) is on the way to a diagnosis of ASD, probably aspergers. I admit he's hard work: he can be very volatile, obsessive and hyper, and of course completely unreasonable. I am only learning myself how to manage his behaviour as he gets older and becomes more difficult, and I understand other people find him hard work.

The problem I'm having at the moment is that my widowed mother who's 76 has an expectation that I will see her every week with the dc's, and if this doesn't happen she lets me know in her own way that she's not happy with me. I would love to spend more time with her, but for about the last year I've found that I've had to cut short visit after visit after visit, because I've found her response to my ds so difficult to deal with. It's got to the point where I just don't want to take him to see her any more because the way she behaves towards he makes me so upset.

She is ridiculously critical of him - picking up on EVERYTHING he does in a controlling way: "No! DON'T hold your bread like that! You're getting crumbs on the table! Yes I know the soup is hot! You've already said that twice. What do you expect me to do about it! Just eat it and stop making a fuss". I think that gives you some idea of her tone. Today I met up with her in her village and we went to a coffee shop with both ds's (6 and 8) and they were both brilliant, really well behaved. Both boys wanted to go home in her car - a five minute journey, and I wanted to go and have a look at the charity shop in the high street. But my mum wouldn't take ds2 with her - kept saying he should come to the shop with me, despite the fact he desperately wanted to go in her car. She just didn't want to look after him for even half an hour, and insisted he came with me. Of course he instantly became impossible as he was so upset, and wouldn't let me look in peace, so we just walked back together to my mum's house, him complaining all the way that he'd wanted to go in her car.

She also insists he makes eye contact with her, which he finds really uncomfortable. She'll actually grab his chin and force him to look at her and say 'come on - make eye contact with me'. I never do this with him as I know he finds it difficult. She's just so insensitive about the way he is.

She instantly becomes very negative and defensive if I imply that her behaviour towards him isn't helping, (you know how it is with some children - the more controlling and angry you get, the worse they get) so my response to things becoming tense at her house is usually to say we have to go. Our visits are becoming shorter and shorter.

Has anyone else encountered this problem with relatives? How do you cope? It's making me so sad and angry, and actually rather resentful of my mum. She sees how I am with him, and how my sister is (my sister lives with my mum and is a primary school teacher - she's absolutely brilliant with ds, so patient and clever, she really gets the best of him), but doesn't seem to be taking any cues from us.

I've got a horrible feeling she thinks that I'm the cause of ds's 'problems' - she's said so many times that he's 'too close' to me, and that I 'spoil' him. Maybe she thinks if I was harsher with him that he'd suddenly become normal.

Your mother sounds like she is dealing with your ds in precisely the wrong way. If you sat down and wrote a textbook about how not to deal with a child on the spectrum, that is what you would put.
I sympathise as my mother is, or was, similar. She is a GP but her ignorance about ASD is phenomenal. Since ds was DX'd 3 years ago she has not, despite my prompting, read any of the books I have recommended to her or shown any desire to understand the condition better.
The way I have dealt with it is by being extremely firm with her. As in "no Mum, you don't do it like that, you do this." In a tone of voice that brooks no contradiction. And if she won;t listen, you leave, and you explain to her precisely why you are doing it. It's like dealing with a child, really; firm and absolutely consistent.

I agree you need to be firm and stick to your guns. If your sister lives there and she cant learn from her then buy her some books ask her to read them and tell her polite, honestly and straight that you want to spend quality time with her but however much you love her she must respect you and how to bring up and treat your son. Tell her it sends mixed signals to your son if she deals with things different to you. Ask her to understand if it carries on then visits will be cut short as your son has to come first.

Might sound harsh but you cant go on getting upset about this when your ds needs all the help he can get and it would be nice if she helped you x

That said we only just got our dx this week and my MIL hasnt once picked up the phone or come round to see us. She has made her mind up. Bothered? not in the slightest. I am lucky though because my parents are worth there weight in gold.

I agree with everything that the others have suggested but wonder whether you could maybe get your sister to talk to her? As she lives with your mum she could find a good time to bring it up and it may be that your mum is less defensive and doesn't take it as criticism if it comes from your sister rather than from you. She could at least prepare the ground for you to speak to your mum.

I'm lucky in that my 75 year old mum is brilliant with DS and is a massive help to me. Last week he was dx not with ASD, at least not yet but with a severe language disorder with a recommendation for a statement and I have heard diddly squat from the inlaws. SIL (who is a trained nanny) came round about 18 months ago with her dd who is a year younger than DS going on and on about how great her talking was and getting her to show off - she knew we had worries about DS and that he was on the waiting list for assessment. Recently she made him give a train to her DD who was trying to take it from him on the basis that he's older (he is 4 with speech like a not very advanced 2 year old, his cousin is a very very articulate 3. He threw the train at his cousin and it hit her on the mouth. SIL went berserk.

Can be so difficult. My dad just doesn't get ds but he lives on the other side of the world so a avoidance is easy. Try education first. She needs to understand how the world is for your ds so she can care for him and if she is unwilling to learn then not much you can do but sounds like there could still be hope. Your sister for one as said above. I have been reading The Fabric of Autism by Judith Bluestone from the library. She is a neuroscientist who is on the spectrum herself so can really explain how it feels. Eg she talks about why eye contact is so difficult; the changing facial expressions make concentrating on a face very hard. It is impossible to understand when it is constantly moving and so can't be easily related to what is already remembered about faces and so becomes confusing. Also there can be issues with bilateral focusinng so a child make appear to not be looking at you, say standing aide on but they are actually watching you with their peripheral vision which is more effective for them. Really good book that helps with understanding.

Thankyou for your responses. I'd like to be more frank with my mum but I find it hard as she takes offence so easily. My dad died two years ago and since then we've all handled her with kid gloves. Her response to things she finds upsetting or difficult is to close down - she is very quick to pull the age card, saying that it's too hard for her at 76 to take on new ideas. Actually I think she's very sharp - she just doesn't like having to take on anything which she finds uncomfortable.

She's also incredibly stubborn and critical. I don't hold out high hopes that she will change.

But I will look at some books - thank you for the suggestion.

I have the same issue with my MIL. FIL died two years this year. SIL has filled his shoes which has not helped as she is leaning on her rather than standing on own two feet. DH runs around for her too which yes has to be done of course but she has now showed her true colours in her thoughts on me and my family and so I have taken a step back. As far as DS is concerned it was a visit for 20mins where her and SIL threw him a bag sweets and took dd out for the day. He has been called "thing", "nice really", and "we try to love him but......." and my son nows them as "what have you got for me"

Sadly though when FIL was alive things were different. All changed when he went so far to include that she told my middle dd that eldest dd wasnt a real grandaughter (I married dh when she was 6) that upset middle dd big time as we have never treated them as half sisters and middle dd couldnt understand why nanny didnt sent birthday cards anymore (stopped as soon as FIL went) to eldest dd and so she asked. effectively I have lived a lie for 15 years and she has hurt an 11 year old who is too young for such talk.

Age doesnt come in to it. No matter what age you are you know wether you are right or wrong or can be bothered. I hope your sister can help you make a gateway to talk but I would do it once only. If you need to cut your visits then she will know the reason why and that it is she that has to adapt to your wishes.

I am harder though as I can cut off very quickly those that hurt. x

'Thankyou for your responses. I'd like to be more frank with my mum but I find it hard as she takes offence so easily. My dad died two years ago and since then we've all handled her with kid gloves. Her response to things she finds upsetting or difficult is to close down - she is very quick to pull the age card, saying that it's too hard for her at 76 to take on new ideas.'

You have to be firm with her, if she is stubborn and inflexible she should recognise it in others!or make your visits very short indeed. She is controlling what happens by using emotional pressure on you, but she is harming your DS.
My mother is considerably older than 76, brilliant with DS and always open to new ideas. I have a feeling your mother would have had the same set mind at 46 that she has now.
I agree that your sister could be the best person to approach for help in negotiations, but if I was in your situation I would be forced to choose my son over my mother.

coff33pot, what a vile thing to do to a child. Cut 'em off? I'd be cutting them in half.

Isn't it funny how these women all seem to crumble and show their true nature and insecurities once their husbands have died. Same here from both my mum and mil. I just control the amount of time they have with the kids, as TBH why should they dictate their ridiculous behaviours/notions onto the young? I can get quite militant when I feel like it!

yes its amazing sally especially from those you expect to get support from. I am not bothered I suppose I would be if it were my own mum and so I can understand its quite a battle of emotions for the OP I should imagine.

Its DH I feel sorry for as I thought she would at least ring to see if he was ok after the dx after all he does and has done for her. The SIL is of the same mind and so MIL has back up. They obviously dont like "diference" plus they sprung the grandaughter bit in the mids of the dx process. I had an 11 yr old keeping a secret to not hurt her sister. We had days of her weeping and moaning and stomping and assumed she was just plain being a pain. I even sent her to her room on one occasion. Then days later she blurted it out so upset I was furious!

To try and make people understand is fine and should be done but after a couple of occasions of biting your tongue the energy is better spent on your own family unit.

Sometimes people you thought you knew well can surprise you with their lack of understanding.
I think you can only try to educate them perhaps with an easy to read book or some print outs but if they are unwilling to accept or even try then there is only do much you can do.
It's very sad if they are family members.
I thought my mum understood but after the dx was formally confirmed as HFA or AS she basically told me I should get my own life and show my Ds that I had other things going on and he would have to sort himself out!!! At that time my Ds was on meds and wracked with awful anxiety finding it hard to leave the house.
I was both upset and cross with her after that. I realised she was judging me and like your mum felt I was making Ds worse by pandering to him.
I felt I was supporting my child through a very difficult time and thought her advice was hurtful and unkind.
Still not got over that now.

I think there was a theory back in the 80s/90s that thought that you could help "cure" autism by forcing the child to make eye contact. I vaguely remember a documentary about it and it going on how important it was to force it.

Could she be thinking something along that lines when she tries to make eye contact?

I don't really enjoy eye contact so I can remember having a lot of sympathy for the young children in the documentary.

I do hear what you're saying, op, but I think it's time to focus less on your mum's challenges than your ds's

She might find it difficult if you stop 'handling her with kid gloves', or even limit how much you see her, and you might find that difficult, but you both have a lot more choices about how you handle it than he does ( i have a son w asd too)

I'm not trying to be glib, or harsh, honestly; I know how hard it can be to balance everyone's needs, but you don't have to subject him to that.

If I was being childish (which I often am with my parents) I would outline some basic symptoms of asd, inflexible/can't see things from another's PoV. Then if my mum was being stubborn say, 'gosh mum maybe you are on the spectrum. Maybe you should see your gp. It's never too late to get a dx, and then people would be more understanding if your inability to empathise.'
Which would of course inflame the situation.

So probably more mature and effective to aba her and praise her when she is nice to ds.

My mum made me LMAO with her comment of "I think that I must have Aspergers" I said to her that everyone has a degree of AS somewhere, so she explained "It's just that I feel sorry when people are having a hard time, but I get so fed up with them going on and on about it!" (btw that wasn't me she was referring to!)

Parents don't often 'get it'. My mother (a retired SN teacher!) said DS couldn't be autistic as he 'didn't walk around the edges of rooms'. For a long time it was US (which she told us regularly) and he was 'just an ordinary kid' She didn't seem to like him at all. Eventually she saw it for herself, was a little bit sad for a while and then decided to love him for who he is. He is her only grandchild (and likely to stay that way)

When she saw that he wasn't behaving like that through choice she accepted him immediately. And she felt very bad about the stuff she said about our parenting.

My MiL (an absolute star, btw) on the other hand got it straight away from when he was 2yrs and has a wonderful relationship with DS. Her influence has been immense. He loves her very dearly - all because she understood him from early on, whereas he is very wary of my mother (so not completely clueless about people!)