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general ignorance...pissed off poster in hiding

64 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/04/2012 20:34

im hiding in here. the boards seem to be full of twats people who think AS = abuser so im hiding here before i go and say something i really regret and get myself thrown out....

i wonder how many of those who are equating AS or ASDs to abusers live with or have direct experience of someone with a proper dx (not an armchair one)

ds is 20. proper dx. and he is nice. scatty and disorganised and slightly infuriating at times not to mention rubbish with money but he wouldnt hurt a fly, is not an arse and is certainly not a rapist. Im sick of trying to explain lack of theory of mind today on here.

rant over....

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FallenCaryatid · 09/04/2012 18:29

Talking to you as if you are stupid. Do you mean as if he can't believe that you don't understand what he's saying, or if he just can't understand why you don't see things in the same way that he does? Because that's very Aspie in a lot of ways.

ArthurPewty · 09/04/2012 18:37

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ArthurPewty · 09/04/2012 18:37

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FallenCaryatid · 09/04/2012 18:44

The diagnosis of AS is a reason for some of his behaviours, it isn't an excuse.
How much has he read about AS himself, and do you think he understands how much of a deal-breaker some of his behaviours are to you?
That it may end your relationship?
DS has learned a range of skills to the point where he can Pass For Normal for quite a long time in an unstressful environment. He noiw remembers to laugh at jokes, ask how people are, let grandparents rest on walks, give and receive hugs, put up with small cousins and their irrational behaviour and all the rest.
OH is very clever and can sound patronising and rude if he's not reminded of it.
For me the key was not to respond in an emotional manner, or to cry. I did explain and say that I was angry and disappointed and felt unappreciated because of xyz and that I wanted it to stop, and then I was very specific about exactly what I was unhappy about.

FallenCaryatid · 09/04/2012 18:45

Are either of your children on the spectrum?

lisad123 · 09/04/2012 18:48

Can someone send me links please? I'm in the mood for some arse kicking Grin

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/04/2012 18:54

yes fallen i love champers....im currently on the pinot grigio...

leonie - i arent disputing that living with someone with aspergers can be difficult, its only by virtue of the fact DH is so laid back he puts up with me, the boys in my family are all affected but so are the women - i do see it in myself and im so like DS in so many ways...

but, if i am flippant, or selfish unless, DH says something im rubbish at spotting it, much as DS is with me unless i throw a duck fit - the irony is that if i say something to hurt DS he is very quick to tell me yet he cant always see the correlation between how i feel hurt if he does or says something hurtful.

i do think you need the patience of a saint, but then again, i also think if you do the research you can be quite clear in what you are getting, but also how to deal with it providing you are not with someone who is just abusive as opposed to oblivious.

i think aspies can be quite clueless unless its pointed out in very bold print what the problem is! but i also think once pointed out, they do care, and will try. I cant always quite comprehend how my son, who is so clever, and so kind, can sometimes be such an arse....but, when i point out in no uncertain terms and give him a short while he always comes back with his tail between his legs and says sorry...

Ive been talking to him today given that i started this thread, he knows his own shortcomings and i think if he loved someone he would be prepared to work on them.

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ArthurPewty · 09/04/2012 19:18

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ArthurPewty · 09/04/2012 19:20

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themarriageplot · 09/04/2012 19:33

FallenCarytid, could you say more about, or link to, the RL and online support groups for partners of people with AS?

(I am in London, if that helps.)

themarriageplot · 09/04/2012 19:34

(Sorry, missed out an "a" there.)

FallenCaryatid · 09/04/2012 19:43

I know that there are several, themarriageplot, but I've never been a member of one. I did use www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/ years ago when I was looking for info for my DS, and there may well be people on that forum that could point you in the right direction.
You could start a new thread asking for information, sorry I can't be more useful. Sad

themarriageplot · 09/04/2012 20:11

Thanks. At least I know now that there are several. Smile Will follow up your lead.

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/04/2012 20:25

well here is a prime example of aspiness....Grin though it was a fairly gentle example but demonstrates perfectly what fallen was saying.

tonight DD suddenly goes rather puce and takes herself off to bed with a high temp. Ive just gone into check on her, and the cat, which normally is a permanent attachment to the end of her bed was annoying her, and so she asked if i could take the cat down.

im administering iced water and paracetamol, (oh yes....she does the part of patient very well and i am florence nightingale...) so i call to DS to ask him to take the cat down...

now i ask this simply because the cat is annoying her as she is unwell

and DS takes the cat, cuddles her and as he is walking downstairs i call "thanks son"
and he says as he is cuddling the cat "no problem" then to the cat "we wouldnt want you to catch something nasty would we lil cat...."

this one made me Grin
and as he came back up i pointed out that the cat was going down for the good of DDs health....not the cats!
he laughed. looked sheepish. laughed a bit more. but he got what i was saying.

aspieness in action. and the big daft lump didnt mean it with any malice what so ever.

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